danger | ethan dolan

forty five

ethan's pov;

Its Arianna's funeral today. I'm not sure how to handle today.

I looked in the mirror at my black suit. I had got my hair cut for the first time in a very long time. Arianna always said that I would look cute but she also loved my wings.

I definitely looked different.

I don't think I'll ever be able to get over this. Arianna's dead. I felt numb for the past two days. I haven't cried, I haven't left my room, I haven't been able to think straight. I'm not interested in anyone else but her.

I opened my window and sat on the roof outside, taking a blunt out of my pocket. There was no way I could do this without being high. It made my emotions numb.

I had prepared a speech for her funeral since she asked me too. She felt like Augustus Waters and my heart broke when she asked me to read it to her. There were definitely lots of tears from the two of us.

I unfolded the piece of paper, scanning the words, my eyes closing tightly. I was crying, again.

Finishing my smoke, I went inside my room again and my sprayed the deodorant that she liked so much. There was a knock on my door.

"Ethan?" Grayson says, opening the door. I look at him waiting for him to say something.

"C'mon, we need to go to the funeral. Mom and Dad are downstairs." he says. I put a mint in my mouth and combed my fingers through my hair before I headed downstairs.

The silence in the car on the way there was almost deafening.

We finally got there and I started helping out. Arianna's mother looked restless like she hadn't slept in forever. Jay looked heart broken and had the same look on his face that he had in the hospital.

"Ethan, how are you doing?" Aria's mom says, pulling me into a hug. I hug her back and smile weakly.

"As best as I can," I say. She nods and hugs me again.

"She always talked about you. I was always so worried that she would get her heart broken again but you didn't. Thank you so much for making her last days special." she smiles, wiping her nose with a tissue.

The funeral service finally began and Arianna's immediate family said a few words before it was my turn.

"Ethan, Arianna's boyfriend, would like to say a few words," her mother concludes, giving me a sympathetic smile. I could hear my heart thudding in my chest as I walked up to the stand.

I unfolded the piece of paper and held it in front of me but I couldn't read.

The words looked like gibberish. I shook my head and crumpled the paper up in my hand.

"Hey guys, I'm Ethan, I was, well I am Arianna's boyfriend." I took a deep breath. "Arianna. Well, she was the love of my life. I can't believe that I got so lucky and I got her. She was, no, she is the most cutest and funniest person I've ever met. Her personality is one of a kind and its the reason I fell in love with her. She asked me to write a eulogy before she passed and I couldn't find the right words because that's how difficult it is to express my feelings towards her. She was an angel and I miss her so damn much." my voice cracks and I feel tears stinging my eyes.

"She did not.." I say, taking a deep breath. My hands were trembling. "She did not deserve to leave so soon. I love her so much." I try to say more words but my voice breaks and I need to leave before I start crying. I went outside, taking a deep breath and wiping the tears away from my eyes.

"E," Gray says, putting his arm around me. I took a deep breath and went back inside, listening to Sophia and Selena's eulogies.

After a while, we all went back to Arianna's house where food was served. I helped Arianna's mother and brother by serving people food and setting it out for them.

"Ethan, you've done so much for us already, take a seat," Arianna's mom says. I sit down on the stairs, my head in my hands. I walked up the stairs into Aria's room.

It was the same as the day we left for the hospital. I started to sob violently as I saw some photos of us hanging on her wall. I sat down at her makeup desk and saw that her diary was open.

I sat down and looked at the handwriting on the page. I felt a pang in my chest as I saw a note addressing to me.

Dear Ethan,

I know one way or another, you're going to end up in my room. You're also a nosey fucker and you'll go through this diary.

I smile stupidly at her insult.

Well, I'm not good at expressing feelings and neither are you from my experience with you. I'm writing this note or letter or whatever the fuck this is for you because I have no idea when I could die.

I wanted to tell you that I love you if I didn't get to tell you before I die. Ethan Dolan, you are the best thing that has happened to me and I can't believe that I'm finally happy and I'm not lucky enough to spend it with you.

When I found out I had cancer, you have no idea how fucking scared I was. You have no idea how painful it was hiding the truth from you. It was eating me alive. You finally did find out and I couldn't stand the amount of hurt I caused. I'm sorry for everything I did to you and I hope you can forgive my dumbass.

To boost you're ego a little, I did in fact have a tiny crush on you back when you set the lab on fire. After that happened, I decided it wasn't wise to develop feelings but now I regret it so much. After this whole bet, I did in fact develop feelings for you and I knew that wasn't very fucking clever of me.

I'm so glad it did happen because in the end, we both fell in love with each other. I could not believe that it happened. We went through that soul-wrenching love and emerged victorious. But that took a turn when I found out that I was dying; that my days were numbered.

I'm babbling now I know, but the truth is, I can't believe how lucky I got. I always thought I never deserved love then I got to experience every part of it. With you.

I love you, in ways that you've never been loved, for reasons you've never been told, for longer than you think you deserved, and with more than you ever know existed in me.

Lots of love,
Arianna

PS: look inside my cupboard, i drew us. the message a little cringe but i know you're going to luvvv it hehe ;)

My face was soaking in tears as I read the last words. God, why did she have to go? I miss her so fucking much.

I gulp and follow her final instructions, opening her wardrobe.

Behind her hangers of clothes and my hoodies, there was a large canvas. I picked it up and took it out, leaning it against the wall. I sat down on the bed to take a look at it and she was right. It was definitely us. A broad smile emerged from my tears as I stared at the canvas.

That's my girl.

The words at the bottom were the most cringiest shit I've ever seen but she knew and did it anyway.

"Fuck everyone, in the end, its you & me,"

a/n: issa wrap guys! thanks for reading and i'm sorry for all the tears i've caused 🥵

check out my brand new book called Cupcake | Grayson Dolan. Yes, hopefully i'll be starting another ethan one for you ethan hoes

vote + comment :)

lots of love,
-N