A Painful Life

I

I gotta be real with myself 
I wasn't being real to myself.
I still have scars that run deep and I haven't spent any time healing myself..
No one around could, feel what I felt..
I felt stuck from putting fear in myself..
I'm still getting burned, now I'm steaming in hell..
God, acting like I'm not screaming for help...

I gotta get up..
I can feel it in my gut I wanna give up
I can't trust anyone because everyone switch up..
I can't love anyone because everyone slip up...
It's just me, don't got anyone I can hit up..
All I dreamt of was seeing a happy life fill up
Because of me every light in it gets lit up
Changing the world through every word I spit up

But until a, change happens in me I can never change it..
I turned fake, I got the balls to say it..
I was riding waves, seeking joy..
A million days, nobody know what my name is..
Now I hate the stress that it all came with..
My anxiety's high and it's mad dangerous!
I lost my girl, I could never save us..
Being honest with yourself is the hardest ain't it..?

It's okay to admit when you're wrong and you're fake..
It's okay to lose yourself when you make mistake..
It's okay to lose faith after a heart break..
I can't say I'm perfect if I did I'm lying to your face..
I'm a liar and I lie everyday, I act like I'm fine but I ain't...
Inside I'm dying and I pray, 'cause I'm only human..
What more could I say..

I gotta Accept the fact that there's no one to turn to!!
Accept the fact that the flame we have burned through..
I fucked up bad, knowing that I don't deserve you..
So many problems that we could've sat and worked through..
So blind to that I didn't see that from your view
And now I'm stuck with pictures that I sit and search through..

And I heard you, moved on, and damn it, it's my fault..
I'm sick of all the damage that I caused..
I'm so sick of freaking living inside of my thoughts..
 I'm blind to what I have and only see what I've lost
And I thought, if I blew up, I would be happy
Well I'm not!

 I'm lying to myself when I say I believe
The truth is I didn't even see it in me
I would only rhyme if I was feeling a beat
When I should just beat this villain in me
In rap's I'd be inner healer to me

I had nobody when I needed to speak...
..Hated my life that had no meaning to me..
..I'm still dealing with these demons in me
..Thought I was found but, but the real me had to leave...