A Court of Love and Healing {ACOTAR}

Hurt People, Hurt People

"Lucien? Why, what did he do? Are you okay?"

Elain grits her teeth. "See, that right there. That's why I wanted to talk to you. Why would you automatically assume that he did something bad to me?"

Feyre sighs. "Elain, we have a lot more history, and—"

"No, I know. I get that. I know all about the history. I also know that you tried to seduce him to get back at Tamlin. I know that he tried to get to you to heal your arm Under the Mountain and blacked out thirty paces to your cell from the sheer pain and probably faebane poisoning too. I know about the time he did heal you, and about the time he nearly died with you in that pit with the levers. You told me about the good-ish times you had with him in Spring when you tried to convince me to get to know him. And I also know all about you destroying Spring and how he chose to flee with you because he wanted to be close to me. So tell me. If you two fled together, wouldn't it have been hard to winnow through another Court's border? Or even walk through without guards catching you? How can you still think the worst of him, when he has done nothing but be kind to you, Feyre? And if you still hate him, why would you want me to accept him as my mate?"

"That's what this is about? My back and forth with Lucien? Or how you're undecided about accepting him?"

"No. I have already accepted him, and I love and adore him. This is about you seeming to hold some grudge against him, when he has proven himself time and time again to you. I know you used to be friends, and I hate seeing the pain in his eyes when you dismiss him or put him down. Everyone else in his life has put him down, Feyre, everyone. You were a friend. I know there are things he isn't telling me because he doesn't want to cause a rift between us. But I know more than even he knows. These powers...they show me a lot more than I let on, and sometimes it's confusing and scary. But when I'm close to him, they don't seem as daunting, until I find myself in his memories, his nightmares, his thoughts of doubt. And it's unbearable. You may be able to choose whose mind to go into, but I don't get the choice. At least not with him, because we are connected. He's been through so much, Feyre", her voice breaks. "Too much. He's done too much for everyone, even when they don't know it. He's too humble to ever tell them, to tell you. I know that he misses being your friend, and though it's not the first thing on the huge list of things that haunt him, it's there. And as my mate, I-I want you two to be friends again. Even if he and Rhys will never get along, you are your own person. You don't have to hate him because Rhys does."

"Rhys doesn't hate him, Elain."

"No? Because there is a long list of things that he has done or said to Lucien that would claim otherwise, and not much in the opposite direction that would make me think he does. For fuck's sake, Rhys has threatened his mother, Feyre. A mother he loves dearly and is already abused by Beron. A mother that I will never get to meet until that monster dies. Another reason he deserved that slap."

Feyre leans against the wall and rubs her face. "It's complicated, okay?"

"No, it's not. The past may be the past, but pain can still lurk from it. Lucien is in pain all of the time, whether he hides it well or not. He's too good of a male to be carrying all of the blame for everything himself, but because he is so sweet, he does. Because he cares about every fucking person, except himself. I fucking hate that", she chokes out.

"I—Elain, things have happened...", her eyes widen a bit at her sister's cursing.

"Yes, they have. But you can be friends with Lucien, despite Rhys's opinion, just like Lucien can be friends with Tamlin, despite your opinion, or that he can be friends with you, despite his. He is constantly in the middle of conflict, being tugged in every direction. He is the perpetual rope in the game of tug of war. It's worn him down and affected him because he wants to make sure everyone he cares about is happy. So yes, he has had to make difficult decisions that he never wanted to make because he was put in the middle. Decisions that he knew would cost him friends. But there was no other choice but to be utterly complacent and watch you both destroy one another. So he had to choose one at a time. We both know that Tamlin is like a brother to him, and how long they have been chummy. But he chose to help you, Feyre. Over his home, that, may I add, he allowed you to destroy by staying silent about your mating tattoo and glamour."