cuts | 5sos

chapter four

I took in the image of the tall boy sitting on the couch in between two of his friends. Michael's smile dropped almost immediately when he saw me. I would like to know what was going through his mind right now.

I had no idea what to do, so I just dropped my suitcase on the floor and escaped the situation by running through the backdoor out to the garden, I sat down at the small river and sighed. What was I going to do? I couldn't just stay here.

There passed a minute or so of me just staring at the little river, the small fish swimming through it. I sighed, why couldn't my life be as easy as the life of those fish.

"Hey." I looked up to see a tall and broad brown haired figure with a red bandana standing behind me. "Hi." I said softly and then he sat down next to me. It was completely silent for a few seconds, "I'm Ashton." He spoke up, I looked at him and smiled softly. "I know." 

"That's great, because I know you're Hannah." He said and I laughed. "Okay, what are you doing here?" I could hear him breathing and he then started talking. "Michael talks about you all the time. And he's right. You're indeed a gorgeous brunette with blue piercing eyes. And you've always been one inch shorter than Michael." 

I blushed slightly and Ashton continued. "You like singing but you underestimate how good you are at it." He started saying. "Michael always took you on piggy back rides through the garden." I grinned. "That's true, we tried it in reverse for once and I almost broke my back." I laughed.

It turned to silence after our laughter had died down and I started realising why I was actually outside and not inside in Michael's arms, telling him how much I had missed him. "I can't believe he actually denied my existence." I said softly while I let out a soft sob.

Ashton's arms wrapped around my body and I leaned against his chest softly. "I know, I was shocked too. I yelled at him for a solid hour after the live stream." He sighed. I let out a soft chuckle and then got out of his grip, I wiped away my tears and looked at him.

"I don't know what to do." I sighed. "Just talk?" He said, and I thought about it. I wasn't looking forward to having a long talk with my brother, he had basically turned in to a stranger. I had to talk to him eventually, I hated it. 

"Talk to him, let him in, see what happens and if something goes wrong and you need a shoulder to cry on, than my shoulders are available." He said and then winked. I smiled at him and softly nodded. "I'll go get him." I nodded again and thanked him for his kindness.

We both got up and walked back inside, Ashton got in first and sat back down on the couch, all their eyes shot up. "Can we talk?" I asked him and he nodded, I was planning on going back outside but he walked up the stairs, I decided to just follow him.

We walked in to the room and there were a few beds with some suitcases and a place to hang clothes. Probably some kind of guest room, I sighed and looked around the room, seeing one of the beds had a bandana laying on it and I sat down on it. The fact that it was Ashton's gave me some type of comfort.

Michael sat down on the bed next to Ashton's and we got quiet for a while, we both didn't know what to say to the other and so we didn't say anything. Until Michael cleared his throat and started talking.

"I'm sorry." He said and I looked at him. "Bullshit." I sighed and started talking. "Don't you know how fucking hard my life has been since you left! Mum was almost never home and when she was she either threw empty bottles at me or she'll just beat me up!" I started yelling. "I got so fucking depressed I had to get counselors and therapists, pills and nothing helped!" 

I wanted to take off my leather jacket right then and there, showing him what I have done to myself but it wouldn't help, it would only make everything worse than it already was. "I know! Okay!" He said and now it was his time to talk, or yell.

"I know that I fucked it up and I know it was a mistake and I know I denied you in front of the whole world but we can always just tell the truth and people will just have to deal with it! You can always come with us on tour!"

"You're the one who did the damage, you'll have to undo the damage." I said to him and he sighed, he was thinking about a way that he could fix it, but it was hopeless. "Could you at least forgive me?" He asked, looking up with glazed eyes.

I shook my head. "It's hard, Michael, I can't just forgive you like that. You walked out on me and left me alone for a whole year." He nodded, obviously he understood it, it wasn't like I could just say okay and we'd go back to how we used to be, but I did want to try. "But we'll get there." I whispered. 

He smiled and then got up, pulling me up too and he then hugged me and this is exactly what I needed. All I had needed for the last two years was a hug from my brother, I was in need of his hugs.

I was in need of him being there to protect me, to help me and to teach me. He was the one that broke the pieces of my heart and soul and he'll be the one to mend them together.

"I love you Han." I smiled at the nickname and realised that finally, some things started getting better now. I was maybe getting better.

And maybe, I would get over my addiction.