Stay With Me - Yeongyu FF

Chapter 52

Yeonjun POV

Like any person would in this situation, I panic. I panic even more than I did when he didn't wake up in my house, because the doctors think he's gonna die. Mom and I learn that he and his mother have been brought back to the mainland, to Seoul, so we quickly go there. We find Beomgyu's mother in this sort of lounge where patients' relatives can go, pale as a sheet and in a much worse situation than before. I myself probably look just as pale, because the nurse on duty asks if I'm okay. A doctor then comes out of the room Beomgyu has been brought to, looking so, so concerned. His face makes Beomgyu's mom panic even more, to the point that she seemed on the brink of fainting. I was also feeling a bit dizzy, but just because of the panic. The doctor says that he's awake, but he's now completely paralysed. Beomgyu's mother asks how this is possible, he was fine yesterday. The doctor answers that it is the motor nerve that got suddenly and severely attacked, like it did when he lost control of his legs, but that this time, the other nerves are degrading as well, and at a very fast pace.

We go see Beomgyu, who seems to have been told everything before us. His mother doesn't let him go. She hugs him tightly, keeps talking to him, asks him if he knows something that we don't. The doctor was right about the nerves degrading quickly, already his sentences started losing their sense, because he didn't have the physical power to make full sentences, and the mental power to structure them. We understood that they gave him three weeks to live, but that he feels like he won't survive until this Friday, in a week. His mother really started crying now, I was also in tears, only Mom wasn't crying, only sympathising with us, because Beomgyu didn't mean much to her. She still seemed teary-eyed, but probably because of the state I was in.

We gave Beomgyu's mother a moment with him, during which Mom and I waited outside. I couldn't whisper a single word, I felt like I would cry if I did. Then, Beomgyu's mother suggests that I go talk to him, so I do. He was there, lying on the bed. Without his mother in front of him, I could see how sick he looked. Still unable to say a thing, I bend down to kiss him. His lips were wet from his tears, his kiss was weak from the illness. Both of these things make me cry too. I feel like it's too early. I don't want him to die. Not now.

"Don't... cry. You... prepared... it" he mumbles.

"No, no I didn't, not like this"

"I want... die... sleep. I don't want.... pain but... feel pain" he says. I managed to understand what he meant overall, which makes me cry even more. He knew this was going to happen, he was just hoping that it would be less painful. I'm not sure what hurts, but I don't dare ask him, because I don't want him to waste his breath, but he tells me anyway.

"Arms... my head... like... brain... feel stiff... too stiff... does pain... I don't want pain"

"It's okay, it's okay" I say, trying to calm him down, keeping an arm around his waist to tell him that I'm here since he won't feel it if I hold his hand. I turn his head towards me so he can see me sitting beside him. He gives me a small, weak smile with a hitched breath that seemed to be a weak laugh. I can't find the courage to smile back, but I know that it's better for him if I seem happy, so I play a bit with his hair, making knots to bother him. It hurts me a little once he gives me a pout, because I realise that he can't push me away anymore. I leave his hair alone and I feel Beomgyu suddenly become less tense against my arm around his waist, which makes me realise that he had tried to bring up his arms or move his head away from me. When I look up at him, he has a tear in his eyes. He also remembered his fate.

"Oh my baby!" I cry, bending down on him in a similar way his mother did, unable to hold in all the emotions. I thought that his mother's reaction was very strong, typical to motherhood, but I didn't think I'd react in a similar way.

"Don't... pity me, please... You can have.... a normal... life" he says, smiling a little.

"No" I find myself saying, "No, I can't. I can't because the love of my life is going to die"

"But... I was... dying anyway" he argues.

"I can't live without you"

"You will" he says, seemingly trying to shout but too weak to do so, "For me. I don't want to... be your killer" he pushes himself to make full sentences, but I tell him to calm down and rest. A nurse then comes in and asks that I leave while she checks Beomgyu up. I go back to that weird lounge and see only Beomgyu's mother, who explains that Mom didn't want to bother us and that I would probably want to spend time with Beomgyu. She says she'll bring me back, which I'm very thankful about.

We wait for about ten minutes, then we see a doctor enter Beomgyu's room. His mother starts panicking a bit, saying that she's scared something happened. I tell her that I think it's just a check-up, and that there's nothing wrong. It calms her down a little, although I'm actually thinking the same things she does.

It feels weird, knowing that this is almost the end. A year and a month. I'm sure that, for him, these times were the best and most impactful of his life, and that he'll tell me he's happy to have me by my side in his final minutes. For me, this was just as impactful, but I'm the one having to live with the memory of him. It would be lying to say that I'll make it. My father was right: I shouldn't have fallen so deeply in love, even if I really wanted to. I should have taken a step back to realise what was going on, but I spent so much time loving him that I forgot that time was running out. I've fallen too deep, and although he wants me to keep living a normal life once he leaves, I don't think I'll be able to. I'm scared to live without him. I can't imagine what my life will be like. It is the first time I start thinking seriously about my future. I used to think that we'll be fine, that we'll live a long life together. But we won't. Now, I've planned my life with him. Will I be able to live without him?

I'm scared of myself. Scared of how far I'll go to stay with Beomgyu forever.

The doctor that had been with Beomgyu now comes to us, saying that they received the results of the most recent scans. He says things that I don't understand, or that I choose not to hear, until Beomgyu's mother's question.

"How long do you think he'll survive?"

The doctor takes some time to think, looking through the files and analysing his situation.

"I think... I think he might live for another week, but there will be more tests to do in three days that will confirm how long he'll live" he says.

That makes me a little stressed. Beomgyu was right. I was hoping it would be three weeks like the doctors first said, but he was right after all. That makes it worse.

About three hours later, I'm forced to go back home, because of the visiting hours. I can't sleep nor that night, nor the next, and only manage to take some rest when passing out on the third night. When I wake up, Mom tells me that I've slept through the day and missed the new tests they did on Beongyu, but that they told her the results. It is confirmed that he has about 5 days to live. I rush to the hospital to talk and be with him as long as I can, keeping him occupied so he can forget that he's this close to death and seem happy. He's dying in pain, but I want him to die in joy, although by now he can't speak anymore. I ask the doctor if they know how he'll die. He says it will probably be of a respiratory failure in his sleep, because that's when his breathing is at its slowest, or from fatigue if he gets too nervous. I nod, hoping he'll die in his sleep so he won't feel as much pain.

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Ouchie

I'm sorry

😭😭😢

Hehe

Are you still alive ?

The next chapter is the last one, but I have written a little epilogue