Coffee Shop | Elizabeth Olsen

70: Healing

Thanksgiving, Christmas and New years were spent alone with Lizzie as she grieved this terrible loss. She didn't want to be around people, she didn't want to see anyone, she didn't want to talk. She stayed home and hid from the world. She spent most of her time in the garden just sitting there not doing much of anything other than thinking I assume. Her eyes were always sad and she didn't smile, not even to try and fake it. I was around when she needed me but I tried to give her some space too, though I was worried about what that space would do because she spiralled so quickly sometimes and right now she was incredibly fragile. The other week she dropped a glass in the kitchen and it smashed and she burst into tears and was inconsolable for around an hour.

I've been going to work both modelling and photography, I've been attending Lizzie's meetings for her taking notes and briefing her when I got home. I visit with her family and take any phone calls she didn't feel up for. I've been going out with Scarlett and Rose just trying to keep up appearances as Lizzie's team put it so no one thinks anything is wrong. But I didn't understand why the world needed to have an opinion on this. Me going out without Lizzie every single day is surely worse than neither of us being seen? I'd only leave her for a few hours at a time scared if I left her any longer she'd completely disappear from the pain that was eating her alive.

Today after work I went into our bedroom and scooped her up out of bed. She couldn't keep this up, she had to try and look after herself. And if she wasn't willing to do it, it was my duty to help her do it. "What are you doing?" "We're going to get you showered," I say. "I don't want to." "You need to it's been four days, Liz." I say not listening to her protests "Nell please." She begged pushing her face into the crook of my neck. "You need to shower," I tell her kicking our bathroom door open so I could take her in. I sit her on the counter and turn the water on. She looked less than impressed. I unbuttoned her PJ shirt and slid it off. "Nell please." She continued to protest, this was for her own good. "I'm doing this because I love you," I tell her pecking her pout. "Shorts off," I tell her moving away to go test the water with my hand. I took my hoodie off so I was standing in my jeans and bra and nudged my head for her to come over. She sighed but come over to me slowly dragging her feet across the tile, I helped her in.

She steps under the water and her eyes close as her body relaxes. I pulled my socks off and step into the space avoiding the water the best I could. I brush through her dirty hair making sure the water gets onto every part. I wash her hair and body without her protest. I step out and dry off my upper body, my jeans a tiny bit wet but nothing too major. "Do you want to get out?" "No." She says looking at me. "Okay." I lent back in, to peck her cheek before leaving her to enjoy the relaxing shower. 

I then go into our room and strip our sheets taking them down to the utility room and putting them to wash. I empty the dishwasher and throw away any food that was out of date in the fridge. I go back upstairs and finish making the bed and freshen up the room, opening the curtains to let some daylight in it was only 3 o'clock at this point so there is more than enough time to let the daylight flood the room. I light a scented candle to make the place smell a little nicer, she had been held up in here for almost a week without leaving at all. I brought her food up so she'd at least eat something. But she never came down, not even to visit her garden this week. 

She came back into the room and squinted at the lighting change. "Thanks for making me shower." "You were stinky." I teased. "Do you want to do something tonight?" I asked "No." "You can't stay locked up in here forever," I say as we both leave the room for the walk-in so she can change. "I'm not ready yet." "I'm going to overstep," I warned her. "No, don't make me go out." She grabbed my wrist stopping my movements. "I'm going to because you've been in here for months now. It's not healthy. You don't have to go to work, you don't have to talk to anyone, just go outside with me, a short work to the park, we can get a tea from the stand by our bridge." "No, I don't want to." Her eyes were glazing over as she looked at me desperately begging me to stop without words. "I know but we're going to," I say handing her some clothes. "No." She sits on the vanity chair I dress her as she started shutting down at the thought of leaving the house. "Princess." "I don't want to." She whispered her bottom lip quivering. "Just a short walk." She shakes her head.