Make Me (Remdy)

We All Find Beauty In Horror

Someone tell me you've seen the How To Train Your Dragon films? Because I've watched them all like 3 times these past few days and I can't get through even 1 without sobbing, tell me I'm not the only one. 

Trigger warnings: Mentions of suicide, depression, death/injury

Remington stays at the graveyard for a long time after Andy has walked away. He considers calling Leo, but decides against it simply because of how disappointed it would make Andy. Instead, he gets up and leaves his brothers to find the man, and ultimately, to apologise. 

He walks slowly and at the main road, he stands on the edge and watches the cars and buses and lorries rush past. There's a horrible calmness in the noise they make. The rushing of air as they pass, the hiss of rubber on tarmac, the low groan of engines designed for speed. It'd be an easy way to go. 

It is an easy way to go. 

He's seen it first hand, after all. 

It'd be easier without the protection of a car of his own - his body VS their metal. A slam, a piercing screech, a rush of warmth as blood drenches him, a final pang of agony. Then it'd be all over. Just like that.

Remington considers it to such the extent that he almost can't believe he hasn't done it. He stands there for a while, watching the vehicles and wondering if anyone has done it here before. Given up their life, that is. If anyone has been brave enough to fulfill that type of ending. You'd have to be brave to do something like that. Brave and sure. 

There are times when he is sure. Times when all he can think about is how brave and sure he is. But those times are always short lived, because the thrill of the idea outlives the reality of it. A sheet of metal smashing against him, a stretch of solid road breaking his fall and breaking bones, an all-consuming pain like no other. More than braveness and certainty is needed to withstand that sort of voluntary self-destruction.

Besides, doing it once is enough, even if that once, he did not complete what perhaps was supposed to have happened. 

Andy answers the door with a blank face, doesn't speak. 

"Can I come in?" 

"Why?" 

"To say sorry." 

"Say it here." 

Remington sighs, looks down.  "Look, Andy, I know I have trust issues, okay?"

"Okay," Andy says, monotonous.

"I know that. And I'd love to blame it on the accident, but honestly, I can't, because that would be lying. It's just how I am. Always have been." 

"Okay," Andy says. 

"And I know I have no right to be paranoid about you and Juliet, but I can't help it. But I'm sorry. Andy, I'm sorry. For everything. I know I'm a mess and I know I'm nothing but an inconvenience to you. So I'm sorry." 

"Okay," Andy says again. "You're not an inconvenience, but thank you." He looks at Remington, furrows his brows, knows all too well the emotions beneath his I'm pretending to look calm expression. "I appreciate your honesty." 

Remington turns to leave. 

"Wait," Andy says after him, and he turns back. "Come in. You're not safe on your own." Now, he steps aside, smiles for a second or two.

Remington is hesitant. 

"I'm not a monster, contrary to popular belief. Please come in. Because yes, you pissed me off, and no, I'm not over it, but despite that, you shouldn't be on your own. I know what you're capable of when you're sad. So come in. At least then you'll be safe, even if you are a huge pain in the arse." 

"Thanks," Remington mumbles, stepping into the house. 

"This doesn't mean I'm over it," Andy reminds him, though in a soft voice. 

"I know." 

Leading them through the living room, Andy sits down, encourages Remington to do the same. "Are you okay?" He asks. 

"Uh..." 

"Okay, let me be less vague. Are you going to hurt slash kill yourself if you're left alone?" 

A hesitation, then a shrug, then, "Probably." 

Andy hums as though he already knew that. "Does Angelica know how bad it is? Your depression, I mean. Does she know it's this bad?" 

Another shrug. 

"You haven't told her?" 

"I told her my brothers died and I miss them." 

"But not that you already tried to kill yourself once?" 

Remington shakes his head. 

"Okay." 

"Sorry." 

"Don't apologise. I'm just..." He sighs. "I'm just worried about you. I know you're not even close to being happy and I know sometimes the only thing between you and your grave is me, and honestly, Remington, I'm scared. Because all I'd have to do is say the wrong thing at the wrong time, and that could be it. It's like walking on eggshells, trying to keep you above the surface. And I know it's out of your control and I'm not blaming you at all, but you must see the problems I'm having with this." 

Remington nods slowly, looks at his hands. "I know," he says. "I thought I would be better by now." 

"You need to tell her. I get that it's hard to admit, but you've told me, and you used to hate me, and hon, she's a qualified professional. She can help you more than I can." 

"Okay." 

"Do you want a hug?" Andy asks. "You look like you're fighting tears."

Remington accepts the offer. "Are you going to break up with me?" He asks in Andy's arms. 

The man doesn't reply immediately. Remington doesn't know whether it's because he's thinking about it, or because he wants to say 'yes' but is trying to word it in a nice way. Eventually, he says, "No, I'm not. I should, but I won't." A pause. "No, I don't think that would help anything. I think that no matter how much that may seem like the easy thing to do, it'll only make everything worse. I know you need someone and I know that I'm that person for you right now, and I'm not going to leave you with nothing just because it might be easier for me. I'm not the important one right now." 

"Okay," Remington whispers, at a lack of anything else to add. 

"Buy you have to tell Angelica how bad it is. You just have to." 

"I know." 

"You're gonna be okay, okay?"

"Okay," Remington whispers again. He can still hear the mind-numbing slam of metal against him.