Am i afraid to fall in love again? Why would i be, i have done it before! Maybe because the first time i fell in love i got my heart shattered. But Shawn would never, he's my bestfriend. But Matthew was my best friend before. Shawn isnt Matthew though.
"to make things clear, you don't like Shawn?" Vanessa says. "what? i do! i like him.. a lot" i answer truthfully. "you just dont know if you love him?", "i do love him!", "are you in love woth him?" she asks.
I groan. "i don't know i don't know!"
She playfully judges me while i put my hands on my head, stressed and clueless. I don't know if i'm in love with Shawn. He poured his heart out to me, i felt so relieved for some reason when he told me he is in love with me. I couldn't say it back because i don't know if i am.
I know if you're in love with someone it's pretty obvious, but something is telling me i am in love with him but something else is holding me back.
"take a fucking quiz, lana" Vanessa tells me handing me her phone.
Sighing, i take her phone and do the first stupid online quiz. 'Am i in love or infatuated?'
Question one: when you hear his name, what's your first reaction? choices: 1) nothing 2) hey! i know him! 3) excited! 4) ew!
"Vanessa, what the fuck this is so stupid!" i yell in frustration. "the answer choices aren't accurate enough?" she questions and i shake my head. "so tell me instead what's your reaction when you hear Shawn's name"
I shrug and she raises her eyebrow. "you know when i said Shawn, you just smiled the biggest i've seen you smile all day" she informs me. "really? i didnt notice" i say and sip my water.
"tell me!" she demands. "i dont know what you want me to say, like he's my best friend so of course i get happy when i hear his name, my heart may race a little faster than normal and i may get a little giggly" i answer. She laughs.
When she finishes she shakes her head while looking at me. "you're so girly, ew" she continues to laugh. I raise my middle finger and reach for my phone on my dresser.
iMessage: Shawn
Shawn //- hey, too soon? 😅😅
"What did Shawn text?" Vanessa asks. "how do you know he texted me?" i ask. "that stupid ass smile on your face" she says. I laugh a little.
iMessage: Shawn
lana //- nope, im glad you texted (:
Shawn //- okay good, i thought i scared you off...
lana //- of course you didnt !!!!!
Shawn //- okay 😅
lana //- sorry i didnt tell you my feelings, i just needed to think
Shawn //- no problem at all
lana //- good so lets talk in person later?
Shawn //- woah woah you're asking to be apart of my schedule?
lana //- i'll bring muffins (;
Shawn //- haha my place at 5
lana //- i will be there😌
Shawn //- counting the minutes
lana //- ☺️☺️
-
Vanessa's focused on 'the vampire diaries' playing on my tv, i take that opportunity to get up and shower.
I bathe and wash my hair and get out. I brush my teeth and my hair, putting it in a bun then looking for an outfit.
"what you getting dressed up for babygirl?" Vanessa asks when the episode is over. "i have to go see Damian and Jayce" i answer her. "you've been going to their apartment everyday, just call or something"
No one lets me get anything done my way. i get my phone and call Damian, i could use his advice anyway.
"Hey little sis, checking in again?" Damian answers.
"Hey Dam, is it a crime?"
"Coming to our apartment everyday is trespassing"
"whatever, you need a babysitter"
"its the other way around brat, whats up?"
"i was going to visit but Vanessa said to just..."
"Vanessa? the sassy one right?"
"yup but thats besides the point"
"okay so whats going on with you?"
"Shawn told me he's in love with me"
"finally!"
"but i couldnt say it back, i dont know why"
"its obvious you love him so whats holding you back?"
I think about it more and sigh.
"i have no idea, Damian"
"i have an idea but you probably wont like it"
"what?"
"talk to Matthew"
"what? why? he has nothing to do with this"
"he does, he's your ex, first love and trust me when i say he's what is holding you back"
"you're crazy"
"i have to go, but mark my words, love you sis"
"love you too"
-
I hang up the phone and look at Vanessa. "he says i need to talk to Matthew" i tell her. "why didnt i think of that! oh my goodness, Damian is so intelligent.. and hot" she says. "ew stop"
When i finish getting dressed and Vanessa leaves, i swallow my pride and go to Matthew's house. Laura answers and we catch up a little before i go to his room.
He sits there on a chair focused on his phone. I knock lightly and he looks up, taken back from my presence.
"hey" i awkwardly say. He says it back equally awkward.
I stand there for a while and then take a deep breath. "Sorry i showed up unexpectedly, i know we havent been on good terms and things ended badly for us but there's so much going on and i dont know why but something happened and my brother says i need to talk to you to move forward"
He ponders his thoughts for a while before speaking. "i'm holding you back from moving on?" he asks. It was shocking that he knew that.
"i guess, how did you comprehend that?" i ask. "well it makes since, you're trying to move forward and the same thing is happening with me" he says. "it is?", he nods.
We sit in silence for a little. "i'm sorry, lana. I didn't mean to hurt you, even though it seems like i did. The things i said to you were out of line and not true at all. I did love you and i still do, i will always love you, no matter how hard i try i will never be able to stop. I can't lie, i really want a second chance but that's not fair to you because you're already moving on and i can't stop you at a chance of happiness. I just want you to know im so sorry for everything i did and said to hurt you, i hope we can move pass this and go back to being good friends."
It felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders for some reason, maybe i just needed to know his true feelings, but i felt so much better.
"Thank you, Matthew and i hope we can go back to being good friends because i honestly miss you"
He smiles and stands up to hug me.
....
When i arrive at Shawn's house, i walk fast to his door and knock, impatiently.
About less than a minute later he answers the door with a smile.
I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him toward me and kiss him.
He kisses back and i pull away for a second.
"i'm in love with you, Shawn"
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AHHHHHHHHH 😊😊😊😊 im going to try to update more and more 😌
Thanks for reading my lovessss💖
be active for next chap
