cuts | 5sos

chapter twelve

It was one of those nights, where I couldn't sleep, my mind was too caught up in everything. I was thinking about way too much, maybe I was even over-thinking my basically perfect situations right now. I just couldn't believe how something bad, turned in to something good.

Ever since my dad's suicide, I couldn't find the light at the end of the tunnel or the happiness deep inside me and how come that now, simply by laying in a very important boy's arms, I felt okay? My brother that moved to London, my mother that went to rehab and somehow, they both came back.

I had kind of a new family that cared about me, it felt like I didn't have just one brother, it felt like I had three brothers and a great new boyfriend. I smiled, I was so thankful that this had happened to me, after everything I went through and I'm still just in the middle of it.

I looked at Ashton, he was peacefully asleep, a soft smile on his face. And still, I couldn't sleep. I thought back to all the thing I had done today. There were so many things that I did today, so many things more than the usual I did.

After Ashton had breakfast, and he made me eat something too, we went back upstairs and we has a very small make-out session. I smiled at the thought, it wasn't anything too big, just some long and soft kisses.

Ashton knew I wasn't really comfortable with taking things too far, especially with the cuts written on my body, I wanted to take everything slow. And Ashton showed respect for it, he just accepted it. Afterwards, I took a shower.

It felt amazing to shower, something that easy just made me feel so much better, it was like I just needed the refreshment of it. So afterwards, I had borrowed a long sleeved t-shirt from Ashton and I had put on some yoga pants.

When I walked back in to the room I saw that the boys were chilling, Ashton had changed the bedding, giving everything a cleaner vibe. I just sat next to him and enjoyed the presence of these four boys. Ashton had asked me what I wanted to do, but I just wanted to stay at home.

I had tweeted a thank you tweet for the hashtag the fans had been trending, it got retweeted like crazy and I just realised what an impact I had on these almost a million people that were following me. And thinking that I was only the sister of a celebrity, dating another celebrity.

We just spend the day doing a few things, I drank some tea but I went to bed early because I had gotten tired again. And I had slept for an hour until Ashton had slipped in to bed next to me, we didn't talk, he just laid next to me.

Slowly, the other boys had also come in and got in to their bed and that made me wide awake. I hadn't been that awake in a long time. I just couldn't sleep, it was like all the tiredness from the last few days had washed away.

And I knew that it was just a state of my depression. In a few days, I was going to feel like total shit again and I would be very depressed again. That's how it has always been, and I wasn't trusting on any medicine anymore since they never worked for me. I'll take them to keep my brother satisfied, but the only thing those pills will do is fuck up my kidneys.

I nuzzled my head in to Ashton's chest, but he wasn't asleep because he looked up. "Hey, I thought you were sleeping." He whispered and kissed the tip of my nose. "I can't." I sighed and sat up, leaning with my back against the wall. "Well how are you feeling?" He asked me. 

"I'm in a happy state, and I just have more energy and I don't feel tired at all." I sighed. "Well we could use that feeling, actually." He smiled. "Want to get out of here?" He asked and I nodded, he got out of the bed slowly and helped me up. "Where are we going?" I asked him while he held my hands and let me off the stairs.

"The park nearby, have a little stroll, there is no paparazzi at night." He smiled and kissed my lips again. He started putting on his shoes so I did the same. "Uhm, okay then." I smiled and he opened the door slowly, trying to make as less sounds as possible. We got out and started walking.

He held my hand, it was a comfortable silence. I enjoyed this weather, because you could just go outside in the middle of the night and not freeze. When we were a block away from the park, he stopped and kissed me.

I smiled against his lips, Ashton ment so much to me, and even though we hadn't been a couple very long, it just felt good. We continued walking again and I held the necklace in my free hand, thinking of the day Ashton gave it to me. 

We walked over to the park and we just walked around for a little bit until we sat down at a bench. Ashton sat down and I sat on his lap, my head on his chest and his arms around me. We didn't say anything, we just sat in the comfortable silence.

I didn't know why, but I suddenly started thinking about my self-harm. I hadn't touched a razor in a week and it felt great. I just was scared, than I would fall back in to old habits, something that happens easily. "What are you thinking?" Ashton asked me and I looked up at him

"Nothing." I said and smiled at Ashton. He furrowed his eyebrows for a few seconds but then shrugged it off. He started kissing me again, only this time it was a bit more passionate. After a while, we stopped again. I saw white shine coming for the road, but it was probably just a car.

Ashton smiled as he looked up at me, this furrowed eyebrows wondering what I was thinking about. I just shrugged it off, not feeling like I needed to tell him about my thoughts.

We ended up staying at the park for a little bit more, and we actually had laid down on the bench, we probably looked crazy but I felt so comfortable. Ashton held me and I enjoyed the warmth his body gave me. Another car passed us and after a while I sat back up. "I'm tired." 

"I can hold you while we walk back home?" Ashton grinned and I smiled. I stood on the bench and Ashton turned his back to me. I jumped on to it and he was giving me a piggyback ride. I laughed and Ashton started walking again.

When we were a few houses away from where my aunt lived, he put me down and grabbed my hand again, he kissed me one last time. We then got back home and he opened the door quietly, we took of our shoes and jackets and walked up the stairs really softly.

We got back to the room and tried to be as quiet as possible, we heard Michael mumble something and we got in to the bed quickly and then I could finally fall asleep again.

Hi guyss

i usually update every day, but i'm back in school, i had autumn break.

i was planning on updating this two days ago but it didn't feel finished so i changed some things.

i also had some stuff going on in my real life, and so i kinda didn't feel like writing.

hope you enjoyed this chapter, kinda was a filler tho..

love all of you twenty-ish people who read my story

kay kay

bye

iris