Crisis Of Desire

< LXVI >

Rafael Adriano Curzio:

I jumped out of bed when I heard her scream and was already at her door when she stopped. 

Just a moment of silence, less than a second, so she could catch her breath. 

She screamed out of pain again, and I froze. I wanted to enter the room, to see what was going on. But what was I supposed to do to help her? 

I couldn't just go into her room, I couldn't go near her without wanting to feel her again, and I definitely wouldn't know how to help her. 

But worst of all, I wouldn't be able to look at her because of the pain she has to endure-

She screams again. A pain so hard and clear that it flows through my body, aching deep in my bones, my soul, and I freeze. 

I'll wait for Leon to get here and I hope he gets here fast. 

Just breathe... I press myself against the wall and take a deep breath. Trying to stop myself from running into that room. 

But why? Why am I not laughing at her pain? Why am I not bursting through the door, not caring about her pain? Why am I not yelling at her for waking me up? 

I shouldn't be worrying about her reaction to me storming into her room, because she made it clear. She wants nothing to do with me. 

And I should want nothing to do with her as well. She lied to me. She broke my trust by letting her emotions get the best of her. 

Just as I expected. 

I just thought... What did I think? 

Because I always knew that she was going to fall at some point. I just thought that it would be a lot easier, way more dramatic. Way less... Painful? 

No. None of this is painful. Not to me. 

But to her it is. And...

And seeing her in pain, pains me? As if her pain is somehow in the air I breathe. As if her screams are a reminder of how much I hurt her, even though her nightmares aren't about me at all. 

At least they weren't last time. 

Manuela told me that she dreamed about killing Luca. His soul tainted her, ruined her vision even in her sleep. She was in so much pain the last time, and I actually thought the nightmares stopped. 

But here they are. 

She screams again, making all the walls in the house and the ground, tremble with fear and pain. The fear and pain she's feeling right now. Shit. 

If I was good at comforting, I would've gone into the room. Despite her hatred towards me, I would've helped. But I don't know how to. And I don't think I'll be able to. 

Because it would get worse. 

Her panic would only grow if she saw me. I know it would. 

Just like she almost panicked when she said it. When she said those three words. 

"I love you." 

She was so scared to say it, but she did. The look in her eyes- it made me panic. 

It made me panic in the worse way ever. I didn't know what to do or how to respond. So I did what I do best. I lashed out. 

And then that incident with Molly. 

Talk about the devil. The spare bedroom door opens and Molly walks into the hall. 'What's going on?' 'Go back to sleep.' 

She rolls her eyes, but walks back into the room. I called her in last night, but I regret it. The look on Valentina's face was too pained.