Arrows in the Dark

One More Time for the Cameras

I'm motionless. I stand staring at him blankly. I feel numb. Everything is numb. I almost don't hear it when someone calls out for us to board the train. Then Peeta's talking to me pulling me back inside. My feet move on their own and then we're back on the train. Peeta's still talking to me. I don't know about what but i decide it's not important anymore. "Will you excuse me?" i ask. Peeta stops and slowly nods, then I'm gone. I somehow ended up in my room but i don't recall walking there. I sit for who knows how long. My back straight hands folded onto my lap and my legs crossed at the ankle.

I think long and hard about every moment of the past couple of weeks. All a lie. It was all a lie. He never loved me while i poured my heart out to him. My very soul. I let him in unknowingly and he in a matter of seconds slammed my door shut and broke everything inside. I don't cry. I don't think I'm able to. I want to black out. I want to take all my memories with Peeta and shove them into a little box that can not be opened but there's too many, and my mind has been filled to the brim with them. It's all I have been thinking about. It's all i want to think about. The way he looked at me. The way he laughs. The jokes we've shared. Kissing.

I choke on the air in my lungs and let out a strangled cry. I blink as the tears begin to form. I put one hand over my mouth and stare at the wall across from me. No. No. It can't be true. Then I'm throwing things around. Anything, everything. There's not much. I break a lap and some small knick knacks that have no meaning to me. I prick my finger on the broken shards and i watch as the blood squeezes out of my vein puses past the skin and drops down onto the floor. My door opens with a swoosh. "GET! OUT!" i shout not bothering to see who it is.

"Catroa what's wrong?!" Peeta asks confused seeing the blood and the broken lamp.

"I knocked. Over. A. Lamp." i bark out then I'm in the bathroom and Peeta's banging on my door.

"Just go away please Peeta!" i shout dropping to the floor my back against the door. He's shouting something but i can't understand. I drop my head between my knees and bite my lip crying softly.

I don't know how long i sat there but it was long enough to lose the feeling in my legs. Long enough for my back to grow stiff and long enough for me to cry my eyes out. I unbend my knees slowly hearing my joints crack. Then i straighten my back grimacing listening for sounds outside the door. Nothing. I decide not to check but instead take a shower. There's fresh clothes and towels in here which is rather convenient. I tear everything off and toss it into the open hamper. Jumping into the shower i press a random combination of buttons. I'm first sprayed with some rather foamy soap before the water hits me and washes everything away. Then there's more soap and what i think is perfume and the water shuts off. With a sigh and a shiver i turn it back on and carefully press the buttons i know are safe. I stand in there longer than intended just feeling the water rush down around me. I imagine I'm somewhere else. Somewhere far away.

When i emerge from the shower i slowly move about drying my body and hair with all the fancy gadgets before changing, making every move deliberate. I step out of the bathroom to find a new lamp and clear shelves. The broken pieces are gone and the blood has even been taken out of the pristine carpet. I sigh and glance at a clock. It's late. Tomorrow we'll be home. Truly home. And i don't even want to go. I climb into bed and pull the covers up over my head. Surprisingly i fall asleep. Probably because i was exhausted.

When i wake in the morning i see that clothes have been laid out for me. A pretty blue dress like the one i wore when i left. There's matching shoes. I slip everything on. I'm changed and ready to go when there's a small knock at my door. It opens up and reveals the bright beaming face of Effie Trinket. She's all done up in neon orange. I try not to look grossed out. "Oh good! You're awake!" she says happily clasping her hands together and rushing toward me. She touches my shoulders lightly as if afraid to touch me. "You look beautiful as always." she says with a huge smile. I smile back and say a small,