cuts | 5sos

chapter three

A month.

It has taken me a month to process the events and I have only heard twice from, Ruby, my mother's counselor. She's doing good apparently. It's really hard but it's worth it.

It was weird, because she wasn't usually around but I missed her. I actually missed the woman that only a few weeks ago I wanted nothing to do with. It hurts that she's stuck in rehab and I'm still here, depressed with open wounds.

After my mother had left, I had run upstairs and followed the usual routine. I've been thinking about suicide more than ever, I know I shouldn't and it's bad, but I needed somebody and I truly had absolutely nobody.

I talked to my therapists like once or twice, I got a new counselor and I didn't want it. I didn't need it. I was in need of a true person that was real and that was in my life. And somebody that would actually stick around for the long term.

So I went and packed up my stuff and went to my only relative left, my aunt. My aunt Angela, usually Ang. We lost touch after my dad committed suicide and my mother got in to drugs and alcohol.

I booked a flight to Melbourne and a taxi to take me to the airport. Now I was walking through the TAX-free shops, coffee in one hand, music in and backpack on. I had only a few minutes left until I had to start walking towards my gate.

I was so thankful that my dad had so much money, he had a very good job in an IT-office. He made a lot of money so I could 'just' afford to Melbourne to visit my aunt. I got a magazine and then started making my way towards the gate, hoping that everything would go well and I wouldn't be stopped, I didn't feel like arguments, fights and irrelevant conversations.

Eventually I got in to the airplane and sat down in my seat, everything went flawless and there were nice people sitting next to me. Not any type of annoying kid or old snoring man. It was midnight so I actually booked a hotel for when I got to Melbourne.

--

After the plane had landed, it felt like absolutely forever until I could find my taxi. The taxi eventually brought me to my hotel and I thanked him, I got in to my room. I felt absolutely disgusting after the long flight so I decided to take a shower and so I did. I used the hotel samples, I was way too lazy to go through my suitcase and so I jumped in to the shower.

The depressed thoughts were getting in my head, and I wanted to find something sharp. But I couldn't. I was stronger this time, I said no. I said no to sharp things. There were enough red lines on my arms and legs already.

I let the warm water run down my neck, down my back. I let the water running down my spine.

Every drop that collided with my skin, felt like a tear, I was so extremely emotional but I haven't shed a tear in forever. The last three years have been an roller coaster and I couldn't cry anymore. I had no more tears left.

I just want to stop everything.

I want to stop self-harm.

I want to stop suicidal thoughts.

I want to stop the addiction.

But I can't,

Because it's an addiction.

After I got out of the shower, I looked at the cuts and see how red they were. Whenever I would shower, they would look crazily red and that was bad, it hurt. But I just couldn't stop looking at what I did to myself.

But seeing what I did to myself, made me want to do it even more.

I grabbed a t-shirt and some underwear and then fell asleep in the big bed that stood in the middle of the big hotel room.

--

I woke up the next morning with a good mood, I was going to my family, and that was something that I needed currently, family. A thing that would make me feel home, a way of comfort.

I slipped out of bed and then put on a pair of faux-leather skinny jeans and a white v-neck with my leather jacket. Afterwards, I did my makeup and hair and I was ready. I closed my suitcase and closed my hotel room.

I wanted some breakfast before I was going to see my family so I walked down to the buffet and got some breakfast while I called for a taxi. After I was finished I slowly got outside and found the taxi waiting for me, I smiled at the driver. He put my suitcase in the back and then I gave him the address.

The ride to my aunt's house was quite long so I got in to a nice conversation with the driver. He told me about his little family, and that they recently adopted a girl. He and his wife tried to get pregnant for ages but it didn't work out. So they ended up adopting a sweetheart from two years,

"We're here."

"Thank you. It was nice meeting you. See you!"

He nodded as I handed him more cash than he had asked as he drove off. I stood in front of my aunt's house with my suitcase, I was terrified for a second, until I had touched the doorbell. I luckily knew what my aunt and cousin looked like, I talked to my cousin, Ashley, once or twice.

"Hannah! Is this a family reunion?" My aunt opened the door and I furrowed my eyebrows, who was here? I just walked in and Aunt Ang lead me the way to the living room. Boys were loudly talking, I just guessed Ashley had friends over.

But then Angela pulled me into the living room. And I saw four boys sitting on a couch, one had red hair, another wore a red bandana, another had blonde hair up in a quiff and another black. They looked pretty with their black knee ripped skinny jeans and their band t-shirts.

But I wasn't excited for this, I made a mistake, I should've just stayed home.

"Michael, look who's here!"

Shit was about to go down.

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But that's enough for now, he should've never left you broken. - The Fray / Enough For Now