A Court of Love and Healing {ACOTAR}

What Good Is Remorse When Forgiveness Won't Come?

Lucien enters the 'Exiles' Manor and grabs an apple from the table, munching on it. He sees that Jurian is nowhere to be found, and since it's daylight, Vassa wouldn't be around. Which means the strangled sobs must be coming from...Tamlin.

Swallowing his bite of apple, he breathes deeply to steel himself and walks down the long corridor towards the room they had turned into his. His golden-haired friend was on his knees on the ground, crying like a baby. Unrestricted. All of his pain pouring out into tears and broken wails.

Chewing on his lower lip, Lucien cautiously steps into the room, expecting a brash reaction. Tamlin absolutely despises anyone seeing him vulnerable. However, a reaction didn't come. His green eyes shift to Lucien's shoes, but he seems frozen in that position; forehead on his knees. His claws bite into the wood of the floor, but there is no sign of the beast underneath showing otherwise. Lucien notices that his hair is newly chopped and hanging an inch or two above his shoulders, the tangled and blood-encrusted mess that had been at the ends, completely gone.

If it bothers him that he's there, witnessing another breakdown, he doesn't show it. Swallowing hard, Lucien moves closer and slowly kneels next to him, a strong hand on Tamlin's shoulder. Words seem to escape him as he remains there, giving his friend silent comfort in his despair.

Many minutes pass until Tamlin seems to become unfrozen, shifting as his knees become sore from the hard flooring, and claws completely retracted. He quickly wipes his tear-stained face and sits back on the floor defeatedly, knees pulled up and hands planted behind him on the ground as he takes several deep breaths. Lucien watches him carefully, not saying a word. He knows that if Tamlin needs to talk, he will. And then he finally does.

"I lied to you."

Lucien furrows his brow, his mechanical eye humming slightly. "About?"

"Eating."

"Oh..."

"I haven't had any semblance of an appetite, so I forgot. No...that's a lie. I just...didn't eat."

"I told you it wouldn't be easy to come back from whatever hole you're in. It never is. But you can acknowledge that it wasn't good for you."

"That's the thing. It was good for me. It was the only thing that was good for me in a long time."

"What do you mean?"

His eyes soften dramatically and he stares off into the void, quiet for a beat. "I must have passed out or fallen asleep. I must be really weak. Because—I-I...", he swallows thickly, a telltale sign of a sob about to arise again. "I saw her again, Lucien."

Lucien looks at his friend in a state of confusion. "Saw who?"

This time Tamlin looks right at him. "Her."

It finally clicks and Lucien's eyes widen. "Tam, I don't know if that's—"

"It was real", he growls.

"Okay. So...what happened?"

"I didn't know I had passed out, it was real, it was so real", he muses over and over. "She was there, right in front of me, right in this room. She was so beautiful and healthy and—and perfect. She was here. For me."

Lucien can't help but feel a heaviness in his heart. For all the times he had been close to death or weak, he had never gotten to see Jesminda again. Maybe she hadn't wanted to appear to him. Maybe she was at peace, though.

"You needed the closure. I'm glad you received it. I hope she told you that you weren't responsible..."

"She tried to, but that guilt is never going to vanish, Lucien. You know as well as anyone else it resides within you always."