Lost

Chapter 41

I stared into the forest, I could feel that someone’s gaze was on me and I was trying to ignore it. At least it was partially distracting me from my throbbing arm and eye, or eye socket I guess. I wish Techno didn’t go after my memory book, Philza seemed pretty upset about it. They’re probably mad at me. Today sucks, first Tubbo and I got hit with a tree, then I lose my eye, and to top it all off I’m pretty sure Philza and Wilbur hate me.

I really want to cry right now but I don’t want to mess up the bandages on my face. Maybe I should apologize to Philza. It might make them less mad at me, but it also just might annoy them. Why is talking to people so hard, and why do they always get mad at me? What did I do to deserve this, I didn’t ask Techno to go out there?

“So, Ranboo,” The way Philza said my name made me flinch, “Why are those books important enough for Techno to be willing to risk going out there to look for them?”

“I don’t know,” I muttered.

“You don’t know? There has to be a reason he was willing to go out there. What makes them so special?” Philza sounded less aggressive than he did when he was talking to Techno but I’d prefer if he didn’t talk to me at all.

“Only one of them is actually important,” I finally let out, voice still quiet. I wanted to shrink back into a small ball and die.

“What is so important about it then?”

“I write down everything that happens to me in it,” I mumbled, pausing for a moment before continuing, “It’s a journal.”

“So Technoblade’s just going after your diary then?” Philza scoffed.

“I mean, I guess, but I wouldn’t call it a diary,” I defended.

“What would you call it then?” Philza asked, the smile obvious in his voice.

I brought up my knees and rested my chin on them, “I don’t know, a memory book or log maybe.”

“Okay, how long have you even known Techno, he doesn’t usually go after people's things like this unless they’re really important, and I’m not sure if a memory book would cut it,”

“I don’t know,” I mumbled

“What do you mean you don’t know? Give me a rough estimate of the time at the very least,“ They demanded.

“I can’t.”

“Why can’t you?”

“Do I have to tell you that?” I was practically whispering at this point.

“I- Tubbo sit back down,” I glanced over a Philza when they said this. They looked back over at me and I started staring into the forest again. “I would prefer it if you did, but I can’t force you.

I buried my face into my knees and let out a long sigh, “I have really bad memory issues,” I uttered under my breath with a shaky voice. I could feel the tears that started to well up at the corners of my eye.

“Oh,” Philza breathed, “I-... How bad is really bad?”

“I don’t know when my birthday is and I’m not even sure if my name is Ranboo,” I stated as I tried to hide further into myself and escape this situation. I hoped the others behind me didn’t hear me, especially not Tubbo.

“Wow, okay, yeah, I guess that makes sense,” Philza stuttered, “I’m sorry, if I had known I wouldn’t have pushed you for answers so hard.”

“It’s fine,” It’s really not, I just want to stop talking before you get mad at me again.

“Okay then, but if there's anything I can do to make this up to you just tell me,” They tried to place a comforting hand on my shoulder; it wasn’t very comforting. It made me tense up and squeeze my legs tighter.