Tell Me. || Johnny Depp [complete]

"I just want you to go"

Monday, 30th November

I was a mess.

Two months ago you could've named me the happiest girl in the world and it would've truly been the best answer to describe myself. But October and November were the most horrible months of the year (except for the news that my sister got pregnant!). Well, December even worst but we'll get to that later. I was really really really tired of just everything and everyone. I need to say that you know when winter comes and it starts to get cold and the sun goes down at like 4 pm, I do sometimes turn into that sad looking girl everyone's afraid to talk to.

I don't know why but I get so tired and sleepy and lazy and it just gives me an uncomfortable feeling sometimes. But you know that's not the worst part. I mean it's not like I change personalities with the seasons.

I had a really big fight with Luke. So big that he moved to his friend for one or two weeks. You remember when I said that we promised each other to spend more time together? Well it didn't happen. It didn't happen and it made Luke go crazy like an idiot. This boy was so selfish and childish with some points that I didn't even have the chance to talk to him seriously like grownups. He'd just cut you off whenever you'd open your mouth. He behaved like a little child that just wouldn't accept someone's thoughts and point of view if it wasn't the same as his own.

We screamed and yelled at each other for over an hour until I just got out of the building to breath in some of the fresh, cold air that was capturing our town. I wanted to calm down a bit since this fight made me angry and upset like no fight that I'd have had before. I went for a walk for a few minutes and tried to understand his point of view. It was true that we got kind of separated in the last months, there was nothing that could've belied it.

But him saying that it was all my fault was completely rash and dumb to think. It's not like my job was the only thing that didn't let us spend some time together. I remember him coming to my office to take me out for dinner just as our relationship started. I remember him calling my endlessly with the reason that he couldn't stand out an hour without hearing my voice. And this was ages ago. I would say that he kind of was obsessed with me when we started to date. But what the hell changed? Not me, because I can surely say that even until now I'd stand for myself the entire time. It was him who changed.

When I got back in our apartment with a couple of ideas in my head how we could just forget about the fight and talk like adults, I saw him all dressed up to go out. "where are you going?...." I asked and he told me that he'd move to Mike. That he didn't want to be around me anymore and that he had to think, a lot. It hurt me so so much but still I let him go and closed the door as he went away. I leaned my back against the door and couldn't help but starting to cry. This was not how I imagined me and Luke to end up. I knew he didn't say that it was over but this was a real break up feeling.

Two weeks later he called me and we finally talked for a while. He told me that he didn't break up with me but wanted something like a break. I had to chuckle a bit since it reminded me of my favorite TV show, friends. One day later he moved back in our apartment. We were trying to keep things like comments and fights in ourselves so a fight like that would never happen again but you know, I'm a therapist, I knew this wasn't a good idea. People go crazy when they think too much about things they can't say out loud. But in that moment, all I wanted was to have Luke back.

Meanwhile, I had a problem with my bestie Louise as well. I said that I wanted to give her some time to open up about the thing she was thinking about all the time but she didn't tell me a thing. I asked her every day for a like a month to tell me so we could figure out how to help but she didn't want to. And it made this weird and awkward atmosphere coming over me everytime she stood next to me. Like she didn't have trust in me anymore and couldn't tell me things like she used to.

Johnny was fine by the way. Meetings with Johnny were like the only times that could kind of erase the thought in my mind that I made everything wrong. I could tell that he noticed how emotionless and tired I was, but he didn't ask or something, instead he'd do stupid things like smirking endlessly to make me laugh and smile. It worked though, but it didn't feel right. I just wasn't in the mood to laugh or smile.

All I wanted was someone to hug me, telling me that everything's gonna be okay, telling me I'm a good person who's only overreacting. But my family basically lives on the other side of the country (I missed my sis like hell) and I didn't feel like telling anyone about my problems.

"Okay, I think that's it for today! Come home safely" I said as I gave Johnny a quick smile before I focused on my computer again. He didn't move. "What's the matter with you? You look depressed for over a month now, are we changing roles here?" he asked with a light laugh but I just shook my head. "I'm not in the mood, Johnny" I said, "I don't want you to know those things.". "Ah yeah but I have to tell you everything? don't be stupid and talk, you can't postulate theories like talking is important to ignore those when it comes to you." he said and I freaking knew he was right. "What do you want me to do then?" he got up from his chair and bent over my desk. His hair fell into his face and his chains made those tinkling noices. "I just want you to go." I said as I looked up to him. He starred at me for a few seconds before he sighed in disbelief and got out of my office.

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She was a mess, i am a mess, this chapter is a mess, everything's messy

thank you so much for reading <3
I'm sorry for any kind of mistakes, english is not my first language :)

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