Make Me (Remdy)

We All Need Picking Up

Trigger warnings: Mentions of suicide, depression, self harm, death

Juliet wakes Andy when she hears multiple muffled screams from upstairs, lifting a sleeping Lucas from his lap. "I think he's upset," she whispers, motioning to the stairs. "I'll put Lucas to bed." 

Andy yawns and blinks until he's a little more awake, then getting up off the couch and stretching his arms out. "How long's he been up there?" He asks, yawning again. 

"He went to use the bathroom ten minutes ago." 

"Oh. Right. Okay." 

"Is something wrong?" 

"Uh...no. Everything's fine. I'll see you tomorrow. I'm gonna make pancakes for breakfast so don't let Lucas get his hands on anything before then." 

"Sure, you got it." 

Andy turns and begins for the stairs, ascending them two at a time and opening his bedroom door to the heart sinking sight of Remington lying on his side on the bed with the duvet clutched in his hands and pressed to his face. 

Remington has to look up to check it's not one of his brothers and is visibly relieved when he sees Andy, who closes the door behind himself and sits on the bed. "Oh, darling," he whispers. "Come here, hon, you want a hug?" 

"I want to die," Remington sobs, making to attempt at accepting the hug. He's worried Andy might somehow not be real, either. 

Andy lies beside him, presses his chest to Remington's back. "I know, sweetie, I know. It's okay. You're okay," he says quietly. 

"No, I...Not okay," he cries. His words are broken and muffled and the physical contact only makes the tears come quicker. He turns over and pushes his face into Andy's neck.  

Andy puts a hand to back of his head. "That's okay, too," he whispers. "Whatever you're feeling is okay, and I'm right here. You're not alone." 

"But you're-you're not them." 

"I'm so sorry they're not here. I wish I could switch places with them for you, I really do." 

Remington shakes his head. "No," he mumbles. "You can't go. I need you. Please don't go." 

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here."

"Everything hurts." 

"I know, hon, I'm sorry." 

"I-I can't do it anymore." 

"Do you know how well you're doing? I'm so proud of you. I know it's awful and it hurts like hell, but you're still here and that's so important. You're so important." He kisses Remington's head and closes his eyes. "I'm right here. I'm always right here. I know I'm not them, but please know you're not alone. I'll always be right here." 

There's a gentle knock on the door. Remington lifts his head and looks at Andy, wet faced and exhausted. 

Andy smiles warmly and kisses his head again before getting up to answer the door. "What's up?" He asks. 

"Is everything okay?" Juliet asks. 

"No, yeah. Nothing to worry about. Do you need something, or..."

"Oh. Yeah. A toothbrush? I completely forgot to bring mine." 

"One sec," Andy says. He closes the door and goes into the en-suite, momentarily stopping at the mess on the floor but ignoring it for the time being to find a new toothbrush in the back of a drawer. "Here," he says as he hands it to her. "Keep it. Is that everything?" 

"Yeah. Thanks. Good night." 

"Sleep well," Andy returns while closing the door. 

Remington is sitting up now and wiping his eyes. "Sorry for that," he says, gesturing towards the bathroom. "I got a little...carried away." 

"Don't worry about it, I'll tidy it tomorrow. I'm gonna get you some water." 

"Thanks." 

"Course, hon. Anything else you need?" 

He shakes his head and yawns, rubs his eyes, and when Andy returns with the drink, quietly says, "I don't want to ruin Christmas for you or Lucas, or Juliet." 

Andy hands him the glass and sits beside him. "If tomorrow is horrible and spend most of it crying, there is nothing wrong with that. You won'r ruin anything, I promise. I just want you to know you're not alone, and it's okay if you hate everything about Christmas. Whatever you feel, I'm right here and I will continue to be right here, okay?" 

"It's just...this is, like, your family thing now. You know. You, Juliet, your son. And I'm just...here. Imposing." 

"No. Not imposing. I invited you. Juliet invited you. Lucas wants you here. You know he does. We all want you here. Besides, you're my boyfriend and I love you, and I will love you regardless of whether you enjoy Christmas or not." 

"I don't even wanna wake up tomorrow," Remington admits. "I feel like it's gonna completely fuck me up. Having to live through knowing they'll never get Christmas again. They loved Christmas. It's not fair." 

"It's not fair at all," Andy agrees. "And if all you can manage is to stay in bed, that's okay, too. I'll bring you lots of food and hot chocolate." 

Remington smiles for a moment, wipes his eyes again. "I wanted to kill myself earlier. Or at least hurt myself bad enough that I would've had to go to hospital."

"But you didn't," Andy reminds him. "You didn't hurt yourself." 

"Only because you hid everything." 

"It doesn't matter the reason. You didn't hurt yourself and you wanted to and I'm proud of you. Be proud of yourself, hon." 

"I'll try." He sips the water. "I didn't expect it to be this hard again. I though I was through the hard bit. I've already done the depressive episode pissing the bed thing, I don't need to do it all again." 

"There's no timeline of grief." 

"I wish there was. Like, after a few months, you magically get over it and move on. Imagine how great that would be."

"Then we would all be robots," Andy says. "If you spiral and piss the bed again, I will be right here and I will help you, okay? I'll clean you up, I'll shower with you, I'll feed you comfort food. I'll be right here, whatever happens." 

"You're a good boyfriend, Andy." 

"I'm very glad you think so, because in the past, I've been told otherwise." 

"Well then you were dating cunts." 

"I though I was a cunt." 

"You are, but you were dating cunt cunts." 

"Right..." 

Remington puts the glass down and yawns. "I will wake up crying at some point," he says. "Just warning you." 

Andy pulls him in for a kiss, smiles. "And you will also wake me up and let me hug you." 

"Fine." 

"Good. And if things are really bad tomorrow and you need to hurt yourself, to tell me, okay?"

"Okay."

"And like I said, if all you can handle is to wake up and lie here all day, no one is going to hold that against you. No one. And if they do, I'll scalp them." 

"Violent, but thanks." 

"Anytime, little darling. Sleep well."