Girl (completed)

32

   "Hi," he said nervously, and my mouth dropped open in wonder, but I quickly closed it, walking past him and out of the door swiftly.

   "Blaire, come on. Let me drive you home," he pleaded, and I felt like I was going to faint. The forgotten feelings of the last few months overwhelmed me, consuming me in silence, "I just want to talk, it's been so long. You look good."

   "I look good?" I asked hysterically, turning on my heel abruptly to face him, "You left me, and you're telling me that I look good?" I said, and pulled a cigarette from my purse, lighting it in my shaking hand.

  "I didn't leave you."

  "You didn't love  me."

  "I always loved you," he argued, lighting one of his own, and puffing on it nonchalantly.

  "If I get in the car, can we just drive in silence?" I asked, and he nodded, no trace of a smile on his face. I didn't notice it until then, but he looked bad. He looked ghostly thin, and he had large bags under his eyes as if he hadn't slept in ages.

  "Are you okay?" I asked when we got into the car, and he raised an eyebrow at me.

  "I thought you didn't want to talk?" He said, and I shrugged, "I'm okay," he replied, but he seemed tired.

  "Oh," I said simply, and I looked out of the window, tears brimming my eyes for reasons I was yet to understand. I had no urge to cry, and I wasn't sad.

  "I really, really wanted us to work out," he said, and for a moment I le my guard down.

  "So did I," I relied, and we drove in silence for a while. A song came to me, and the memories that accompanied it made me feel sorrow, longing for the days when everything was easier, but that was gone.

  "Stars fading but I'll linger on dear, still craving your kiss, I'm longing to linger till dawn dear, just saying this, sweet dreams till sunbeams find you, sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you, but in your dreams whatever they be, dream a little dream of me," I sang under my breath, and for the first time in a long time, I actually, genuinely smiled.

  "You know I'll wait forever for you," John said, as more of a statement than a question, but I answered anyways.

  "I'm tired, John. Can't you see that? I'm exhausted, and I can't go around and around like this. You already had me," I said, and he breathed in, keeping his eyes on the road.

  "Can you just do me a favor?" He asked, desperation making his voice weary.

  "What?"

   "Do you remember when we watched Gone With the Wind?" he asked, and I nodded, "remember me in that way," he said, and I wiped away tears, however more cascaded down my face.

   "No, you don't get to do this, to leave me with this-this guilt. I want you to know that I sat by the phone, waiting for you to ring. I watched every TV appearance, read every tabloid. I sobbed, spending hours thinking about you, and you never even fucking called," I said, getting out of the car that was now parked in Paul's driveway, and walking away, as I always did, heartbroken and crying.

   "Blaire?" Paul said, worry in his voice as soon as I walked in, and I went up the stairs, but not fast enough.

 "Blaire, wait!" He said, and I turned, anger spreading through my veins.

 "What? You did this on purpose, you knew I wasn't ready, but you forced this on me anyways!" I yelled, and he looked shocked. I had never been truly mad at him before.

 "I just thought-" he started, but I interrupted him.

  "You just thought that if you pawned me off on John, you'd be rid of me. No more nights spent cheering me up, no more doctor's appointments, I get it. I'll be out of you hair soon."

 "I just thought maybe if you and John got back together, you'd smile again." he said, and I huffed and turned, racing the rest of the way up and falling onto my bed, wishing for it to swallow me up forever, but alas, it did not, and I woke up to another day of dreary nothingness.