There's A Fine Line Between Love And Hate

Chapter Thirty Four- I Want To Be A Lot Of Things, So Much Pent Up Inside Of Me

Sorry it's a day late, I've written this chapter and rewritten it over and over again, but I think I'm satisfied with it. Let me know what you all think!
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I looked up at two sat opposite me, searching desperately for any sign that this was all a big joke. There wasn't a single trace of humour on their faces.

"You're not joking, are you? You're serious." My voice trembled as I spoke again, barely above a whisper, the tears trickling down my face. I tried so hard to keep my shit together while Ashley shook her head. Jenna walked over and rubbed my back.

"Ava, my brother loved you; he truly did. He still loves you, that will never change. He wanted everything to be perfect and he tried his best to make you happy."

"And I fucked it up?" Jenna nodded a little, before Ashley shrugged.

"There's always a possibility you could tell him how you really feel? You could talk to him and see what happens?"

I didn't think I was ready to talk to Josh just yet, I was still deeply ashamed of what I had said, and I wasn't sure if I knew the right words to apologise. Josh was right I was scared and I was stubborn. I didn't truly understand what I had before it was gone. In a mere matter of a week I had lost my little family, both my son and my boyfriend. I didn't even have my job to fall back on, seeing as how my boss figured I wasn't in the right headspace to work. My world was slowly folding in on itself, becoming a little bit shittier every single day for just over a week, so why was I only beginning to notice this now?

Before I could ask Ashley what Josh had told his siblings about our situation, her phone began to ring. While Ashley fished her phone out of her bag and answered it, Jenna started enquiring as to whether I'd eaten anything today. I shook my head a little.

"Not yet. I've been meaning to do a food shop. I just haven't gotten around to doing it yet. I was going to get a smoothie or something and then go shopping? Y'know, try to get back to feeling a little more normal before I can even speak to Josh again. I'm just not ready to face him, just not yet."

I knew Jenna was about to ask what had been said between Josh and I, but thankfully Ashley interrupted, covering the microphone on her phone with her hand, "Ava, Jordan wants to speak to you, is that okay?"

As soon as I had agreed to speak to Jordan, Ashley set the phone onto the loudspeaker mode and set it in the middle of the table for us all to hear the call. There was a little bit of movement before I could hear Jordan speak to someone in the background. "I'm about to speak to Ava, do you want to speak to her or hear what she has to say?"

"No, it's okay. She said she didn't want to speak to me, so I'll give her a little more time. Just tell her that I love her." The second voice was, unmistakably, Josh's voice. I mean, I should know the sound of his voice, as if it were engraved into my very being, or etched upon my soul. For almost 6 months, it had been the last voice I had heard at night, and the first I had heard in the morning. We could all hear Jordan call after him, before the door shut loudly, signalling that Josh had left the room fairly abruptly. Jordan sighed loudly before returning to the call at hand.

"Hi Ava, how are you coping?"  I bit back my tongue, tempted to say something stupid like "Oh, I'm swell Jordan, thanks for asking! Jenna and your sister are just popping round for a little tea party, nothing too serious!"

That was what I wanted to say. Instead, I opened up a little, something that I definitely wasn't used to doing.

"Honestly, I'm not great. I miss him, and I heard what Josh said, and I love him too. I'm sorry. How's he holding up?" I could feel my eyes welling up again. I bit my lip, determined not to begin crying again. I rested my head in my hands, scrunching up my eyes again.