Wanda/Elizabeth One-Shots

How is he still alive? (W.M)

The Avengers were all gathered around the table enjoying lunch together when Scott Lang suddenly voiced the question that had clearly been on everyone's minds.

"Okay, does anyone else think it's kind of crazy how Ethan keeps cheating death on like, every mission?"

The group paused, glancing around at each other. Tony finally broke the silence with a snort.

"Yeah, that's just Ethan. My son has more lives than a cat thanks to his healing abilities," he chuckled, taking a bite of his sandwich.

"Not to mention he's too dumb to actually die properly," Sam Wilson added wryly.

Scott shook his head in disbelief. "Seriously though, some of the insane scrapes that kid has walked away from...he should not still be breathing!"

The others murmured in agreement. Ethan's mortality-defying antics were legendary amongst the Avengers ranks. Wanda noticed Scott looking at her eagerly for stories. She sighed, but smiled.

"Alright, I've got a good one," she relented. "Remember the mission in Sokovia last year? With the massive warship?"

Her teammates groaned and laughed. "Oh man, that mess," Steve said, clearly bracing himself.

Wanda grimaced at the memory. "So the city is under heavy fire, buildings crumbling everywhere. We get separated trying to evacuate civilians. And Ethan..." She trailed off, rubbing her temples.

"Ethan totally spaced and didn't activate his shield generator like the rest of us," Natasha finished for her. More groans all around.

"Of course he didn't," Bruce said, shaking his head. "Not like Tony only reminds him every mission..."

"Every damn time!" Tony exclaimed, throwing his hands up. "What's the one thing I tell him before he flies off? 'Turn on your shield device!' And what does he do? Forget instantly!"

"In my defense, there were a lot of explosions happening," came Ethan's voice as he ambled into the kitchen. "Sup guys, what'd I miss?"

"We're retelling the story of how you should have died a horrific fiery death in Sokovia," Sam informed him bluntly.

Ethan's eyes lit up. "Ooh my favorite mission! Man, that was a wild ride." He grabbed a bag of chips and sat down eagerly.

Wanda shot him a look but continued her story. "So after Ethan pulled his little vanishing act, suddenly we see on the radar that a massive nuke is incoming, seconds to impact."

The group leaned in intently as Wanda described the mad scramble to shield the city, everyone panicking because Ethan was unaccounted for and completely exposed without protection.

"And through all this, I'm freaking out because I know if this warhead hits, Ethan is dead for sure," Wanda said. "We brace for impact. The explosion just decimates a five block radius instantaneously."

Scott's mouth was hanging open. "There's just no way he could have survived that. Did you find his body or...?"

Wanda smirked. "Well, that's the thing. When me and Tony go desperately searching the blast radius, there's no sign of him. I'm sobbing, totally distraught. We all figure there's just nothing left."

"And then this dumbass just comes crawling out of the crater," Tony finished, jabbing a thumb at Ethan.

"Turns out I fell in this big hole right before the nuke hit, and it somehow protected me!" Ethan explained cheerfully through a mouthful of chips.

The table erupted into laughter at the sheer ridiculous improbability. Scott just gaped, looking back and forth between Ethan and the chuckling Avengers.

"You've got be kidding me. He literally just lucked into the one spot that avoided atomization?" Scott exclaimed.

Ethan shrugged. "What can I say, I have a real gift for finding cover in unlikely places."

Wanda just looked at him fondly. "Only you could trip into the perfect accidental blast bunker at the exact right moment, my love." She kissed his cheek, unable to stay mad at him.

"We call it the Ethan Effect around here," Bruce explained to a baffled Scott. "Somehow he always stumbles into these freak occurrences that would kill anyone else."

"Hey, anything that lets me keep taking the hits so you all don't have to," Ethan said sincerely. They all smiled and shook their heads. His heart was always in the right place, at least.

The conversation devolved into everyone swapping their favorite "How is Ethan not dead?" stories as they finished lunch, laughing hysterically recalling all the ridiculous near-death misses over the years.

"...and then he just walks out of the raging inferno two minutes later, suit barely even singed, asking what he missed!" Steve finishes, wiping tears from his eyes.

Scott just sits there stupefied. "You Avengers are a bunch of crazy weirdos," he mutters finally.

"Yeah, but I'm your favorite weirdo!" Ethan laughs, slinging an arm around Scott and ruffling his hair affectionately. Scott can't help but chuckle too.

In the end, Scott had to admit Ethan's dimwit luck was certainly entertaining. And it did seem to come in handy keeping the kid alive through battles that would flatten anyone else. He really was one of a kind.

"To Ethan, for continuing to baffle science and logic!" Tony declared, raising his glass. "May your death-defying streak live on."

"I'll drink to that!" Ethan proclaimed happily, clinking his soda can. Wanda just wrapped her arm around him contentedly.

She knew Ethan was here to stay thanks to his own unique brand of dumb genius. And she wouldn't have him any other way.