The Boss' Niece (Spencer Reid)

71. Self doubt

CASSIDY
Self doubt is simply when someone has a lack of confidence in oneself and one's abilities.

Everyone has had self doubt at some point in their life, sometimes more so than others. As for me, I used to self doubt a lot as a child and even as a teen. It didn't happen a lot when I was in my early 20's, and it even slowly faded as I started my career within the BAU, but, ever since I became pregnant, my self doubt became worse.

I was currently 8 weeks into my pregnancy, which meant I was at month 2 of 9. I was 2 months away from entering my second trimester.

Nothing had changed. The nausea was the same, my cravings weren't as bad. The only true difference between week 2 and week 8 was the fact that I was now showing. Mind you, I had a small bump that from afar looked like I was just bloated, but it was truly a baby bump and I couldn't've been more happy.

Although, my self doubt started up and it mainly attacked when I was sleep.

"You're late." Spencer stood up from his chair at the table, watching as I walked in the front door.

"I'm so sorry, Spencer! I was going to be home hours ago, but then Hotch gave me more paperwork and I tried to get it all done but-" I tried to explain, but Spencer shook his head.

"I don't care that Hotch gave you extra paperwork. I care that you were late and didn't give me any warning." Spencer growled.

He had been home hours before me, mainly because he does his paperwork in his spare time during cases, meaning he usually has more free time when we're not at work.

"I'm sorry Spencer. Let me make it up to you. I'll do the dishes tonight and tomorrow." I smiled.

"No. No, you won't. You're not making it up to me. You have a son and a daughter who begged me to stay up so they could say goodnight to you. What time is it, Cassidy?" Spencer asked, now extremely pissed off.

"It's 11:15 PM." I exhaled.

"Exactly. It's 4 hours after their bedtime and 6 hours after you were supposed to be home from work." Spencer rolled his eyes.

"Like I said, I'm sorry. Next time I'll try to be home when I say I will, and if not, I'll call." I nodded.

"There shouldn't be a next time, Cassidy." Spencer scoffed before walking off, leaving me alone in the kitchen.

My eyes shot open, my heart racing. The room was pitch black, no light around whatsoever. That was my third nightmare in 7 hours. Each nightmare was different, but the theme was the same. I had done something that disappointed my future child, Spencer or someone on the team.

It was 3 AM, and I was certain that sooner or later, Emily was going to call the team in for another case. As much as I knew I needed sleep, I couldn't seem to shut off my brain, no matter how hard I tried. Every time I closed my eyes, my brain wouldn't allow me to rest, so eventually, after a moment or two, my eyes would be open again.

As predicted, my phone buzzed, and as I guessed it was Emily, informing us about a case.

"Spencer, honey. Emily wants us at work. We have a case." I turned over to Spencer's side of the bed, nudging him enough for him to wake up.

"10 more minutes. Please." Spencer begged, throwing his pillow over his head.

"No. Up. Now. We don't want to be late." I removed the pillow from Spencer's head, rolling my eyes.

Before I could get up, Spencer's lips were on my stomach.

"Good morning, my baby genius." He smiled, rubbing my slight baby bump.

"And good morning to you, my love." He kissed me before getting up and dressed.

By 3:45 AM, both Spencer and I were in the car, heading to work with our go bags at the ready. Neither of us had any clue as to what the case might be about, but because of the early wakeup call, we knew that it was important. At 4 AM, we were walking into the BAU office, seeing Emily, JJ, Derek, Penelope, Matt and Tara waiting for us.

"Let's get started." Emily exhaled as Spencer and I sat down at the conference room table, ready for the case.

Once Penelope had finished briefing us, we all stood up, ready to get on the jet.

"Cassidy, a word please?" Emily requested as everyone walked out of the conference room.

I stayed behind, Spencer following the rest of the team.

"Is everything okay?" I asked, concerned.

"Yes, everything is fine. But, as we are both aware, you and Spencer have a baby on the way. Now, I am more than happy for you to continue working with us on the field, but I have 2 requests." Emily explained.

"Okay. Go ahead." I nodded, having a vague idea as to where Emily would've been going with her request.

"Request 1, is that when you reach the second trimester, your field work becomes limited. You will still travel with us for cases, but you won't be doing any actual field work. You'll be staying close to the police departments." Emily started.

"Yeah. I understand. I'm pretty sure Spencer would want the same thing." I laughed.

"Request 2, is that when you reach the third trimester, you won't be working in the field. You'll be working from here, with Penelope. I don't want to risk your safety or the safety of your baby." Emily nodded, hoping that I understood, which I did.

"Yeah. I get that." I nodded, smiling.

"Does Hotch know?" Emily asked.

"Oh, yeah. He does. Spencer and I told him a week after we found out." I smiled.

"Also, have you been getting much sleep? You look a little bit tired, which isn't good, considering you'll need as much sleep as possible before the baby comes." Emily put her hand on my shoulder, a concerned look on her face.

"As much as I would love to sleep, every time I close my eyes, I'm met with a nightmare. Either it's about me disappointing my future child, disappointing Spencer or disappointing the team. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to shake the self doubt that is making my anxiety worse." I shrugged my shoulders, exhaling.

"Hey, if you need a break for any reason, just let me know and I'll be happy to cover for you. Your health and the baby's health comes first." Emily smile, giving me a comforting hug.