Dangers of a Saint || Ryeji

17

"It's impossible to forget so I'm assuming you can still remember the first time we met," Ryujin said, momentarily catching a glimpse of Yeji.

"The first time I experienced the Hulk's smash." Yeji chuckled, her eyes focused on the night sky.

Ryujin followed her gaze and tried to recall the constellations she once taught her. "It was actually my birthday that time. I was desperate to get out of that place because Jinni held a surprise for me and I have a particular resentment towards celebrating my birthday." She paused, turning to Yeji again and was rather surprised when she already saw her looking at her. "What did Chaeryeong tell you about Karina?"

Her best friend's name didn't taste bitter in her mouth anymore and she took it as a good sign.

"That she died on your birthday and you've been holding it against yourself ever since," Yeji said quietly.

Ryujin didn't know why but she liked how she didn't stutter and how Yeji casually talked about it without any trace of disrespect. It was like everything she did—effortlessly easy. It made Ryujin feel that it wasn't such a heavy subject to discuss with her and it urged her to move forward.

"And do you remember that time when I became so distant with you?" Ryujin asked.

Yeji laughed meekly. "I was so confused with you. I didn't understand why you were avoiding me all of a sudden as if I was the fucking plague. Then Ryeong warned me about your attachment issues. The next day you were like a completely different person again. I almost thought you had multiple personalities."

Ryujin finished her corn dog and wiped the sides of her mouth with a tissue pad before staring at the sky again. It was better if she didn't look at Yeji while she talked. She would only become a rambling mess if she did, more anxious about what the architect would think of her.

"My actions, they're not always reasonable," she continued slowly. "They're just as illogical as Peter Quill's, and I'm afraid that some of them might eventually lead you in a difficult situation."

"So you're a hypocrite?"

Ryujin's face scrunched up. "I am. Perhaps I don't like Peter Quill because I see pieces of myself that I hate in him." She paused and found the right words that would best explain herself in the winking stars beyond them, allowing her heart to do the talking for her. "I got scared that I might ruin you if you got too close to me. I had this idea in my head that you're merely a fragile thing that should be observed behind a glass, knowing that if I let my curiosity win and get close to your light, I would destroy you with my darkness the same way I did with her . . . if not the other way around."

Yeji was silent but Ryujin didn't feel any kind of weight from it. It was the type of silence that made her feel understood, that someone was listening.

"It all occured to me after the ball," Ryujin went on, reaching for a can of soda and popping it open single-handedly. "You make me feel so good about myself, about everything, and I keep thinking that I don't deserve any of it . . . over and over again."

"It's what Ryeong told me before," Yeji said, her low gentle voice sounding like a song in Ryujin's ears. "You have this tendency of ruining things for yourself because you fear that it isn't meant for you. You believe that you don't deserve a chance at genuine happiness because of what happened with Karina."

Yeji was the first person who mentioned Karina to Ryujin as if her name wasn't a slap to her face and for some reason, she was more comfortable with it. For the first time, it didn't feel like walking on eggshells talking about Karina.

"I don't know if she knew about my feelings for Karina."

"You were in love with her?"

The surprise in Yeji's tone made Ryujin look at her and in that split second, terror crept in her system from her spine, spreading throughout her body like a dreadful chill. She suddenly thought if Yeji would somehow see the alignments and get the idea that she fancied her. Ryujin was only able to hope that she wouldn't.