CAKE

On Hundred Forty-Three

Kathryn 

Despite the smile on my face, I couldn't focus on anything other than the mess going on in my head. Mateo admitted to cheating and I still didn't know if we had ended our relationship that night or not. He left so abruptly that I didn't get the chance to say things were over. I wanted to sit down with him and discuss how we'd co-parent Antonio now that we weren't a couple but... 

"Ryn."

I blink and allow my gaze to land on the brown-skinned woman making her way over to me. Mallory sat on the other couch with Cassie beside her as she held Antonio in her lap. "You're here but you're not," Casey mutters as she sits beside me.

I offer a small smile as I nod my head. "Yeah... I've got a lot going on right now with Mateo..." I pause, realizing what I was doing. I eye the brown-skinned woman beside me before sighing in defeat. "Nothing, never mind," I shake my head.

Casey frowns, "What is it? Do you need to talk?"

I press my lips together as I eye the woman sadly. "I need something. I'm tired, Casey. I'm so tired. Mentally and emotionally. I just..." I let out a breath as I leaned back in my seat. "I've been so numb for months, now. I think putting a smile on my face and pretending I'm ok or pretending I know what I'm doing makes everything okay," I sigh.

My gaze meets hers, "But it doesn't, Casey. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't know who I am anymore. I've just... I'm not..." I pause and look at Antonio.

The sight of the child places a smile on my face. "The only thing that reminds me that I need to keep going, is Antonio. He needs a mom, he needs me. In a way having him wasn't entirely a dumb decision. He reminds me that I need to keep living. I hurt so much and I want to stop hurting but... everything hits me left and right and I'm blindsided and left trying to figure it all out on my own. I just... I want the world to stop moving for a second so I can catch my breath and try again," I voice, allowing my tears to shed.

The younger brown-skinned woman eyes me sadly. I notice her hands move to wipe my tears but I beat her to it as I wipe my face. "What... what happened?" she questions, genuinely curious. 

I purse my lips as I sniff and wipe my nose. "Nothing, Casey."

"Bullshit. What happened, Kathryn?"

"Nothing important."

Casey groans deeply, "Like hell it isn't! You're crying, Ryn. This is the second time in the past month I've seen you like this. Stop thinking you have to bear things on your own. You're hurting deeply and I can't help you if you don't let me."

I clench my jaw and glance up to give my attention to my son. It's not like telling her would make me feel better. I've told Emily, Linda, my therapist. I feel like I've told the world and yet the weight on my shoulders doesn't feel like it's lifting an inch. 

"Mateo cheated," I mutter before glancing at the woman beside me. She eyes me before her gaze slowly rises to the ceiling. As I had expected, telling her didn't make me feel any different than before. I felt worse. Like I just dumped all my problems on her, knowing I shouldn't. 

Letting out a breath, russet-brown eyes meet my gaze once more. "So... did you kick him out? Burn his clothes? Make him drink alcohol and not the good kind," she voices.

Eyeing the brown-skinned woman, I crack a smile. I was unsure if she was being serious or trying to make me forget I was sad. "No. After he blamed me for pushing him into her arms, he left. Is it crazy that I think we're still technically together despite having him confess that he was cheating?"