Girl (completed)

58

   Lying in bed with John, I looked up at the ceiling. Even though I have exactly what I wanted, it didn't seem to be enough. It wasn't enough to fill the hole in my heart. My chest felt empty, and I had lost that passion for life that I once clutched to desperately. I tried to trace my steps, but I just couldn't pin the exact point that I had stopped really living, and started falling.
   He had fallen asleep long ago, but dreams evaded me, and so I laid there for a while, contemplating what I had done in my life.
I thought of all of the fun Savanna and I had together, and it made my heart pound. I just listened to it in the darkness as I realized that there was a time when I thought that we would be friends forever. That seemed so distant now. There was a time where we would tell each other everything, but as it always does, time broke the bond. Time and love.
I suddenly began sobbing. Tears fell from my eyes messily as I tried to stop them. I didn't even know why I was crying anymore. I didn't feel sad, but I didn't feel happy either. Not even a feeling of content resting in my chest.  I covered my mouth as to not wake John, but it didn't work. He rolled over to face me, and I could only see him faintly in the moonlight coming from the window.
   "Blaire?" He asked, and sat up in the bed groggily. I fell into his arms, and he embraced me in surprise. I only cried harder now, and I felt stupid for doing it. I felt stupid for being naive and weak. And I hated being vulnerable more than anything.
   "I'm sorry," I said between sobs, and he rubbed my back slowly.
   "Don't be sorry, whats wrong?" He asked, and I shut my eyes really tightly to stop the tears.
   "I don't know. It's stupid. I'm sorry," I apologized again, and he sighed.
   "Blaire," he said, and I sighed and rolled away from him and looked up at the ceiling. I sighed and closed my eyes tightly.
  "It's like, hard to put into words. It's like I don't feel anything, at all, and then every once in a while I get a stabbing feeling in my chest, and it just hurts, but I kinda like it because at least then I feel something," I explained, and John didn't say anything for a while.
   "Yeah, I feel like that too a lot. The other day, when we kissed, I felt a different sharp feeling in my chest. It was warm, and then I realized that that was happiness, and I just hadn't felt it in so long that I forgot what it felt like," he said, and we both sat there in the darkness thinking for a while.
   "Blaire?" He asked, and I looked at him.
   "Yes?" I asked, and he looked up.
   "Sometimes I think it's better not to feel. Like the numbness just protects me or something," he said.
   "But if you aren't feeling, you're just going through the motions, and then what's the point?" I inquired, and the room was completely silenced expect the sounds of our breathing, and I realized that despite this cold feeling I always have now, there's nowhere I would rather be.
    "I think that's the point. I haven't lived long enough to figure that out yet," he said thoughtfully, and I nodded.
    "Okay," I whispered, and things grew quiet again. Just as I was drifting off, he spoke again.
    "Blaire?" He said, and I mumbled quietly in response.
   "Hmm?" I said.
   "Will you marry me?"
   "Yes."
•••
One more chapter. I'm really sorry that this didn't turn out better. It doesn't slide into an ending like my books normally do, but I got lost along the way. Also this chapter we inspired by a real conversation I had the other day with a good friend, who probably knows me more than I know myself right now. So if you do read this (even though I told you not to🙄) just... thanks.