Yes, Sirs (Book 1 of Desire's Den)

Chapter 139 - Emma

After the introductions were over, Mateo talked some more about the course and what we should expect for this semester. I couldn't focus on his words.

It was torture. Having him this close, but so far away. Hearing his voice but not truly recognizing it. And watching him, because that was all I could do.

The second he'd seen me, his demeanor had changed. It might not be noticeable for anyone except me, but I was almost obsessively aware of it, trying to get a glimpse of what was going through his mind.

I wondered what he was thinking and feeling. Was he resigned to the fact that we now only should be student and professor, or was he trying to think of a way for us both to be together? Of course, I'd hoped the latter, but I was steeling myself for the former.

I wondered if his heart was hammering as fast as mine or if his hands were clammy. Did his stomach hurt, seeing me but not being able to have me in his arms?

I wondered if he had to fight to stay in control, to not give anything away to the other students, just like I was doing—though, I was doing a shitty job at that.

I briefly wondered if he'd known that I was his student, but I discarded it as soon as I thought of it. No, if he'd known, he would've told me.

However, what hurts the most was seeing how great he was at pretending we were strangers—as if we'd never even met. Some part of me could understand that he needed to act like this, but another part was afraid. That if he was this good at pretending, he couldn't possibly have cared as much about me as I cared about him.

My brain was good at overthinking. I was fantastic at imagining the worst. And as aware as I was of that, I couldn't stop—I couldn't shut my brain off. I preyed on my own insecurities and dug into them until everything was ripped open.

Time ticked slowly. Too damn slow. Every second was a minute, and every minute was an hour.

I wanted to get out of here. For just a short while, I wanted space to think and to figure out what the hell I was going to do about this.

Another dark thought entered my mind. If Mateo and I couldn't be together, what would happen with Callan, and Gideon, and me? Because they were a package deal, and I didn't want them if I couldn't have them all—It would hurt too much. They'd only remind me of Mateo, and I wouldn't be able to bear it. I didn't think the guys would want to exclude Mateo either.

Fuck. Only yesterday... It was only yesterday I'd been with them. I'd woken up in Callan's and Mateo's arms and made breakfast with Gideon.

When Mateo finally ended the class, which he did as fast as he could, I sat there for a moment in a daze. I figured I'd wait for the room to empty out so I could talk to him, but the girls got to him first.

He was surrounded by them as they asked questions about the course, the syllabus, and everything in between. Some of the questions might've been genuine, but most weren't.

It shouldn't have been a shock to me that they were basically throwing themselves at Mateo, but it was. At Callan's club, everyone had respected our relationship, but here...the girls didn't know—they couldn't know.

With heavy steps, I exited the room. Just as I walked out the door, I looked over my shoulder and made eye contact with Mateo. For a split second there, he let me see his own pain, but it was gone again when he shifted his focus back to the girl currently talking.

What a mess we'd unwittingly gotten ourselves into.

The humidity was like a wet slap in my face when I left the building, but I was grateful for the fresh air, nevertheless.