The Hidden Tears | A BTS Fan Fiction | Book 1 ✔

Chapter 30 : Inner Demons

Warning⚠ - This chapter contains mentions of self harm and sucide.

Flashback 4 years ago
•2 October 2017•

'They don't need you... Just die' He heard the voices again, crouched on the floor with a glass piece held firmly in his hands. His inner demons.

'They don't love you... They gave you for adoption but no one even adopted your pity self. You're just a burden."

Crying to himself, tired of everything happening in the life, he brought the glass fragment closer to his right wrist. Though his hands were shaking but he wanted to end this pain at once. He isn't strong enough to handle it all alone, the pain of being a burden and an unwanted responsibility, the pain of being called selfish by his sister, the pain of being an unwanted child. It's scary how misunderstandings and some unshared words can let a person take such dangerous decisions in life.

He knew the half truth out of which he made his own truth. A truth that's only true for him. He doesn't know that his adoption was a single thought which he mother regrets till date, he doesn't know how cruel her inner demons were on her, he doesn't know how one of the kidneys he has today is of his mother. She was the one begging the doctor to take even both her kidneys in order to keep her child healthy, she was the one ready to die for him. All her mistake was to think a small thought and she's suffering till date, alone in the darkness filled with regret. He doesn't know how much he means to his brothers who's happy pill is his boxy smile, his quirky personality.

All he believes is that they don't need him, they don't need a burden and useless brother or son like him. All he believes is baseless theories created by his inner demons. There's no use in living if no one wants you in their lives right? Then what is he even waiting for?

Sniffling and blinking his eyes in order to get rid of the haziness he striked the very first cut on wrist. In no time his once tan coloured wrist was red, stinging pain causing him to shut his eyes tight and let out a whimper. It was painful, too much for him to handle. But he has to do it, it's somehow reducing his mental pain, distracting him from all the chaos in his brain. It was making him feel numb. So without another thought he swiftly made another cut, this time more deep, causing the blood to ooz out at a faster speed.

Surprising to him, it wasn't as painful as the first one. Taking a deep breath he placed the glass piece upon his previous cut and marked another cut over it but this time in a vertical position. The extreme pain caused him to force out a shout of pain tensing the people on the other side of the door even more but he couldn't care more.

All the noises from the outside world faded away and all he could hear was the voice from his head, encouraging him to carry on whatever he's doing. 'You deserve this pain. Just end your life.' Were the words being repeated in his head. The tears streaming down his face were making it difficult for him to make out things clearly but this didn't stop him from marking more cuts on his wrist. One after another, ignoring the pain and blood filled wrist, he just kept piercing his skin with that glass fragment in his hand.

He liked the feeling of blood flowing out of his wrist, the physical pain that was till some extend replacing the mental pain. He felt all this too satisfying to stop now. He wanted to feel more if it, mark much more cuts till his skin is completely numb to feel anything. He wanted to push his inner demons away and this seemed like the best option.

Slicing his own skin into two and allowing the red liquid to flow out was not painful to him anymore rather it was satisfying. Something like relaxing? The glass he was using to harm his ownself was now too dripping with red liquid. The drops falling from it painting the cold floor red and his wrist already smudging the blood on his off-white shirt.

It was just a small piece of glass, even smaller than the size of his palm but it held the power to destroy him, make him do things that he'd regret in future. The glass piece was just like small misunderstandings in our life. They don't hold much value or importance but the harm they cause is unbearable. The destruction these misunderstandings cause are just like cuts, though they'll heal at a point of time but the scars won't fade.

At this point his both hands and wrist were filled with blood, the stinging sensation from cuts making him cry in pain but it wasn't enough, the pain wasn't enough to silence his inner demons, the small voice in his brain. He needed to end it all, it's too much to handle.

Why am I still alive after all these cuts, why am I still breathing still feeling the beatings of my heart?

Throwing away the glass on the floor in anger he brought his hands in front of his face, examining the blood that colored his hands, the cuts that were decorated in his once plain and clean wrist. The scene caused him to cry more, choking on his own tears.

It was disgusting. The blood, cuts, pain, he himself. Everything was so disgusting.

Standing on his two feet he walked towards the window of his room, as he looked outside. The sun was gradually setting, creating a beautiful scene of orange and yellow hues on the horizon. It was a sight to see but Taehyung's attention wasn't towards the sky rather down to the road. Standing on the 8th floor window and looking down, there was just one thought dominating his mind, the same words being repeated by that voice in his brain.

'Jump! You deserve to die. You're nothing but a disappointed. Let's end it all once and for all.'

He wanted to deny it, but he was too drained to do so, too tired to fight. So obliging to the demons who were accompanying him and ordering him since 3 weeks, he climbed over the window, ready to leap. Looking back one last time, admiring his room and recalling all the moments he spent here, reliving all the memories he made in this house he pulled a small painful smile on his face and faced out of the widow once again.

"Hyungs would forget me eventually, Jimin would understand too, Jungkook must hate me already for my words. Mom and Dad! Huh... They never wanted me at the first place. No one would suffer without me, they'll be happy." Saying these last words to himself, he allowed his body to lean forward, the gravity pulling it down as he felt himself free-falling. All his pain and worries vanishing and as if all this was happening in a slow-motion, he saw the faces of his parents and brothers appear before him.

Closing his eyes, he pulled the biggest boxy smile he could manage, feeling happy for releasing his family for a burden called Taehyung and soon he felt himself colliding with the concrete floor. That was when he found his mind going blank, black dots appearing in front of his eyes and his smile being replaced with a frown of pain. The last thing he saw before darkness consumed him was red colour all around his face and sillouhtetes running towards him.

"Call the ambulance, I guess he's dead. Shit! Call Mr Kim right now."

•√•

Don't know what to say anymore. I'm ruthless to do this to my winter bear.

DON'T ANYONE OF YOU EVER DARE TO TRY THESE STUPID ACTS. I won't mind repeating my words for you once again. Suicide is not a solution to anything in this world. Learn to fight and survive. Learn to appreciate what you have instead of dwelling upon what you don't. Look around and I'm sure you'll find a reason to live cause there always is one right in front of you but you're blinded by your own inner demons.

Learn how to dominate them and turn them into angels, learn to fight the negative thoughts. If you ever feel like talking to someone then don't ever hesitate to text me Swirlies. I'd love to help you out whenever you're feeling down. Don't forget that I lub you all soooo much❤

Your Overtalented Author
~AV

24/04/21