cuts | 5sos

chapter thirty

It was around midnight when I woke up, the bed was empty and Ashton was nowhere around. The window was open so I wrapped the sheets tighter around me. After hearing the emotional announcement, we skipped dinner and did nothing but lay in bed and cuddle.

I had two days, two days to say goodbye to Ashton. He was probably the one I loved most in this world and I couldn't handle not seeing him for two months.

I got up, the sheets wrapped around me, and I looked out of the window. It was wide open and when I looked out of it, I could see there was a ladder attached to the wall next to it. The air was comfortable and making me feel calm. It was totally silenced until I heard a cough and I knew it was Ashton.

I put on my yoga pants and found my black vans on the ground in the room, I walked over to the window, looked at the ladder one more time and decided to go to Ashton. I put my hair in to a bun and then touched the cold ladder.

I climbed up the ladder and I managed to climb until I could see the roof. Ashton was sitting there, looking at the view which was amazing. He was holding his knees and closing his eyes every once in a while. He then saw me and furrowed his eyebrows. "What are you doing here?" He scoffed and I was slightly surprised by his outburst.

"Well.. uh, you were gone and I just.." I trailed off and his eyes softened immediately, making it okay for me to get up on to the roof and slowly walking over to him. "I'm sorry." He then said, patting his lap for me to sit down in.

"So why are you up here?" I said after a moment of silence, where we were just enjoying each others company. "Well, I was just thinking." I then noticed the light smell of tobacco escaping from his breath. It made me look at him, turning around and raising my eyebrows.

"Give me the package." I whispered, I didn't even look at him, I just knew it from the smell he gave away. Two seconds later, he threw the package and the lighter in front of me. "Do you ever plan on stopping?" I said, sitting down besides him and holding the package and lighter in my hands.

"I'm not, actually, it's my getaway." He whispered, this made me roll my eyes. There was a sudden kick of adrenaline and I got up, throwing his stuff back in to his own lap. "So I can't cut myself, but you can mess up your lungs? Life's so fair." I said sarcastically, he looked down, and I shook my head. I couldn't believe him.

"No, Hannah that's not what I mean!" I got up and walked back to the ladder, ready to get back to bed and dream away all of this, hoping Ashton won't smell like tobacco after tonight. "I think I know exactly what you mean! You harm yourself just like I do! But you are not planning on stopping any time soon." He got up and grabbed my arm, pulling me into him.

I fell in to him and I was back in his lap. I tried to get up but he tried to not let me go. I just sat still afterwards, knowing that it would be useless to fight. If he wanted me to be here, I would. No matter how much pain it would cause me.

"Ashton, just say it already." I groaned, then I noticed him shaking and laying his arms in my lap. the small lighting there was, was enough to show me the scars on his arms, that were covered with bracelets. He was taking them off one by one, and I was ready to cry now. I held a hand in front of my mouth and slowly there were tears.

"Ashton.." I grabbed his arms and looked at all the scars there were. "Smoking has become my rehab." I slowly nodded now understanding him. I never thought he would do something like this, I turned around and kissed him. I could feel his own tears falling and I didn't care.

"I love you." I smiled, and kissed him once more. I held his face in my hands and looked at him. It was so comfortable yet he was so fragile. "I love you too." He said it back, I smiled, kissing him more. I never thought that was why he wore bracelets, all the boys wore bracelets I thought it was just something the whole band did.