Imma just say, you can skip over this, I just wanna get my feelings out right now so I don't hit someone, or say something that I shouldn't and don't want to say.
If your depressed right now, you may want to skip this too.
I've been really pissed that I'm not a cis guy recently. It's not that I hate being trans, because I don't mind too much. It's just who I happened to be, and I'm just like everyone else.
It just pisses me off, because a lot of the time, I never feel like I'll get there, and I have to put in all this effort to be seen as who I am, but then it all backtracks when someone gets pissed with me.
Like the other day, I was arguing with my brother, and he used she, and when I corrected him, he said, "Technically you aren't even a real boy, you don't have a penis! I don't have to play along with this fictional game inside your head!"
Right now everything just seems so pointless and far away, I guess. Maybe it's because I see so much transphobia, and since I'm a sensitive little brat, I take it too heart, and let shit like that affect me.
It also pisses me off that I don't have a cis guy's body. Recently I've been really fucking pissed about this, because there is a lot of shit I'd like to do, but can't because I despise my god damn body so much.
I can't leave the house without my binder anymore, if I have to, I'll overbind, because I mentally can't do it.
I can't use the bathrooms or locker rooms without having panic attacks. So now I have to drink less, which makes me dehydrated, and if I drink too much, I get a god damn infection because I think I can hold it.
I can't go swimming either. Yeah, I technically use a binder if I went a size up, but it still is difficult seeing all these other guys with flat motherfucking chests, that they can show off to the world!
I can't take baths or showers, so my hair's always greesy *i know i didn't spell that right, leave me alone*, and I have to drown myself in deodorant or sprays.
Heck, somedays I can't wear a shirt, even WITH a binder on, because I'm so goddamn dysphoric. Then I get super fucking light headed, and almost fucking pass out.
Having that time of the month also fucking pisses me off. Especially hormones, because I become a big fucking wuss, and cry all the time. I mean, yes, guys do cry, and they can cry. Crying doesn't make someone less of a man, but for myself, it makes me feel vulnerable, and like a fucking sad excuse of a man. But maybe that's everything else too.
You know what pisses me off the most? The fact that I'll never have a cis fucking dick. Personally, that takes a lot of things away from me. Most relationships these days revolve around one thing, sex, *atleast where I'm from* which would make me an absolute shit partner because I'd never be able to do that, because I can't handle someone touching, or even looking at my body. Another thing is that it's what makes most people perceive you as male or not, if you have a dick. Most times, I don't give two flying pig shits about what other people think, but sometimes it still hurts.
I dunno, I'm just really irritated with this shit right now.
