Coffee Shop | Elizabeth Olsen

71: Good News

Nell was at work today, she stayed home with me for two weeks and I really appreciated it. She has been amazing these past few months and helping me through this process. It has been difficult and I was scared that pushing Nell away would make her leave but she's been there when I've needed her even after I told her to leave and then five minutes later crying in her arms. She still talks to me she fills me in on her days without me having to ask. She never told me any bad parts though, always the funny parts, the sweet parts or the special moments in her day. She didn't tell me when she got frustrated, or sad or when a client was rude to her or when my team complained about me, she didn't tell me but I knew it all happened it's life it's never sunshine and rainbows but she told her days like it was. I think it was just her way of distracting me for 30 minutes from my own thoughts and a terrible day.   

I was feeling better, I felt more able to go out and actually do things and see people and I wanted to actually go to the award show and spend time with my friends but then I got the news about not being able to carry my own baby and I felt like my world shattered all over again. But Nell was there as always, she's always there holding my hand through the tough times and trying to make me smile and laugh. She took two weeks off work just to sit home with me, we'd go on walks around the park and we visited the coffee shop one or two times but mostly we stayed home in our room, she'd leave me to make us dinner or go on a call with her family, I still wasn't up for talking to them and I'm convinced that Annabella hates me for what I've put Nell through. I hate myself for what I've put Nell through. 

This morning she woke me up with Kisses and breakfast, she was already ready for work, she sat with me for a while I ate and she gave me a rundown of her day, she was really busy today between shoots for the twins and she had to take photos of the modelling agency she works with and she needed to go see the accountant too for the stores because her mum gets stressed with that so she does it for her. Once I finished eating she kissed me softly and got my meds out for me and opened my water. Something she had been doing every single day over the past few months to make sure I actually take them. "Don't look so concerned," I told her as I took the water from her. "I'll be okay, it's just a few hours." I could read her face she was afraid to leave me alone. "Ashley is going to bring you lunch." "Nell," I whined. "I love you." She smiled ignoring me, I didn't need babysitting. "I can stay home." "No, go to work, I'm sick of you." I teased pushing her away. "Call me if you need me." I nodded and smiled softly at her. "I mean it, Liz, anything even if you can't find something, call me." "I'm okay." I cupped her face stroking her cheek. "I'm okay." She chewed her lip I knew she was nervous to leave me alone I haven't been the sanest these past few months and she's not left me alone this long since everything came out, twos hours have pretty much been the maximum I've been left alone in the house. 

I did feel better, having her glued to my side the last two weeks silenced one of my worries of her not loving me anymore and gave me the energy to focus on grieving the loss of my baby, on processing what Robbie did to me. And the wedding being postponed we could have been happily married for months now and we're not. And we're not going to be married for a while because everything is wrong. "Go you'll be late," I tell her pushing away the bad thoughts long enough to convince her that I was okay, that I could manage to be alone today without her. She took a deep breath her lungs completely filling before she exhaled. "I'm okay. I'm feeling better." I assured her, getting out of bed despite really not wanting to. I stand facing her. "Go." I turn her to face the door. 

"At least pretend you'll miss me." She says as I pushed her out of our bedroom, we walked down the stairs together holding hands when we stood at the front door I could tell she didn't want to go she was holding my hand tighter than I was holding hers. "I'll be okay, I'll see you tonight at 6." She nodded. "I'll try and stop by between meetings." "Don't bother, just eat and take a breath." She smiled at me before pecking my lips. I stand holding the door open slightly waving at her as she stood by our car she climbed in and I stayed there waiting for her to pull off. I think she was convincing herself to go to work. When she pulled off I closed the door locked it and walked upstairs. I stopped on the third floor outside the closed door to the empty room that was meant to be the playroom and had my hand on the handle. Don't do this to yourself. I tell myself turning away from the door and jogging up the final flight of stairs. I go to our bedroom and closed the door. I smiled at the breakfast tray that was still sitting on the bed. She was adorable.