CAKE

Forty-One

Kathryn

Today was finally the day. 

Feeling my tears, I let in a shaky breath to try to stop myself from crying. I didn't want to ruin my makeup, and I knew if I did start crying, Casey might too and she probably wouldn't be able to stop. 2 funerals in one month. 

I glance at myself in the mirror. I don't want to go to another funeral. The memories of my daughter's funeral resurface in my mind and I can't help but let out a breath. My hands grip the counter and my knuckles turn white. I force myself to stop breathing for a few seconds trying not to cry but I fail miserably.

Bending over, I keep my head down as I sob softly, not wanting my fiance to hear me. I'm not ready to bury him. I'm not ready to say goodbye. Knocking on the door startles me and I quickly wipe my face. "Yeah," I mutter softly, "I'll be out in a minute." I turn on the water to wipe my face but I drop to my knees, my hands still on the counter.

I don't want to do this again. "God please, I don't want to do this again," I cry softly. "I can't do this again."

It takes me a few minutes longer to get myself together before I can get out of the restroom. I find Casey dressed in black slacks and a matching button-down. She eyes me before standing up and approaching me. My eyes follow her in confusion. The woman pulls me into a hug, her arms squeezing me tight. "I love you," she whispers in my ear.

Smiling softly, I wrap my arms around her as well, "I love you too."

"I'm gonna head out now, Em should be on the way." 

I nod my head and release her from my hold. I didn't want her to leave but I understood that right now Lillie and Cassandra need her the most. I was far from ready and I didn't want to hold her. 

"Be careful, I'll see you at the service." Casey eyes me before averting her gaze and nodding her head. She pecks my lips before leaving the apartment and leaving me with my heartbreaking thoughts. Emily doesn't arrive too much after Casey leaves, giving me adequate time to be ready.

Emily, Sophia, and I arrive at the church before the rest of our friends. Most of the people here were Christian's church family and some of his friends. As far as his family goes, only Lillie and his daughters remain. He never had siblings and his parents died when he was much younger. We make our way inside and out of the Houston heat, speaking to a few members of the church. 

I take a seat near the front. Knowing Lillie, she'll want to sit up here. Emily takes a seat beside me and her wife occupies the one beside her. 

I let out a breath as I feel the blonde place her warm fingers on my thigh, grabbing my attention away from the open casket. "Do you want to go up there?" she questions. Inhaling I nod my head but I don't move. That's Christian in that casket. Exhaling a shaky breath, I glance at Emily, aware that I couldn't hold in any of my tears.

She clenches her jaw, nodding her head. Handing her phone over to Sophia, she stands and holds her hand out. I take it and allow her to help me out of my seat. We make our way to Christian's casket and I can't keep my sobs silent. I lose the strength to stand. Emily is quick to wrap her arms around me as support.

An usher makes his way over to us, handing me a box of tissue. I grab it from him and thank him as I use one to dry my tears. As we walk back to our seats, I notice Sophia crying as well as she tried to be subtle. I quickly avert my gaze, noticing several people crying. Today is such a sad day. 

We take our seats and wait for the service to begin. I watch several people make their way to Christian's casket, and plenty are in tears as they make their way back to their seats. It nears the time for the service to begin. My head snaps to my right as I watch Lillie, Cassandra, Cassie, and Edwin make their way toward us.