There's A Fine Line Between Love And Hate

Chapter Twelve- There Is No Distraction To Mask What Is Real.

I'm so excited for you all to read this, it's one of my favourite chapters! Also this is insane, 19 days ago I was so excited as we had hit 110 reads, we are now 5 reads away from hitting 500!! Thank you all so much, it's awesome!

TRIGGER WARNINGS:: Anxiety, self doubt and a little bit of heavy petting (in case you aren't in to that!)

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I woke up with a feeling that something wasn't right. Before long, I could hear the sound of someone sniffling. I pulled back the curtains, trying to be as quiet as I could, and made my way towards to the noise. I found myself downstairs at the back lounge, and saw a dark form curled into a ball on the couch. They were slightly obscured by the table in front of them, but I was sure I knew who it was. I slowly made my way towards the person, before touching their shoulder lightly.

"Josh?"

As he pulled back, I could see tears streaming down his face through the pale moonlight, creeping through the gap in the curtains. Josh looked up at me.

"Go away. I don't want you here." Josh tried to turn away from me, as if to hide his face.

"Josh, what's wrong? I'm staying right here." I tried to sound forceful, but I knew I would leave the second Josh told me he would be better without me.

"Ava, I really don't need anyone here. I'm fine. " Josh tried to push me away, while I grabbed at his arm. Josh pushed a little too hard and I ended up falling back onto the table, dragging Josh with me. I looked up at him, mere inches away. How we continued to find ourselves in situations like this, I didn't know. Josh sighed and moved his face into the crook of my neck, his arms on either side of me, leaning all of his weight against his forearms. We stayed like this for about a minute, maybe two, before Josh pulled back. I was expecting for him to tell me to leave or say something rude and ruin the moment.

Instead I was more than surprised when Josh pulled me so I was sitting up on the table, pressed chest to chest with him, before moving his hands to just under my thighs, barely covered by my shorts. He grabbed lightly at my thighs, causing me to wrap my arms around his neck. Josh lifted me and pushed my thighs together so my legs were wrapped around his waist. I could feel Josh walking us forwards. My back hit against the wall, Josh continued moving until he was pressed up against me again.

"Josh, what are you doing? Is this wise?" I just about managed to speak before I felt Josh nuzzle in to my neck again and mutter a yes. It came out as more of a vibration on my neck, making me squeak slightly at how unexpected the feeling and situation both were. "Josh, are you sure this is okay?"

I could feel Josh pull away, the cold night air hitting the skin that was so warm just moments before. "I'm sure Ava, I want this right now."

Josh began kissing my neck slightly, nipping in places and sucking in others. I couldn't help but let out a slight moan, trying to bite my lip to keep quiet.

"Josh, we can't do... this. Whatever this is, there are people upstairs and we need to talk this through first. And I need to make sure you're okay." Josh pulled back, still holding me up against the wall. He looked so disappointed, I couldn't leave it like that. I kissed just under his jaw, and along his jawline, tasting the salty remains of his tears. I could hear Josh inhaling sharply, a choking moan beginning to rise in his throat. I nibbled a little and sucked at the soft, sensitive area of skin below his left ear. I pulled back a little and widened the gap between our faces. Josh's eyes were closed, and he was breathing fairly heavily, the short pants of breath hitting against my cheek and neck.

"You're right. We should talk." Josh moved away from the wall, and carried me back over to the couch. He let me down on to the couch gently and sat down next to me.

"What happened?" As soon as I had asked the question, Josh looked at the ground. I didn't want to ruin the moment, but I had to make sure Josh was okay, first and foremost. We could talk about what was happening between us later.

"I just- I just can't help it. I get so nervous about the shows, and I worry that I'm going to disappoint the fans, or they would see that I'm not the idol that they've built me up to be. I mean, I see what they say about me, sometimes I'm not sure that the fans understand that I'm really just human. That I have my own issues too, which makes things worse."

I couldn't help but reach out and hold Josh's hand. He looked up at me, surprised. I could see his eyes welling with tears again.

"Look, Josh. I can understand what you're feeling, it's totally normal to be concerned. And I understand your anxiety issues, better than you know. I want you to understand that you mean so much to so many people, and while you could've been placed on a pedestal, the majority of the people out there understand that you can't be perfect all of the time. You have both their admiration and respect, and while you're not likely to fall, they will always be there to catch you and help you back up again. So relax, you and Tyler will be both be okay. Do you want a cup of tea, it'll help calm you?"

Josh smiled a little, the tears began to disappear. "I guess you have a valid point, and yeah, I'll take that cup of tea, please."

I pulled out my laptop from the side of the couch where I had left it earlier, opening up my movie folder and quietly playing Talladega Nights to help cheer Josh up while I made the tea. I was glad we'd gotten a quiet kettle, as I didn't want to wake the rest of the crew that were travelling on our bus. I quickly carried two large mugs of tea to where Josh was sat giggling contently at the film. I sat the mugs on the table and sat down next to Josh. He wrapped his arm around me, pulling me into his side. I wrapped my arm around Josh's waist and cuddled him in return, laying my head on his chest so we could both watch the film.

"Thank you." I looked up at Josh, a confused expression on my face.

"What for?"

"Just for being there, I really appreciate it." Josh smiled at me, before resting his head on mine. We continued laughing at the film and sipping our tea. Eventually, we grew too tired to finish the film.

"I really need to go to bed." I yawned, standing up and stretching a little.

Josh yawned too, running a hand through his hair. "Look, I know this is weird, but will you share my bunk tonight? I just don't know if I'd feel okay on my own tonight." I nodded.

"Sure, but it'll be a tight squeeze. You'd have to cuddle me all night." I giggled a little as Josh wrapped his arms around me again.

"I promise I will. C'mon." Josh turned off the laptop and tucked it back into the side pocket of the couch. Josh took my hand and silently lead me upstairs to his bunk, letting me climb in first. I moved so I was pressed against the back wall of the bunk. Josh took his shirt off and climbed in next to me, holding me close. We whispered goodnight to each other, and I could feel Josh kiss my forehead and cheek again before we drifted off to sleep.