Falling Hard

Page 55

October 15, 2015

Standing there; outside exactly. Back leaning against the car door, her leg bouncing up and down it could pop off, hands shaking; they're being shove in warm pockets. Slightly baggy clothes drooping from her body, but it fit her.

Bags under the eyes, skin look quite pale, hair maybe needs that regular two week haircut. The urge to need to smoke the nerves away–but she doesn't want to look bad–not right now.

Head switching from side to side, trying her hardest to look cool or normal but nothing about her is normal, nothing that is going on in her life is normal.

She feel like she is reliving high school all over again, feeling like that loner; the outcast. Not that it was a problem, she still is to this day an outcast. Is just feel much much much colder.

She had people in her life; Beyonce.

Key word: had.

That's why she is trying to win her over. She knew it was hard, she knew it wouldn't come easy but nothing she doing is working. She gave her space–all the space she deserves.

I mean...she can't stalk her in her sleep if she doesn't know where she stays at night. Yeah, she follows her to school and watch her bright smile glow in the sun once she step out the building. Yeah, she sits and stare at her at the coffee shop. Maybe if she wanna go for a walk, Rihanna might just be there hanging out at the park.

Clenching her eyelids tightly shut, she can't do this any longer. She has been selfish enough, she gets that but Beyonce knows that she is suffering without her too. She knows it. She can feel it.

"Rihanna?" Now it is Rihanna. The other day it was Robyn. "What are you doing here?" Her voice went from stern to a harsh whisper.

"You know why I'm here, Beyonce." I answered lowly, unclenching my eyes. I sniffle.

"You have to stop, Rihanna. My boss is getting concerned." She warned kindly, taking a step or two from the translucent door.

"I don't know why," my scratchy voice took place, a pinch of sympathy automatically conquer her face, "I'm just like every other regular customers. I order coffee, get a bagel."

Shaking her head, her eyes scan the world, feeling the people fly pass behind her. Looking back at me, my eyes fish into her eyes again.

The same crashing building, the same wildfire in the grass field, the tornado tearing us apart. Nothing that she is doing is permanently making her happy, it is only in the mean time.

"I know you miss me as much as I miss you, I can see it in your eyes, so don't even deny," I started stressfully, "Nothing you're doing are making you happy, so let me...le–let me the one to make you happy." My voice caught a lump and crack at the end.

"Rihanna," her voice raise sharp but it drop once she felt like she was too loud. "I told you, you lost those privileges to take me out."

"I know, and–"

"Rihanna, no! You broke my hea–"

"And I'm trying to fix it, damnit!" My balled up fist and punch the top of my car in anger and frustration. "I did my wrong, I did it! I fucking hate myself for what I did, I'm telling you baby, I do," my tone somehow soften. I didn't want her to see me under anger. "But how can I fix what I broken if you keep pushing my away?!" It rises again by it own accord.

She keep silent, her eyes never left sight of me. Water pooling into her eyes.

"Can we...we just pause on this trying to hate eachother thing? Please...I just want to hold you at least, I don't wanna cry anymore, I don't wanna hurt any more but," my words fell down my throat, I felt trap, "But I will suffer for what I did for you," my body fell droopingly down towards the ground, my knees make painful contact.