Make Me (Remdy)

We All Break

Trigger warning: depression, brief mention of death

"So go. Lie on your bed alone and work that one out for yourself. Go on. Walk away. I'll see you at breakfast." With force, Andy pulls open the door. "Go on."

Remington looks at him, then at the corridor, then back at him again.

Andy jabs a finger towards the open door. "I said go, Remington."

"I know what you said," the younger replies. "But I won't go."

"And why is that?"

Remington holds his gaze, his  "Because if I loved you, I would stay." This is followed by a long silence, before he steps away from the door and says, "And I do love you."

Letting go of the handle, Andy looks away. The door clicks shut. "Remington..." He mumbles.

"I love you."

"Remington..."

"I'm awful with comforting people and I have anger issues and I cry most nights, but I promise you, I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true, Andy. And it is true. I'm falling in love with you."

Andy's eyes are those of a child's. He runs an uneasy hand through his hair. "No you're not."

"I am and you know it."

"You can't say this shit to me, Remington. I'm already divorced and I'm not even thirty-one yet. You can't say this shit, I can't deal with it."

"What is there to deal with, Andy? I'm falling in love with you. That means I care about you. That means I want you to be happy. That's a good thing."

"Yeah, but you don't love me. You love the perfect version of me you've created in your mind. You love the version of me who buys you dinner and compliments you and tells you I'm here for you. That's the only version you know."

Remington shakes his head. "That's not true, Andy."

"Please, just go."

"You're not listening to me."

"Yes, I am. You think you're in love with me. I know you're not. Because how could you be? How could you possibly be in love with me, Remington, when all I seem to do is fuck shit up for you, huh? How?"

"For God's sake, Andy, can't you see all the things you've done for me? You got me an actual career in a band that I like, you pulled me time after time out of self-destructive spirals, you got new graves when they were vandalised. You make my life better, Andy, how can you not see that?"

The man sits on the bed and puts his head in his hands.

Remington sits beside him and sighs.

"I'm so fucking... Confused," Andy admits. "Not just about this, about everything."  He shakes his head. "I married when I was hardly an adult. I didn't even know what I liked at that point. I was homeless when the band started out and all I could trust was myself. Remington, just myself. Then we got famous and I got divorced and now I..." He looks at the younger. "Now I don't even know if I like women. I went from being someone's husband to being a single, angry, insufferable, dick, Remington, how can you say that I am someone you love?"

"Because you're not those things to me."

"Then what am I? Do enlighten me."

"You're the only person who treated me like a human after finding out about my brothers. You're the only person who took time and money to properly help me. You're the only person to actually listen when everyone else was constantly telling me how I should feel. You're the one who made me feel important enough to do something with my life. You're the one who had enough of a heart to check I was okay, to make me laugh, to argue with me but still show you cared. Why wouldn't I love you, Andy? You made my life feel like mine again."

Andy is quiet.

Remington puts a hand on his shoulder. "You don't think anyone could love you after what happened with your marriage, but you're wrong. What happened wasn't your fault and what she did when your son died was awful. You didn't deserve any of that and you're right, you were young, how could you know what you wanted? It wasn't your fault. One fucked up marriage doesn't make you unlovable."

The elder shakes his head, says nothing still.

Leaning in, Remington whispers, "You're not unlovable, babe, you're just breaking, but it's okay. Everyone breaks sometimes. And I won't let you break alone."

"Rem..."

"I know you're confused about who you are and what you want, and I know it's a big thing for you to feel this sort of emotion towards another man, but that doesn't mean you're unlovable and I doesn't mean I won't love you."

Andy lifts his head from his hands. There are tears in his eyes. He looks at Remington. "I don't know how to be loved. The idea of letting my guard down for someone to do that is terrifying."

"And I get that. But look at us, Andy. Look at what we've done already. Look at all the messes I've been in and you've got me out of, all the times you've been the one I've come to. I know we fight and we both clearly have issues, but I can be sure that, after everything, I'm safe with you. I can't let that go."

Andy wipes his eyes and looks away.

"There is no one who has ever made me smile the way you do."

"Rem." He returns his gaze to the younger. "Stop talking and kiss me."

Remington does, and he, too, is teary. When they break the kiss, his heart is in his throat.

Andy looks deep below the surface of his glossy eyes. "I don't know what's going on or how this happened," he murmurs, a hand to the boy's cheek. "But I'm falling in love with you, too."