I'm Just Sayin' If You Really Loved Me You Would Share Him -A Jamilams Fanfic

Chapter Fifty Two

It had almost been a week since John had gone home for his things and now it was time for his mom's funeral. He stood in front of the mirror, straightening his tie uncomfortably.

Alex poked his head around the door, his unruly hair having been tamed back into a neat bun, and said, "It's time to go." John took a deep breath and nodded, walking to his boyfriend.

Alex immediately took his hand and led him outside where Thomas was waiting for them. "Are you gonna be okay?" he asked. John shrugged and Thomas wrapped an arm around him, pulling him into his side. 

Alex squeezed his hand and then the funeral car pulled up and Henry Laurens stepped out to greet his son. "You don't have to come in the car with us," he told him quietly.

John shook his head fiercely. "I want to," he assured his dad. Henry held the car door open and John slid in beside Martha, who instantly pushed him into the middle seat between herself and Henry Jr.

Junior took his hand and looked up at his elder brother out of big, sad eyes. John tried to smile at him reassuringly, but the muscles on his face didn't want to cooperate. 

Martha rested her head on his shoulder and John wrapped an arm around her comfortingly. "I don't want to go," she muttered as Henry got back in. 

John swallowed before replying, "Yes you do. If you don't go you'll regret not being able to say goodbye one last time." Martha sniffed and buried her face in his shoulder, John squeezing her tighter. 

Henry reached across the car and laid a hand on John's knee, drawing his attention to him. "Thank you for coming," he told his son sincerely. 

John smiled tightly. "Wouldn't miss it for the world," he forced out. 

After what felt like hours, the car slowed to a halt. Henry took a deep breath before saying, "We're here." He picked up his youngest daughter and got out of the car, cradling Mary close to him.

Martha got out, followed by John and Junior, the latter refusing to let go of his brother's hand. Alex, Thomas, Angelica, Eliza, and Peggy pulled up behind them a few seconds later. Thomas and Alex both sent John supportive half-smiles. 

John returned them with difficulty before he went inside with his brother. Henry instructed them to go find their seats and John went with Junior to sit in the front row. 

Martha had Mary sitting on her lap and Henry would sit next to them in the seat closest to the aisle once he had greeted everyone. Henry Jr sat next to Martha and John sat furthest in. 

Alex and Thomas came down, having been told by Henry that they could sit with John. They sat down next to their boyfriend and Alex subtly took John's hand. "You holding up okay?" Alex checked. 

John nodded. "So far, yeah," he confirmed. "Would you guys come with me to the coffin? I don't want to go by myself but I wanna see her again."

Alex nodded immediately, releasing his hand. Thomas stood up too, walking to John's other side and wrapping an arm around him. When Alex sent him a look, he defended himself, saying, "What? Friends wrap their arms around each other supportively!" 

John giggled quietly and the two stopped their bickering. They stopped in front of the casket and looked down at Eleanor Laurens. "She looks so peaceful," John said, his voice small.

Alex took his hand and squeezed it almost painfully. John squeezed back. "I'm sorry," he whispered. John shrugged. Thomas let them have a minute before steering his boyfriends back to their seats.

They sat down and Henry tensed up beside John. "Do I need to go see her?" he asked his brother, his voice quiet but high. John shook his head and Henry visibly relaxed. "Good," he murmured, taking John's hand.

Martha reached over and put a hand on John's leg. "Hey," she said lowly, "You good?" John nodded mutely and Martha squeezed before turning her attention back to Mary, who was loudly asking what was happening. 

When the funeral finally started, John let himself zone out, not wanting to hear the words that would make his mom's passing that much more final. Alex noticed his dazed state and squeezed his hand to draw his attention to him. "You alright?" he checked.

John shrugged and Alex left it alone. Once the funeral was over, some of the other bereaved came over to see the Laurens family and so Henry sent his kids out to the car.

Junior leaned his head on John's shoulder and cried himself to sleep before Henry Sr could come back. When he did, he took Mary from Martha and sat opposite his children.

John looked at him out of empty eyes, and Henry said, "If you guys want, I can ask Philip Schuyler if he can take you back to his until the wake's over. I don't want you to force yourselves to go."

Martha looked up at John and when it became apparent that he wasn't going to say anything she replied, "That sounds good Dad. We'll stick around until she's been buried and then we'll go with the Schuylers if they'll let us."

They arrived at the cemetery and John shook Henry Jr awake gently. Junior took one look at the wreck that was his older brother and went to his sister for comfort. 

Alex and Thomas got out of Angelica's car immediately when they saw John and they hurried over to him. "John? Sweetheart? Are you okay?" Thomas asked quickly. 

John blinked and his eyes cleared. "I just want this to be over with," he admitted. Alex tutted sympathetically, pulling his boyfriend into a hug. John pulled back quickly and followed his family to the freshly dug grave. 

Eleanor was lowered into the ground slowly and a priest said a few words. Most people left after that, but Henry, his children, Alex, Thomas and Eleanor's parents all stayed to watch the grave being filled in.

The gravediggers worked quickly and soon the grave was complete. John's grandmother, Mary, broke down in fresh tears and her husband led her away. Henry went around the grave and touched the gravestone gently. 

He swallowed hard before leaving. Martha, Mary and Junior followed. He went to Philip Schuyler, who stood a respectable distance away, and said a few words to him. Philip nodded and Angelica came forward to lead John's siblings to her car.

Eliza came over and murmured to Alex, "Angelica says she can come back for you guys or you can walk home, it isn't far from here. What do you prefer?"

Alex looked at John, who was staring blankly at the place he last saw his mother, and replied, "I think we'll walk." Eliza nodded and left, walking after Angelica. 

Alex walked to Thomas, who wrapped an arm around him as John fell to his knees next to the gravestone. "Please, don't be dead," he whispered brokenly, the first thing he'd said since arriving at the cemetery.

Thomas made to go to him, but Alex grabbed his arm, holding him back. In response to Thomas's furious look, Alex said, "He needs this. He needs to go through this Thomas, and nothing we say is going to make this okay."

Thomas still looked angry, but he let Alex lead. John sat there for a few minutes, talking quietly and crying, before Alex went and knelt next to him. 

John ignored him and Thomas hesitated for a few moments more. It was only when John murmured, "I can't do this alone," that Thomas went to him.

"Just as well you're not on your own then, huh?" he asked. "We're here for you. And I know I don't know what you're going through, and I know that you're probably gonna end up hating me over the next few weeks, but I'm here. And Alex is here. We ain't going nowhere darlin'."

John shut his eyes tightly, tears slipping through his eyelids and he choked out, "Could never hate you. Never." Thomas's arms wrapped around him and he broke. 

Alex watched as John sobbed in Thomas's arms and his heart broke (mine too Alex, mine too). He just wanted to see him happy. 

He knelt there while Thomas comforted John, and he touched the dirt that covered Eleanor Laurens' grave. And he made a vow that he would never let or make John cry like he was crying now.

~

Jesus fucking Christ man. That chapter hurt me deep. Not quite crying, but very close. OOF. Feels I swear. (Side note, is it bad to get feels from your own work?)