A Court of Love and Healing {ACOTAR}

A State of Utter Disbelief

Elain raises her chin to look Lucien in the eye. Not as a challenge but as if she really wants to see him. "I am not a nobody to you, because your biology has some sort of stake on me, Lucien Vanserra."

Lucien couldn't help the shudder that ran through him as Elain said his full name for the first time, and he lets her see it. "You forget, Elain Archeron, that your new biology also has some sort of stake on me."

She swallows hard and sets her jaw, attempting to look as cold and steely as Nesta; while she can when provoked, she certainly does not look so now.

"Also, that is not the reason you aren't a nobody. Because despite your powers, your longevity, or your fae-ness, you are still a strong, able-bodied female who is capable of making her own decisions and choices, and who will get to have the type of life she has always dreamed if only she could let go of the past and take the leap. Nobody is rushing you, and I wholeheartedly understand the loss of a love. I know how difficult it is to heal from that. I know sometimes it never heals, it just...gets locked away inside."

Elain bites on her lower lip silently before prying. "You lost someone?"

"Yes", Lucien says softly, all of the pain threatening to resurface. However, if seeing his pain helps Elain to know that she is not alone in how she feels, so be it. He would do that for his mate. To make her understand that his stake in her is not why he wants to help her.

"Who?", she questions tentatively, almost hesitant. "I-I mean...you don't have to tell me."

Taking a shaky breath, Lucien crosses one ankle over the other, a picture of elegance against the gray velvet. "As you know, I am originally from the Autumn Court. My...father...Beron...he's a cruel male. I was the youngest of seven sons, which meant I would never get the title of heir, so I used to be able to do whatever I wanted, unlike most of my brothers. Anyway...I fell for this female. Her name was Jesminda. She was a lesser fae from the smaller village in the Autumn Court. Being the son of the High Lord, I was still held to ridiculous standards, and despite the fact that she made me the happiest male alive, and made me laugh and smile and showed me what love was—", he chokes up slightly and clears his throat, a tight, painful smile coming across his face as his metal eye hums. "I asked her to marry me. She said yes with all the enthusiasm I expected from her. It didn't matter to me where she was from or what her genes said. All that mattered was that I loved her with every fiber of my being. I knew for a fact that our mate bond was going to snap into place at our wedding. I-I knew it was going to. But my father found out about my upcoming betrothal that I had been trying desperately to keep secret from him. One of my heinous brothers saw us together. I wasn't careful enough—"

Elain's expression looks pained and she inches toward the edge of her seat, looking like she wants to comfort him, but she restrains herself. "Did he—"

"Yes. My father found out from my brother and he had his guards kidnap her from her home at night to be tortured. The next day they tracked me down as I was looking for her at her home and dragged me to the Forest House courtyard. He had told the Court that I was a traitor to him and our family for even entertaining the idea of copulating with a lesser fae when I had High Lord genes in my blood."

Lucien's voice gets uneven and shaky. "Three of my older brothers found me. My father had Jes dragged out with a sack over her head and then revealed to me. Her strawberry hair was in tangles from being handled and her emerald eyes...I—I'll never forget the mixture of fear and love in her eyes when she looked at me. I was still young and I tried to fight my brothers. I tried to fight...so fucking hard to get to her. All I wanted was to get to her", he chokes up. "I fought them harder than I've ever fought and it wasn't enough. I wasn't strong enough to overpower three of them. She kept mouthing 'I love you, I love you' as they pinned me to the ground and grabbed my head by the hair...they forced me to watch a-as...", he trails off, tears filling his russet eye. "As my father's most sadistic guard took his favorite sword and beheaded her in front of me."

Elain's eyes are saucers as she listens, absolutely crushed for him, realizing for the first time that this male with fire in his blood, brightness in his eyes, and gold in his heart, has the same weakness as she. This male whom had always been the picture of perfect poise and restraint, of whom she has never seen waver from his wit and air of grace, could be turned into a puddle at the memory of his own loss, even centuries later. One, if she were being honest, was much more horrific than her own. One that made her heart pang with the guilt and sadness of how she had been treating him. This vibrant male who has never known love since it was stolen from him so long ago.

She can't help but think of how she would feel with centuries of this emptiness if two years have felt like an eternity. It's then she knows she does not want that for either of them. If it's anyone's choice, it's hers. To make things right.

For a moment, her thoughts wander to Azriel and the things she felt when being so close to him. Maybe it was the silent way he protected her, or the generous way he treated her, or even the way his presence felt familiar and comfortable. He was here. He was available. And he had wanted someone as much as she had in that moment before Rhys had stolen him away. Now she can't help but think that it was the right call, that it was good nothing transpired. Azriel was familiar, was known, was...safe. But that's what she always does. Poor little Elain playing it safe, making use of her looks, luring in the rich boys with dances and small smiles and forced giggles.

Poor little Elain who had used her beauty and charm to make Graysen fall for her, and then reveled in her prize when he had. But was it ever truly love? Is this emptiness she's feeling the loss of love? Or the loss of prospect for what remained of her human life? She had never felt for Graysen as deeply or as enormously as Lucien felt, will always feel, for Jesminda. So maybe it wasn't love after all. Maybe her love for Graysen was simply safety. Security. Prosperity. And poor little Elain had been trained to need that, to want that. But love is far more important. Love is something she rarely saw growing up in a home with a cold mother and traveling father.

It's then where she meets Lucien's gaze as he lifts it from his hands, seemingly humiliated by his tears which streak down his face. Elain moves from her seat and goes before him, lifting her thumb to brush the streams away from his golden caramel skin. Lucien looks at her in shock before more heartbreaking words come from his full lips.

"When you came out of the Cauldron, and I felt the mate bond snap into place, I didn't realize at first that I said it out loud, or that you heard. I was saying it to myself because...because if you're my mate and it happened that fast...", he sniffs. "...that meant that Jes most likely never was. And that broke me even more. I was in a state of utter disbelief."

Tears begin to drip down Elain's porcelain skin as she looks at this male...this male—her mate, in a whole new light, and she wishes she could have given him a chance to speak sooner. She was awful to him, much like everyone else in his life had been, and she was the one person who was supposed to make him feel anything but hated. Going by Feyre's bond with Rhys, and even Nesta's bond with Cassian, Lucien should have gone mad by now, but he never had. He had sat on the sidelines and waited. For her. Thinking she was worth that pained wait, even holding that whisper of pain in his heart for the woman--female-- he had once loved, for the chance of loving her as deeply. And she had brushed him off like dirt on her shoe as everyone else had.

But for the first time ever, she sees how magnificent he is, and how burdened, how broken, and despite that, he remained kind and respectful. Unbitter. How he found that strength, she could never know, and it only makes her keener on him now. Seeing him in a new light, she takes his hand and offers him one of her pretty smiles as she wipes her cheeks with her other sleeve.

"Thank you. For coming here, for telling me, for...waiting. For everything you have suffered only to end up fated to me. You are a gracious male, and I would like the pleasure of getting to know you and everything you have to offer, Lucien Vanserra."

At that, she could have sworn she heard his heartbeat quicken and the care in his eye turn to that of love.

They stare at each other in silence for a moment before they hear the creak of a floorboard. They both turn and Elain could have sworn she saw a plume of shadows dissipate into the air.

Azriel.