Chapter 22

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Jackson stayed at the hospital last night so I'm alone when I wake up

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Jackson stayed at the hospital last night so I'm alone when I wake up. It's been a week since the hospital was attacked, it's hard for any of us to speak about it. Jackson and I haven't spoken about anything but work since it happened. Even then only because we have too, I much prefer silence anyway.

I get out of bed and make myself toast. My phone buzzes. It's Derek.

How are you doing?

I lean on the counter, both hands gripping my phone and I send a reply.

Shouldn't I be asking you that? You're the one that got shot

I don't have to wait long for an answer.

Well I'm doing better. You're turn.

I sigh, putting my phone on the counter and finish making my breakfast. I pour a cup of coffee and sit on the bar stool. I puzzle over how to answer because physically I'm fine, I never got hurt during everting that happened but there is a part of me that wakes up and dreads going to work in the morning. Like today might be my last, that someone might choose to take me out of it without consulting me. I have nightmares, they get so bad I can wake up screaming in the middle of the night. That's part of the reason Jackson stays at the hospital.

I eat my breakfast, wash up my plate and things before getting in my car. I don't reply to Derek, I want to think about my answer more. Which one will get me into the OR quicker?

Traffic is slow, I wish I had left earlier. I should make it in time though. On the way to work my phone rings, it's connected to my car speakers so I accept the call.

"Hey." It's Jackson. I check my mirrors, turning a corner "hey." I reply. It lapses into awkward silence, it's like we don't know how to talk anymore. Even though we are the same people we were a week ago, something has shifted and I don't think we can shift it back. He clears his throat down the phone and asks "what time does your shift start?" I drum my fingers on the wheel, still stuck in traffic "in about 20 minutes, there is traffic so I might be late. Could you tell Arizona to put someone on my service I don't care who."

Another pause, "yeah sure, see you later." The line cuts off before I can say goodbye.


I have my meeting with my Therapist and he clears me for surgery. I rush up Mark, the biggest fake smile on my face "I've been cleared." I say and he smiles for real. Everyone is standing in the main hall ready for an announcement "that's great Andy! Seriously!." I smile for real. Alex comes over to us, a furrow in his brow "have any of you seen Lexie?" I shake my head letting my eyes land on the floor "no we haven't." Mark says and he moves along.

I sigh in relief and look up at him "thank you." I say, Mark folds his arms "when are you going to break up with Avery?" I bite the inside of my cheek. I rock back and forth on my heels and answer "I don't know, he deserves it. I mean he deserves someone who will actually feel as intensely but I just don't know. I don't want to hurt him." The plastic surgeon nudges my shoulder with his arm "you need to do it soon or you'll hurt him more."

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