Make Me (Remdy)

We All Have A Fear Of Abandonement

Trigger warning: Mentions of depression, death, panic attack 

"Please just go, Remington." 

Eyes blown wide and verging on tears, the younger shakes his head. When he speaks, his voice is weak. "You can't leave me," he says. Then a long pause. "You said you loved me." 

Andy goes into the kitchen to put the ice cream back in the freezer. Then he leans against the side. "And I do love you," he says. "But that doesn't make everything perfect. Our relationship is toxic. Everything about it is toxic."

"You can't leave me," Remington repeats fearfully. "Don't you care at all?" 

"Of course I care, Remington, but all we're doing is ruining each other. I'm bad for you, you're bad for me. We need to stop putting ourselves through it." 

"That's not true," he insists. "Relationships are never perfect, that doesn't mean we're bad for each other."

"Nothing about our relationship is okay, don't you see that? We fight all the time. Please, Remington. This isn't easy for me." 

"But it's easy for me? You can't leave me, Andy, please. You can't. We can sort everything out so it works, but you can't leave me." 

Looking at the cupboard opposite, the man sighs. "I'm not just going to ignore all that's wrong just because you don't want to be alone. You think I wanna be alone, too? I don't. I can't stand being alone, but I'd rather that than for this to continue. It's pointless. What're we gonna do? Kiss and make up and fuck, and then what? Argue again? Don't you see it's just a deadly cycle? I know it's a shitty situation, but we can't keep forcing something that's not going to work out." 

Remington stands in the doorway. "Why are you doing this to me? Why won't you even try?" 

"I have tried. All I've done since I met you is try, Remington. Try to understand you, to comfort you, to help you, to get past all the bullshit you hide behind, but clearly I'm getting nowhere, because as soon as you feel a little exposed or vulnerable, you just close up and start a fight. And you know what? So do I. Maybe that's our problem. We're too similar. We're both lonely and selfish and we've been through shit that's fucked us up. We make each other worse, so what other choice is there? All we're gonna do if we keep trying is end up hating each other, and I really don't want to hate you." He shakes his head. "I'm sorry. I really am. I didn't want it to be like this, but I have to do something before we ruin everything. Please, Remington, I love you, but you need to go." 

The younger's eyes are spilling. "No one understand how I feel apart from you." 

"No, that's not true. You think I understand, but I don't. I don't understand most of what you do. I try, God knows I do, but you need more than that. You need more than me."

"I need you."

"All I'm doing is stopping you from moving on from your brothers." 

"Moving on? They're dead, Andy, no one moves on from that. Is that what this is about? You're tired of me being sad? You've had enough of having of play the hero?" 

"See, you're doing it again! I say something that makes you feel vulnerable, so you start a fight to hide your vulnerability." 

"No, Andy-" 

"Just go." 

Remington wipes his eyes. "You never cared, did you? You just liked what it felt like to have someone love you again. Well guess what? You don't deserve to be loved." 

"Oh, for fuck's sake!" Andy yells, frustrated. "This is all you do! One minute, you're terrified of me leaving, and the next, you're firing all these ridiculous, horrible insults at me out of fear. I can see right through you." 

"Shut up! Stop acting like you know everything about me! You don't! You know nothing about me!" 

"I know that you're only shouting at me right now because if you weren't shouting, you'd be sobbing," the elder responds. There's a strange kindness to his tone. "And I know that losing your brothers has made you terrified of being abandoned, because now that they're not here for you, who will be? And I know that you love me because I've lost someone too, and that it makes you feel less alone, because at least you're not the only one with emptiness inside. But that isn't enough. It just isn't. I think you just love the perfect version of me. The one in your head. The one who will always be there when you need someone, who will drop everything and come running at the first sign of danger. But that's not me. That's not the person I am, and you need to accept that." 

Remington has begun playing with his rings. 

"I don't know what else I'm supposed to say. We're toxic, we need to stop. I'll see you in the studio in a month." 

"Andy, please..."

"Just go, Remington." 

"I can't...I can't be alone," the younger mumbles, and, as Andy had predicted, feels himself welling up. 

"You're gonna me fine. I'm sorry." 

"No...I..." He looks at his hands. They seem to be shaking. "All people do is leave. All my life, they just...leave. My parents and my exes and my-my brothers. Now-now you. They all leave, Andy. Why do they all...why does everyone always...what am I doing wrong?" He puts both his hands in his hair. "What am I doing wrong?" 

"You need to calm down, you're gonna give yourself a panic attack." 

Remington looks at him like he's a murderer. "Fuck you," he spits. Then he repeats it while kicking the door frame. Then again, louder, over and over, kicking and punching at the wall until Andy grabs him and holds him tight, restricts his arms. By now, tears are heavy and frequent. He fights against Andy, short of breath, repeating the words so many times that they no longer sound like words. 

Andy wrestles with him, grips his wrists to keep him from hurting either of them, eventually bringing him into his arms once he's stopped fighting, but Remington shoves him away and heads for the door. 

"Fuck you!" He shouts.  

"At least stay until you've calmed down," Andy tries, but the door slams before he finishes speaking, and he sits against it with his head in his hands for a long time.