Silence of Tears

[25]

LISA POV

I thought I can sleep back but it's not too long I open my eyes. I keep hearing a voice that I don't want to hear anymore the voice that I am avoiding for a years.

It's already 3 a.m. and I still have not gone to sleep because my mind goes rewind to fast forward making me stress and worry about what has happened in my past. And what may happen moving toward what I would like my life to be. I start to believe that this person who I call myself isn't me but it's like a shell who used to run and be care free.

I am fighting these voice that I hear and wound in my soul. I wish those voice I hear is good that make me cheer up and remind me how warm the life is.

It's past midnight but I don't want to turn off the light and Joohyun ask me one time why but I just lie to her. The truth is the darkness reminds me of the place in my thoughts that take me hear the voice that I never liked. I convince myself that I am not crazy, just bit off just a bit withdrawn and caught up with the everything that's wrong.
I convince myself that I am not loser or a bore.

I am trapped in this damnation called depression. Where my mind is a slave to all the ridicule  and verbal abuse. The voice that I keep hearing have become obsession and I their possession limp body, low spirit, I can't same push myself enough. I try to fight and I'll scream but those terrible sensation is tough. Everytime I wake up in the middle of the night I don't enough energy and a suffocate.

I am wondering if this will be forever my fate. Dreams torment me. My imagination tries the best to keep me sane to keep me believe that one day they will be come true. Even I am failure to my family and nothing  new to them.

I want to sleep, but my mind is a mess, I'm a mess inside. I carefully roll myself, curl myself tight and hopefully the bed is big so it didn't disturbed to Joohyun.

I just waiting and waiting for the fall of night. Love who I am does not come easy because today, tomorrow or the day after I can't seem to find a reason to accept myself.

Anxiety pinches me, causes my muscle in my body become tense, my hands start to shake, my heart is starting to beating fast. Suddenly I heard again the inner voices and it become voices of hate words. I'm trying to maintain my mouth shut.

I slowly sit up and allow my feet to touch on the floor and take me to the corner of the room and I sit on the floor.  I don't want Joohyun to see me like this.

I feel my body aches again it's remind myself when I was kid a kid who always get failure and every failure I get pain.

Depression has cradled the version of me that I've known for years. It has watch me grow, stumble, crawl and fight off tear after tear.

I watch the clock in the wall and it's 3:50 and I can't take it anymore I stand on my spot in the corner of the floor and go to bathroom. The tears flow down as I lock the door. I cry with no voice as I can.

I look over at the mirror of the bathroom and I see my reflection. I pretend that's the other me. I look at myself in the mirror wondering why this was meant to be. The person looking back is the person I don't want to see.

"Why are you so fragle? So weak? So terrible at being a stable human being?" I ask in the reflection. The question after quistion spills out on my mouth as my ears await answers I'll never hear.

It's the person in the reflection that I fear I stare and  stare at my own reflection and that's all I can do right now. Yeah pretty much.

I continue to ask question such as "Why are you so useless? Why can't you be like Seulgi and so on? Why can't you be better?" I swear I think the other me wants to smack me and sew my lips together I bitterly chuckle.