Texting 1: Sit The Fuck Back Down, You Are Not The Real Slim Shady

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(F/N): Why wouldn't you just use a big magnet to find a needle in a haystack?

Eren: 'Cause setting it on fire was way more fun

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(F/N): Do not reply to this message

Jean: Ok

Jean: ...dammit

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Eren: Any luck?

(F/N): Well the best of the best was unavailable, so we're getting the best of the mediocre

(F/N) You're late

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Eren: In training today, Levi started having a coughing fit and some yelled, "SATAN IS CHOKING HIM!", and I said 'sorry' out of habit and he stopped coughing

(F/N): This explains so much

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(F/N): Dude, I'm a triple threat

Connie: How?

(F/N): I'm a smart ass, a badass, and I have a great ass

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(F/N): Words cannot tell you how much I love you

(F/N): So forget it

Jean: ...

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Armin: What colour are you painting Hanji's room?

(F/N): Barney's blood

Armin: Dude come on

(F/N): *Sends picture of a paint can with a tag saying 'Barney's blood'*

(F/N): I'm dead serious

Armin: Apparently so is Barney

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(F/N): It's funny we say 'oh, man' to express disappointment

(F/N): Because Men are disappointing

Ymir: Amen

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(F/N): So I'm at Hoover dam with Bertoldt

Armin: Oh for the love of God

(F/N): Goats are all over the side of it, I point it out to him

(F/N): Goats all over the dam place

(F/N): I'm going to buy some dam water

(F/N): And maybe some dam snacks

(F/N): At the dam snack bar

(F/N): Oh look there's a dam barbeque

(F/N): look at all that dam concrete

(F/N): Dam. This is huge

Armin: My sanity :/

(F/N): Are you tired of my dam jokes?

(F/N): I thought they were dam good

(F/N): Bert just threatened to thrown me over the dam

(F/N): He's been counting how many dam jokes I've made today

(F/N): Dam it

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(F/N): I've lost my phone can you call it?

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