Inside Her Head S1

Entry #149 09-11-2022

Dear Future-self,

Today was our run for wellness. I wasn't able to sleep even for an hour. Jusko tapos grabe yung lakad namin kahapon, grabe din yung ngayon. Siguro dahil sa kape, or dahil sobrang ingay sa Villa Caceres, or dahil sobrang na miss ko na yung isa jan at excited na akong makasama siya ulit.

To be honest, I still have feelings for him. Never ata ito mawawala. Unless, mapapasaya ako nang sobra kung sino man ang magiging future jowa ko. Si ano ata kasi first love ko eh. I mean, realizing how much we have spent together up to now. Parang oo, siya talaga first true love ko. Kaso nga lang hindi kami talo. Hahaha.

I have never felt this way before with anyone. And I still remember the first time we've met, May 22, 2019. May instant attraction akong na feel sa kanya, same with Neil but much stronger, so I think this is a soulmate connection. Yung na curious talaga ako if he was single, and if he was straight. He was single, but then he was gay. Toinks.

So of course hindi na ako dapat ma attract diba? Nawala naman yung instant attraction ko sa kanya. Pero beh, ang hirap niyang hindi mahalin eh. Almost lahat nang gusto ko in a guy, na sa kanya.

He is so masipag, malinis, mabango, kind, family oriented, witty, funny, he makes me smile all the time, I am always smiling even after I spent time with him, maiinis ako sa kanya pero nawawala agad, kilala niya ako nang sobra2, as in all of my bad and good sides, he's does acts of service (which is my top recieving love language), I feel safe when  I'm with him, I am myself and I don't have to pretend when I'm around him, we look so compatible together even in pictures, I'm so damn attracted it's hard to stop it. He is a literal proxy jowa to me. Kaso yung personal life lang talaga namin, hindi namin masyadong napag uusapan. Pero all those movie-like moments, I don't know how my future boyfriend could top that. Ang hirap, kasi parang ang natural lang nang flow namin eh.

Tapos nadagdagan pa kilig moments namin ngayon. Hindi ko man siya naka holding hands, naka holding wrist ko naman, and holding arms, and matching sandal while pinapaypayan niya. Hahaha. Pero yung best scene is yung nasa may stage kami. Kyaaah! Ang lakas kasi nang music, (di ko na nga maalala ano sinabi ko sa kanya) hindi niya ako marinig. So he lowered his head, kasi matangkad siya nang slight sakin, and nilapit niya ang tenga niya sa bibig ko, dun ako bumulong. Yung feeling na ang lapit2 na nang mukha namin. Paksheyt! Ni hindi nga ako kinabahan or ano, parang ang natural lang talaga namin. Pero makikita mong kinikilig ako kasi lakas nang ngiti ko. Yung na ata ang part na sinabihan kami ni Diane, "Para kayong mag jowa". Hahaha.

I feel bad for Manil tuloy, garu third wheel ang dating niya. Parang kaming nag double date, tas siya yung chaperone. 😅 Sorna. I tried my best not to act so clingy, pero di ko mapigilan. Na miss ko kasi eh. Hahaha.

Alam ko naman na walang patutunghan yung samin ni ano, hindi rin naman ako umaasa, pero I still love him despite that. I wish I could fake my feelings, but I can't. I would always feel so energized when he is with me. I hope I would feel these and more to the right person. Cause I know he isn't that person. Wala talaga kaming pag asa.

I wish I could just confess to him. But I'd rather not. I want to keep this friendship. Antagal kong pinaghirapan yung part na he would see me as his friend and not as a head/ pharmacist. And I'm so glad he is breaking some of those walls.

And the fact na pinili niyan sumama sakin. I didn't even invite him to come join us. Kusa siyang nag imbita sa sarili niya. That was a big deal to me. It warmed my heart as his friend. Na ganun na pala siya ka comfortable sakin. Na kaya niya na akong gawin photographer, hahaha. Nag enjoy naman akong picturan siya. Phone ko ba naman gamit. Super why not. Madami na ako pics sayo. Bleeeh hahaha.

May isa pa pala kaming moment kanina. Nung dumating na kami sa may U turn. Tapos naka salubong namin yung mga friends niya na taga ibang branch. Nagpa picture sa kanya yung dalawa. Tapos itong hamag na ito, sabi niya "maam ikaw na mag pic". Imagine, hawak niya ang phone, naka tutok dun sa dalawa, nasa likod ko siya, nasa harap yung phone, para kaming nka back hug, tapos kinuha ko thumb niya para ipindot dun sa button. Tapos nung next pic, di ko na dinampot ang thumb niya, pero nka ganun na position parin kami, naka ilang pics din yun. Yung heart ko, nawawala, nahulog na atah. Hahaha.

Yung lang naman. I feel so guilty though. As if I'm cheating on Manila boy. Kaso wala naman kasi siya effort. Effort kailangan ko eh. Manila boy kasi parang walang pake. Nalilito na tuloy ako. Parang ayaw ko na tuloy ibigay yung pa confession ko kay Manila boy. Not when I'm clearly so in love with you know who. And I'm not even hiding nor denying it. I just don't put words to how I feel for him, but I think he knows.

Not yours,
-Iza @25