Stay With Me - Yeongyu FF

Chapter 43

Yeonjun POV

The next day, at work, I come face to face with Taehyun, who doesn't recognize me at first when he gives me his order. It's when I ask him for the particularities of his drink that he looks up.

"Yeonjun, is that you? What are you doing here?" he whispers, probably thinking that I can't chat with people at work. My boss didn't say anything against it, but I still don't dare take too long, there are other customers.

"I work here to help my mother financially. So, whipped cream or not?"

"Yes please. How's Beomgyu?" he continues.

"Not great, but it's a long story. We can meet up this afternoon and I'll tell you, alright?"

"Sure, yes, sorry for keeping you" he says as he pays and takes a seat. I take care of other customers, finish my shift, and text Taehyun to ask where he wants to meet. He asks me if Mom isn't gonna need me, I tell him she's at work, and that I'm eating alone anyway, so he suggests we go to a restaurant together, saying it's his treat. I can't refuse that, usually if Kang Taehyun is willing to pay for a rendezvous, he's desperate, but I still feel embarrassed about having him pay everything. He gives me the address of a restaurant he likes, and I drive there. When I arrive, he's just taking a table. I join him, and we take a seat. Taehyun wants me to tell him the whole story now, but I don't want to make the atmosphere gloomy, and I don't want to get myself gloomy so fast, so I tell him I'll choose my food first. He does too, getting the hint. He's a smart boy, he understands hints like that. We both choose our food, and once we've ordered, he asks what happened again. This time, with my heart beating hyper fast, a feeling of loneliness with it and probably tearful eyes, I accept to tell him what happened. He looks rather shocked once I'm done, and gives me a look of pity, but not the type of pity that says 'oh my poor soul, I'm so sorry, this world is really cruel', the type of pity that says 'fuck this world, will he make it out?'.

The angry pity, basically.

The type that I don't mind being looked at with.

He doesn't ask me any details other than what I told him. He doesn't even ask questions. I think he understands how much it hurts.

Or at least understands the words. They say you can't understand the feeling if you haven't felt it.

That afternoon, after Taehyun and I have gone our separate ways, I feel at a loss with myself. I have no inspiration to do anything. I don't want to go see Beomgyu. I'm not sure why. I just don't feel like it. I guess I'm just scared. I text him though, maybe he'll see it. I apologize, and tell him that I don't feel like seeing him. I'm scared of it being too honest, but you can never go wrong with the truth. Or at least, you can never go as wrong with the truth as you can with a lie. Beomgyu says it's understandable. I tell him I think it's because I'm feeling a little down. He sends me a laughing emoji, and still tells me in which ways he got better. He says that he can now carry some of his weight, and turn over himself and roll around the bed. He can take his phone alone, he can lift it up - although not for very long. I cheer for him, tell him that's amazing, that I'm happy for him.

At least it means that he's getting slightly better.

Because I can't exactly tell how I feel myself, I decide to go home.

I don't know how I feel. Isn't that a little weird? How is one supposed to not understand how they feel? As someone who has never felt anything close to what people call depression - term that has by now been vulgarized by self-diagnosing - I have always been able to understand my own feelings. I could write them down on a piece of paper, with precise adjectives, beautiful words - or at least I think are beautiful - and hopefully well-explained emotions. At least I could understand them. When I read them through again, I think to myself 'This actually feels accurate'. But right now, now that I'm trying to write these same emotions down to try and find them, I feel like giving this feeling a word of emotion, like 'happy', 'sad', or anything, doesn't feel right, but saying that I feel numb is also feeling wrong.