Cage The Princess (A Punk Harry Styles Fanfic)

27. I Don't Want To Live Without You

*two months later*



I'm tired. I'm stressed out. One more month and I can see Harry. We've both tried getting off days but we just couldn't make a day work. We've kept our promise calling each night and texting throughout the day when we can. Even if it's a simple "hey hope you're doing well. Concert tonight. Miss you." Just to let the other know that they're always on our minds. I haven't cut since my weekend with Harry. I talked to Caleb about it and he was upset that I had started again but he was supportive. I finally threw out all of my blades feel triumphant.



*flashback 1 month earlier*



I'm feeling low and worthless. People think just because they think I've stopped cutting that I'm better. That I'm magically fixed. I take my blades out and start crying until I hear my phone go off.



"Hello?" I answer shakily trying not to reveal that I'm crying.



"Hey, beautiful." My boyfriend greets.



"Harry." My face instantly smiles.



"I know you're crying so spill." He says in a caring tone.



I stay silent for a little while before breaking down.



"Hey shhh it's okay. I'm right here. Hey I'll Face Time alright?"



I reply with a weakly "yes." We hang up and not even 5 seconds later I'm face timing him. I tell him everything that's been bothering me. Not getting sleep, countless hours of practice, not seeing him, exhaustion from being sleep deprived but forced to continue working my heart out, the fans and always trying to please them, his fans also trying to please them.



"I don't blame your fans. They want what's best for you and I'm not it." I weakly tell him.



"You are what's best for me. No one else in this world matters to me as much as you do." I see him reach out but stopping realizing that he can't wipe my tears or calmly caressing my cheek the way that he does.



"Where are your blades?" He asks sternly.



I quickly look down, ashamed. "In my lap." I whisper.



"Throw them away."



I snap my head back up to him. "What?" I say anger filling my bones. "I can't. They're apart of me."



"No they aren't. They're holding you back like a weight. You know when you described to me about your arrow tattoo on your hand?"



I nod. I told him the reason and what Caleb had said to me that day.



"Your blades are stopping you from being shot forward. They're a weight holding you back."



I start crying and hug my phone to my chest. All I want is to hug Harry right now. To feel his arms around me and feel his curls against my cheek as he hold me protecting me from the outside world and protecting me from myself. I pull my phone back to face me and I notice the concerned look on Harry's face.



"Okay." I tell him.



"Okay?" He asks.



"I'll throw them away right now. I stand up grabbing my little box with my blades and throw them in the trash flipping the camera so he can see.



"Good job baby." He smiles at me before his face turns serious. "Now go to Caleb and let him hug you, okay?"



"You're okay with that?" I'm not stupid. I know Harry is incredibly jealous of Caleb being here for me where Harry can't and being my best friend. Also doesn't help with fans 'shipping is together' but I only have eyes for Harry.



"Yes, baby. He can be there when I can't. Call me before your concert tonight."



"Bye, Harry." I blow him a kiss and he blows one back.



"Bye baby." Harry says before ending the call. I haven't called him any cute names besides Hazza. I want to but I'm awkward and we'd probably both end up laughing. I sigh and walk to Caleb's bunk crawling in and Caleb's arms wrapping around me.



"I threw my blades away." I whisper to him.



"Really?" His voice filled with joy.



"Harry talked me into it."



"He's good for you, you know?"



"Yeah I know. He's protecting me from my darkness." I tighten my grip on Caleb and he kisses my forehead.



"Good. I'm glad my best friend has a protector and admits that she needs a protector."



"First step in healing right?"



Caleb nods and we both drift into sleep.



*end of flashback*



Another concert tonight and it's in Colorado which I'm super excited for. I love Colorado. We're getting ready to preform getting ourselves pumped up. I just got off the phone with Harry and he always makes me 10 times happier.



Show time.



Let's just say we killed it. Well the first half. We take a break and run backstage getting water and rehydrating. I hand my guitar to Frank the guitar technician to restring it because two of my strings broke. I walk into where the couches are and I freeze once I spot a tall curled haired boy standing up from his spot on the couch.



He comes over enveloping me in a hug which I return gladly jumping up wrapping my legs around his waist.



Words are not needed for our reunion but we pull back and I look him in the eyes. "Well this is a surprise."



Harry nods and leans in to kiss me but I meet him halfway putting all that I can into the kiss.



We break the kiss and I rest my forehead against him and wrap my arms around his neck pulling him closer if possible. "I've missed you."



"Skype calls aren't enough?" He jokes knowing it very well isn't.



"Nothing compared to the real thing." I softly kiss his lips again.



"We have a concert in LA tomorrow and I heard that you have two days before you have to be in LA so I took the opportunity."



A smile breaks across my face and we're interrupted by Frank and Caleb standing awkwardly by the door. Well just awkward for me, I mean my legs are wrapped around my boyfriend's waist as we were about to kiss again. I jump down and grab Harry's hand.



"Hiiiii" Harry waves with his free hand. I laugh at his awkwardness and he sends me a glare which makes me laugh harder.



"Hey Harry. Good seeing you." Caleb shakes Harrys hand before turning to me. "We have a concert to finish."



I pout and turn to Harry which he laughs at my childish behavior.



"Go sing your heart out. I'll be waiting for you." He leans in kissing my lips before turning me around so that my back is against his chest. "I'll never get used to kissing your perfect lips."



Butterflies. Butterflies are what Harry Styles gives me. I look back at him and wink before skipping on stage like a lovesick teenager finishing our show with a bang.



"Thank y'all for coming out tonight and all the support! We wouldn't be here if it weren't for you!" We do our outro gig and walk off stage.



"Great show guys!" Harry yells when we walk into the room.



"Thanks!" My band replies before talking about guy stuff. I zoned out when I sat in the large chair that could easily fit two people. I'm watching Harry interact with my band like they've known each other for years and are the best of mates. I watch Harry's mannerisms, the way he smiles and his eyes crinkle, dimples prominent, eyes glowing. When he tells a joke that he thinks is hilarious and no one else thinks it's funny. I always think his jokes are funny because we have the same humor but not many people have it so they look at him awkwardly and Harry replies. "You don't get it do you?" He sighs defeated and looks over to me which I smile widely at him silently telling him that I got the joke which he returns because in all honesty there's only one opinion he needs. They go back to talking and I just sit and watch my boys. After about an hour I feel myself being lifted from my seat. My eye flutters open to find Harry smiling at me. "Hello sleepy beauty."



"Wha?"



"You fell asleep" he chuckles "so we're going to the bus now to sleep." He tightens his hold on me and I wrap my arms around his neck as he carries me to the bus and into my bunk. He crawls in next to me pulling me to rest my head on his chest



"Goodnight, beautiful." He whispers in my ear before kissing my forehead.



"Goodnight, babe." I yawn closing my eyes not realizing what I said until I feel Harry chuckle.



My cheeks flush and he gently rubs his thumb across my cheekbone. "Don't I get a goodnight kiss?" He asks pouting. Not opening my eyes I pucker my lips causing him to chuckle once more before gently pecking my lips and we both fall asleep.



"Christiana?" I hear a knock on the door.

"Yeah?"

Christian comes into my room sitting on the edge of my bed. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault." I tell my younger brother.

"I-I should've stopped her." He bows his head ashamed.

I reach out grabbing his hand. "No, do not feel guilty. She's drunk."

He looks up and rolls his eyes. "She doesn't have to be drunk to hit you. I'm really sorry she hates you. I can't see why anyone could ever hate you."

"Yeah tell mother and the bullies at school." I scoff.

"I'm serious, Cricket. You mean the world to me. I can't live without you."

My eyes start to tear up. "I can't live without you either, Christian. Besides Ashley, you're all I have to live for."

"It was horrifying seeing you lifeless in the hospital."

"I'm so sorry. I'll make sure you never have to see me like that."

Christian leans back on my bed and I curl up next to him. "I love you little brother."

"I love you too. Now be strong. Don't ever give up. I'll always be right here." He points to my heart and somewhere in my dreamland I realize this isn't in the original memory. "I miss you." I break down crying and Christian holds me. "I miss you too but you're not finished on Earth. You're going to live a happy life."

"I don't want to live without you." I stutter still crying.

"You have to. You have people who need you more than I do." He starts to cry as well.

"Never let go. Promise?"

"I promise."

"Pinky promise?" He holds his pinky out to me just like old times.

"Pinky promise." I link my pinky with his and he slowly fades out of my dream.



"Christiana?" Harry gently shakes me.

"Christiana! Wake up!" He panics.

I slowly open my eyes before realizing that I have been crying.

"Are you okay?" He asks wiping my tears away and rubbing my back.

"Yeah just a dream."

"You didn't scream..." He states confused.

"No, it was a good dream. Sad, but good."

Harry nods, "Oh."

"It was about my younger brother Christian. A sweet memory." I smile through my tears.

Harry brushes hair out from my face. "I-I have to tell you something."

"Yeah?" I reach up to caress his cheek like he always does to me.

"I-I..." Harry starts but he closes his eye. "I really care about you." He leans down to rest his forehead against mine.

I slide my hand from his cheek to behind his neck bringing his lips to mine. We briefly make out before I pull away pecking his lips. "I really care about you too." I smile at him. We both fall back asleep in each other's arms.

*Next morning*

"Okay love birds. We're at the airport." Robby says opening my curtain.

I groan and hide my face in Harry's neck.

Harry pats my back and I look up to him opening one eye.

"We have to leave."

"Why..." I groan sleepily.

"So I can make it to sound check and the concert tonight."

I yawn really big as Harry jumps down from my bunk and I follow. "I'm going to the toilets" I hear Harry call out heading towards the bathroom while I begin to pack a small bag. The plane ride is spent with Harry catching me up on the album stating that I'll love it. I smile and watch him excitedly tell me but I can tell that he's tired. "Have you gotten much sleep?"

"No. We've been recording after concerts in our hotel rooms all of us not getting much sleep."

I sigh and shake my head. The rest of the plane ride is spent talking about the future but we both tear up a little because neither of us want to stop touring and being in a band. Not ready to think about the world forgetting us.



You know, I know, you know I'll remember you and I know, you know, I know you'll remember me.



*At the concert that night*



I was sitting backstage on the middle cushion with my legs propped up on the ottoman while I waited for the boys to finish their last song of the night. It's been a good concert so far and Harry has stolen kisses with me in-between sets getting scolded by Paul as I just laughed happily. Harry messed up a little on one of the songs but every singer messes up occasionally. It wasn't that big he was off pitch slightly but only musicians could tell.

I hear the fans scream loudly. More loud than I thought possible. They were yelling something but I could make it out. I then see Niall run in shaking his head.

"What's wrong Niall?"

"Crazy fans." He says and plots down next to me kicking his feet in the table as well. "Unbelievable."

Niall is about to say something when Zayn and Louis walk in. Zayn's head is down as he makes his way to his dressing room shaking his head.

What happened?

Louis looks like he is about to start crying and that shocks and scares me the most because he is the loud, sassy, tough one. I've never seen him this distraught.

He sits next to me biting his lip looking up.

"Lou... What's wrong?"

He just shakes his head.

I hear an all too familiar deep voice shouting in the distance. "No! Don't let her see me."

Is he talking about me? And why?

Liam walks in looking sad. He makes eye contact with me. "Let him have a moment then go to him." And he walks off.

I turn to Louis about to cry myself seeing all these happy, energetic boys suddenly about to break. "What happened Lou tell me." I put my hand on his hand that's sitting next to my leg.

"I-it's just the fans... They jumped on stage somehow and Harry and I were standing next to each other." He looks down and I grasp his hand tighter.

"Yeah?"

"They were making accusations at the both of us."

"Is this about the Larry crap?"

Louis nods. "Yeah... Except they brought you and El in the conversation as well. Saying you two deserve to die and also us too."

"Y'all deserve to die?" I gasp.

Louis nods again. I see a tear escaping his eyes and I pull him into a hug.

"They said we don't deserve to be in the band and that we should just claim we're together and then kill ourselves because we aren't worth it."

"Oh my God." I say furious.

"And they hate our tattoos and we went from boyband to emo-band."

"Look." I pull Louis back looking him dead in the eyes. "Do not for one second think you don't deserve this band. The five of you are incredibly talented. You deserve this, you've worked hard enough. You deserve to live and be happy. Now call Eleanor while I go find Harry."

Louis nods. "Thank you."

I give him a small smile and I go try to find my Hazza.

"Harry?" I call out hoping he'll respond.

Nope, nothing. I turn down a hallway that is barely lit and go in the first door I see and that's where my curly headed boy is sitting crouched on one of the steps with his head down.

I walk over and sit in front of him on the ground not saying anything.

"Go away" he mumbles. I can barely hear him as his hands are covering his face. I reach up and grab both his hands pulling them down as I stand up on my knees. I can see two streaks indicating that he has been crying along with bloodshot eyes and his green eyes shining.

I shake my head. "Don't listen to them. They only want to break you."

"No they're right. I messed up tonight. Did you not hear it?" He says bitterly.

"Of course I did. I'm a musician. But you were only a half a step off pitch and I only know that because I am a musician." I snap at him.

"I don't deserve this band. I don't deserve any of this." He whispers.

"Don't say that." I sigh and rub up and down to sides of his thighs trying to calm him.

"Maybe I should just be gay and just go and kill myself! Then they'd be happy." His voice cracks desperate to make his fans happy.

"That wouldn't make anyone happy and you know that." My eyes start to fill and pour over. He looks at me and sighs.

"I know. It's all too much. The Larry shit is still going around. I'm worried about you getting hate, worried about Louis because it affects him as well, worried that I'll never be good enough for the fans and they've done so much for us that I can't even begin to describe and then this is how they treat us."

"You are good enough and if they can't see that then it's their loss. Your true fans love you no matter what you do."

He nods. "I just... I try to not let it affect me and be strong like you always are but I-I can't it hurts, Christiana. It hurts that all they want to do is tear us apart by making up cheating rumors saying I'll leave you for Louis. Death threats against you and El. It's not fair to you two to have to deal with it." He looks down again letting a tear fall. "Maybe we should just break up." He whispers and his voice cracks. He scrunches his eyebrows together closing his eyes tightly.

"Is that what you want?"

He shakes his head opening his eyes to look at me.

"Always do what you want. Always do what makes you happy what makes you smile." I say to him grabbing his hands and gripping them tightly. I hate seeing him so broken. "Remember the park?"

He nods.

"This is me not giving up on you." I look him in the eyes.

"Come to me." He says simply and I reach up wrapping my arms around his neck pulling him in a protective hug. I wish I could block out all his pain. Every little thing that bothers him. I rub his back gently massaging it as my other hand massages his scalp. His shoulders begin to shake and he grasps onto my torso tightly.

"Shh, just let it out." I say sweetly to him. I hear the door open but I don't move from Harry.

I see Louis sit next to us and he looks down.

I turn my head to him "Did you call El?"

He nods "Yeah she's flying out tomorrow to see us."

I nod. "Good."

I can see he's about to tear up again probably seeing his best friend in the middle of his break down. "She told me to find you."

I nod and remove one of my arms from Harry and reach out to pull Louis in a hug. Not much of a hug considering I'm in-between Harry's legs with him wrapped around my torso but my arm goes under Louis' while he rests his head into my neck starting to have his own break down.

They've been stressed to the max with all the recording, writings, working on the next album after this one, touring every night, interviews almost every day. They've been getting little to none sleep and then their fans have the nerve to do this to them.

"Just let it out boys."

I hold on to them for I don't know how long. I'm here until they need me. They've both stopped crying but they still cling to me. I rub their backs as well as I can being in this position. Harry begins to rub my back and I can tell that he's alright now. I put my hand in his curls knowing that calms him down further. I would do the same to Louis but that's impossible in this spot so I massage his back.

Louis pulls away first and Harry does right after.

I look at both of them in the eyes making sure that they're okay now. Both of their eyes are bloodshot red with bags under their eyes and I'm sure mine look the same because I was crying right along with them. It broke my heart to see them like this.

We just glance back and forth from one another before simultaneously we burst into laughter.

To anyone else we would seem insane. Crazy. Mental. But to us this is what we needed. After all of that I was glad to see then laugh. Louis stands up to leave and I stand up giving him a proper hug and kissing him on the cheek.

"Thanks again."

"Anytime, Lou."

He nods and leaves and I kneel in front of Harry again. He instantly wraps his arms around me pulling me to him.

"You're amazing you know that?"

"I try." I say and he laughs.

I reach my hands to his face wiping away the remaining tears on his cheeks before curling my fingers in his hair.

"You mean so much to me. Don't let this build up that only fuels the fire."

He nods before crashing his lips onto my own.



I smile into the kiss and instantly kiss back with the same passion. He needs to know that I care about him. That I'm not leaving him for anyone.



A/N
He almost said he loved her. But why didn't he? Comment and vote and state your opinion!



HAPPY THREE YEARS ONE DIRECTION!!!!!

They have made me so happy. I struggled with cutting and depression and then I found them and I have turned my life upside down. Whenever I'm sad or have the urge to cut I watch the diaires and smile and laugh.

If anyone needs to talk or anything I'm here for you.

Much love xx