Dammit I am not in love with you!!!!

Pre Wedding Jitters

The bridesmaids or as I like to call them the squad left me and Ruby alone for some time to get dressed. Ruby was on the phone with my dad.

I was gazing towards the wonderful sea and wondering about what my life was going to throw at me. I don't trust my fate and knowing the gods, they could probably play a huge cosmic joke on me anytime. I could end up getting married to Ronald. What was I going to do? Maybe I should pull my own runaway bride moment. The apple doesn't fall from the tree. And Alex would understand.

I love him. I don't know when it happened but he crawled his way into my heart. But I also know that bring with me could probably bring him into harm's way. The Russian mafia has a hit on him. And what guarantee is it that our marriage would ensure that Ronald and company will let it go.

He deserves someone who brings him happiness and not misery and misfortune like me. But I don't know if I have the strength to let go of him. How am I going to escape him and that too on our wedding day? How will I say no to him on the altar? I didn't know but I had started crying and there were tears rolling down my eyes.

"Livvy why are you crying? What's wrong? "

I wanted to lie to her but looking into her concerned eyes, I just couldn't. I couldn't hide it.

" I think I am making a big mistake marrying Alex. "

" Why? Don't you love him? "

" No I do love him. Honestly I do but..... "

" You think it's too soon? "

" No. I think I am wrong for him. I'll bring him nothing but worry and scores of trouble. He doesn't deserve that. "

" Baby girl why do you think so? You're not trouble. You're a beautiful and lovely girl. He is lucky to have you. "

" No he's not. You know my mother and Ronald. They aren't going to let this go even if I get married. What if they kill him? He is already into so much trouble because of me. What if he lands into a bigger one. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if something happens to him. Isn't it better to leave him and go away where my problems can't touch him? "

" Honey you are not alone in this. You have your family. Your dad, your grandparents and all your friends are supporting you and Alex. Do you really think we'll let anything happen to him? You don't believe me? It's true. We all know what to expect and we are prepared. You can't lose your courage now. Do you want regrets? Because you will regret losing your first love to cowardness. Have faith and don't break down so easily. We have your back. "

" But what if... "

" Livvy life is too short to think upon what ifs and what not. Okay I know just the guy to bring up your spirits. "

***

" Where's the bride of the hour? There you are! " Adrian stepped into our room as no with Seamus." We heard someone needed cheering up. "

" Yes she does. She's planning on backing out of the wedding. "

" What? Are you insane? Do you want Alex to lose his shit? "

" Adrian careful! She's scared! " Seamus cautioned.

" Scared of what? Doesn't she love him? Doesn't she want to marry him? "

" Adrian she does want all that. These are not the usual pre Wedding jitters. She's scared for Alex. She's worried about him. "

" Oh I see it now. "

Seamus and Adrian walked over to where I was sitting with tissues in my hand. They both hunkered down on the sides of the couch where I was sitting.

" I never did figure you for a coward Lavinia. But I guess you are. You're backing out of the wedding because you think something bad is going to happen to Alex in case he marries you. Isn't that correct? " Adrian asked. When I nodded silently, he tsked." Foolish girl! How do you know something won't happen to him even if this wedding didn't take place? Trust me this is not the first threat against him. His life is constantly endangered because of his work and he knows how to handle it. But if you back out I can't guarantee he won't be reckless and endanger his life. "

" Look Lavinia we understand your fear but if you give into it, they've won the battle and you'll lose the most precious thing you have. Are you prepared for it then? Are you ready to accept the consequences of your sacrifice? "

" I don't want to lose him. "

" You will if you do what you're thinking of. Today is the day that you both should be reunited and your bond strengthened. And you're thinking of breaking it because you fear for him. I am not saying it's wrong. Fear is good. It makes you cautious. But it also makes you weak. Don't give in to weakness. You have so many people working to ensure your happiness. Don't let it all go in vain. You are a strong girl. You and Alex have a wonderful life ahead. Don't give up on it. The problem with Love is that it makes you strong and weak at the same time. "

" Adrian is right. " Seamus said." Trust us to handle the troubles and just concentrate on the love you have for Alex. We promise it will all be fine. Nothing will happen. We have everything under control. Think you can do that? "

I love Alex and I know he's the one for me. They're right. I have no idea what the future holds and it's stupid and pointless to think about it. I can't let go of the best thing in my life because of fear. I have to be strong.

" Here take some deep breaths slowly. Now repeat after me- I will not worry and concentrate on having fun at my own wedding! Come on say it! "

" Okay Adrian! " I took several deep breaths to clear my mind. When I was calm, I looked up to them and repeated the words." I will not worry and have fun at my Wedding! "

" So you're cool now? "

" Yeah thank you! Both of you for showing me the right way. I will be forever thankful to you for rescuing me from my own foolishness. "

" It's our pleasure. Now we're gonna send you lovely ladies some champagne. Enjoy and we'll see you at the altar in 45 minutes. And remember don't worry! Trust us to handle it all. "

" Okay thank you once again. "

They both kissed my hand and then bowed. Then they repeated the process with Ruby and left the room. Few minutes later, the girls arrived with champagne and glasses and we toasted to our friendship and the upcoming nuptials.

I don't know why I was being such a negative ninny for no reason. I have an awesome squad and family and an equally amazing man who loves me. I'll ge through this phase of my life. I am ready. Let's see what curveball comes at me and mine. Nothing is going to stop me from getting married today.