Make Me (Remdy)

We All Want To Go

Trigger warnings: Mentions of depression, suicide, self harm, death

It's mid-evening. Remington is sitting on Andy's couch in one of the man's shirts with a takeaway box of noodles. He looks up from the food when Andy sits beside him, sniffles."Thanks for this," he says quietly, swirling the fork in the noddles. 

Andy smiles. "No worries. You feeling any better?" 

Remington shrugs. 

"I've contacted a psychiatrist company, they're gonna send over a digital form for you to fill in so they can find you the most suited therapist. They're pretty expensive but I'm happy to pay for it." 

"Okay. Thanks." 

"They said it might take a few weeks, up to a month, for them to get back to you with details on sessions and everything. In the mean time, you're welcome to stay here as long as you need, I'd rather that than for you to be struggling on your own." 

"Thanks." 

"And you know one things that we're not gonna do?" He reaches for the drink he made himself. "Argue. There's gonna be no arguing. We definitely do not need that right now." 

"I agree." Remington lifts the fork from the box. "Thanks for saving me." 

Andy smiles. "Everyone needs saving sometimes, don't sweat it." He sips the coffee. "I feel we should sort a few things out between us," he then says. "I don't want to overwhelm you, I just think we ended things badly, and I realise that it was my fault for throwing it all at you. I want to apologise for that, and for how abandoned I made you feel." 

Remington is quiet, thoughtful. Then he says, "It wasn't your fault, Andy. You were right. I do lash out instead of facing what is actually the issue. And you're right about needing help, too. I should have got help a long time ago. Thanks for pushing me into it."

"I didn't mean to make you feel like I didn't care. You know that, right?" 

"No, yeah. I know. You did the right thing. It's not your fault that I'm 6 foot deep in suicidal thoughts and that I took everything way out of proportion. I honestly just appreciate that you came to help me after the shit I said to you. I know I've been horrible to you, and all you were trying to do was help me. I'm sorry." 

"You don't need to be sorry, I get it. I won't hold it against you that you're struggling. That wouldn't be fair at all. 

"Okay." 

"I just want you to be okay. I know you haven't been for a while and I'm sorry for contributing to how bad you've been feeling recently." 

"Don't blame yourself," Remington says. "Seriously, don't blame yourself for any of this. You didn't kill my brothers or vandalize their graves or climb into my head and convince me that no one loves me and I'm gonna be alone forever and that cutting myself would be a good idea. It's not your responsibility, Andy. I'm not your responsibility." 

"You can't keep trying to handle it by yourself. It's okay to let someone else in, you know? It's okay to let me be responsible." 

"I don't want you to be burdened."

Andy shakes his head, puts his mug down. "Don't be stupid. You're not a burden. Just because we shouldn't be together right now doesn't mean I don't still care about you." 

"Why can't we be together?" Asks Remington. He still sounds close to tears. 

A sigh from the elder. "Because I think you need to look after yourself and work on your mental health before you commit yourself to a relationship. And because I think when we're together, we argue, and all arguing does is make everything worse. You don't need that. Neither of us need that." 

Remington blinks multiple times, twists the fork excessively in the noodles. "You don't want me," he mumbles. 

"That's not true. I want you so bad, but I can't let you worsen your mental health by pushing it aside just to be with me. I know that's what happened last time. I know that you hoped being with me would make it all go away, and honestly I wish it could, but that's not how it works and it's not fair to keep putting you through it." 

"I don't wanna be alone." 

"I know, baby, and you're not alone. Whether we're together or not, I will always care about you and love you and be here for you. You know that. You're so not alone." Andy picks up the mug again. "We're just not right for each other, at least not at the moment, and that's okay. We shouldn't force it because if we do that, all we'll end up doing is hating each other, and that would break my heart. It doesn't mean I don't love you or want you or need you." 

The expression on Remington's face is half-way between sadness and blankness. "I don't want to be here without them anymore. I don't think I can do it anymore." 

"You'll get through it, you will." 

"I wish I believed you." 

"It's gonna be okay, you're gonna be okay. We'll take it a day at a time." 

"I just want to see them." 

"I want that for you, too, but I won't let you kill yourself to achieve it, I just won't." 

"How are you gonna stop me?" Remington asks. 

Andy frowns. "By getting you help, by being here for you, by listening. By doing whatever you need." 

"But what I need is to see them, Andy. How will I do that without killing myself?" 

"You won't, and I know how upsetting it is, but you deserve to live."

"But I need to." 

"And you will, but not yet, baby, not yet. When it's your time to go, you'll see them. But now is not that time." 

"It is. It is that time," the younger insists, putting the food down and wiping his eyes. "I want to go now." 

"I won't let you do that." 

"I thought you wanted me to be happy." 

"I do. I want you to be happy and alive." 

"But I don't want to be alive, Andy. I don't want to be alive anymore." He closes his eyes, shakes his head, covers his face with his hands. Then he's crying, so Andy hugs him, at a loss as to what to say. He isn't sure if his efforts will be enough to stop what he fears is just around the corner.