"Can I ask something?" Scott said as he was sitting in his therapist's office the following Friday. Rose was just getting fresh coffee for both of them before they would continue with their session. It had been a rather calm one to this point, Scott had shown her his journal and they had talked about it in-depth and Scott was both amazed and shocked at how much Rose was able to take from his thoughts.
"Of course you can, Scott. That's what we're here for" Rose replied and put the two mugs down.
"Well, I was intimate with Avi the other day. And while it was great, he said something afterwards, that startled me" Scott said.
"Yeah?"
Scott nodded. "Before he took off my underwear and touched me, he asked for my consent. And once we were done, he asked me whether Nick ever took advantage of me. And even though I didn't see it yesterday, I kept thinking about it" he said.
"When you say taking advantage you mean sexually, right?" Rose asked carefully.
"Yes."
"And what do you think?" Rose asked.
"I don't know, Rose. I mean there were instances where I was just not that into it and when I just waited for it to be over, but I don't know..." Scott replied.
"Why did you let him do things to you when you weren't into it?" Rose asked.
Scott wasn't taken aback by her blunt question, he appreciated that she didn't sugarcoat anything. "Because it was easier. I could take that, it was usually quick and easy." He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know."
"You know, Scott, with your history I was expecting at least some sexual abuse. To be able to really judge it, we would need to spend more time talking through those instances. But just to be clear: even if you didn't say 'no', in a functioning relationship your partner should realise that you're not into something he is doing and stop" Rose said.
"Avi asked me," Scott said. "He wanted to make sure I was ready."
Rose smiled. "That's good. I am amazed at how much you are able to trust him already."
"I've known him for years, he has always been a loyal friend and he is an amazing boyfriend," Scott said and took a sip from his coffee.
"So, Scott," Rose said after a short break. "Do you want to talk about the sexual aspect of the relationship some more, or do you want to think about it some more? I don't mind either."
"Think about it some more," Scott said. "Maybe if I have some sort I can write into my journal."
Rose smiled. "I'm glad that you like using the journal. I mean we can definitely do without, but we tend to forget so much we want to talk about and notes help" she said.
"That's true. Especially because I think about the oddest things regarding the relationship. Things that I deemed to be normal, but that were actually toxic" Scott explained. "And it both sucks, but also is so good at the same time."
"The thing is, Scott, even though you feel that it is rough right now, you already made it through the roughest bit by breaking up with him and throwing him out of your house," Rose said.
"Yeah," Scott said and thought back to the moment he finally urged him out of the house. "That wasn't easy at all. I'm just glad that I don't need to see him anymore."
~
A few weeks passed and Scott got more and more comfortable with himself and his past. Rose still helped him a lot and with Avi and his friends by his side, he was happy. They had picked up work with the band a few days ago and it was good for everyone to be back at it.
After a day full of meetings, Scott was on his way back home. He stopped at the grocery store to get a few things because Avi would be coming over. They wanted to spend the evening together and of course, Avi would be staying the night.
So Scott walked through the store, picked up a few things he still needed for dinner. Avi had asked for his Mac and Cheese with salad and Scott was happy to cook for him. So he got everything he needed for dinner and a few other things he still needed. When he went to get a new bottle of shower gel and some soap, he walked past the lube and condom section.
He stopped and thought about it. They had been intimate a few times, but it never had gone past hand and blowjobs. And while Scott didn't mind the slow pace, he was curious and wanted to be ready, just in case. After Nick had left, he had thrown out everything he still owned. He didn't want the smell of Nick's favourite lube and his condoms to remind him of their past, he wanted a fresh start.
So he grabbed a different brand of lube and a fresh package of condoms and put them into his shopping cart. He turned around a corner, wanting to get some chocolate as well when he almost crashed into a man he knew.
"Oh hey, Scott. Didn't expect to see you here."
His voice was sweet as always and it caused Scott to shiver. "Hey, Nick" he simply said and wanted to walk past him.
"Not so quickly, Scott." Nick had grabbed the shopping cart and held it in place so Scott wasn't able to get away. "How have you been the past weeks?"
"Fine" Scott said curtly. "Can you please let go, I have plans."
Nick raised an eyebrow and looked into the cart and fished out lube and condoms. "I knew you wouldn't be alone for a long time. A slut like you can't go without a dick for too long, hmm?" He looked at the package and scoffed. "Well, you definitely sized down."
Scott didn't know what to say or do. Nothing he had talked about with Rose had prepared him for such a moment. "This is none of your business" he finally pressed out and snatched the items out of Nick's hand. "Leave me alone."
Nick held up his hands in defence. "Okay, okay. I get it, you want to do your thing now. But if you feel the need for a real man with a real dick, let me know. My phone number hasn't changed and I haven't blocked you."
But Scott didn't reply anything, he just turned away and almost ran right to the checkout. He was glad that it wasn't full and he was able to go right through the next available cashier.
"Are you okay, Sir?" The middle-aged woman asked him.
"Yeah..." he said and took a deep breath. "Just in a hurry."
"Okay," she returned and proceeded to scan his items quickly.
Scott left the store minutes later and drove home. He felt a bit on edge, but he knew that he was safe from Nick and still had a night with his boyfriend to look forward to.
Once he was back at home, the blonde realised that he only had twenty minutes until Avi would arrive. Suddenly, Scott was stressed. He wanted to have the dinner ready by the time and maybe even change and take a shower, but he knew that it wasn't doable. So he decided to start on dinner.
Quickly, he prepared the salad and then boiled the pasta and assembled everything else he needed for the Mac and Cheese and while the bechamel was cooking, he quickly stowed away the rest of his shopping only to find out that the sauce had burnt badly. He cursed and pulled the pot away from his stove and while he was stirring to find out whether it could still be saved, he heard the doorbell.
All of a sudden, everything tumbled down on him and he felt tears welling up in his eyes. He was on autopilot and even though he wanted to be alone, he opened the door for Avi.
"Hi," he whispered and wiped his tears away with the back of his hand. "Sorry."
~~~~
