Lucky

39

"Alright Violet, can you do one more check that the nurses don't need anything?" Rachel said as I sterilized my equipment. "Yeah, then I'm good to go?" I asked as she nodded. "Yep. Great job today." She said then walked away.

It's been a week since I told Colby about the kiss between Jarrod and I. Things have been a little rocky but we were still making it work. Jarrod hasn't really talked to me since. He just looks at me like a lost puppy when we work together, but I felt too bad to even say anything. I didn't want to hurt him anymore.

I quickly did my rounds then grabbed my stuff and clocked out. I dialed Colby's number as I walked to my car. It was getting really cold in Colorado since it was now mid November, so I could feel my teeth chattering against eachother.

The phone rang about 7 times before it went to voicemail. My heart sank in my chest as it went to his voicemail. This was the third day in a row that this happened.

I knew he was busy so I tried to not be mad about it, but I was getting a little frustrated. I was catching A LOT of hate on all of my social media accounts which meant I couldn't even enjoy them anymore.

Daisy still wasn't in my life, but I've accepted it at this point. She was just out of my life.

I was really lonely.

"Hey Colby...it's been a while..I know you're busy but I miss you. Please call me back." I said as I got in my car and blasted the heat.

I drove home in silence since I wasn't in the mood to listen to anything. I've been more sad than usual, which I guess is understandable since I was abandoned by so many people in such a short amount of time.

I walked into the silent apartment, hating the way it felt. Regina wasn't moving in for another few weeks, so I've been living alone. I missed having someone around so I would spend a lot of time at the restaurant Daisy and I would go to all the time.

I walked to my bedroom then plopped onto the bed, letting my tight muscles loosen. I just stared at the ceiling for a while, feeling my eyes start to close a little bit.

Just as I was about to close them my phone started ringing, signaling that Colby was calling.

"Hey." I answered and covered my eyes with my hand. "Hey, sorry I've been so busy." He said as I smiled at the sound of his voice. "It's okay, I've been busy too." I said and sat up.

It was true, I missed just as many of his calls as he missed mine. We would try to talk every day but it didn't always work out that way.

"What were you doing today?" I asked with a yawn as I got up to get some water. "Sam and I filmed a video since I post tomorrow then I was on a lot of business calls." He said as I shuffled to the kitchen.

"That sounds like fun." I said then drank my water. "Not really, I actually hate doing business calls but you do what you gotta do." He said with a laugh. "I really miss you." I said quietly and went to go put one of his sweatshirts on.

It didn't smell like him anymore but knowing it was his gave me some comfort.

"I miss you too, when are you going to visit?" He asked as I scoffed, "When I have more than three dollars in my bank account." I said and leaned on the counter. "I'll pay for your ticket, Vi." He said as I shook my head.

"I couldn't let you do that." I said as he groaned. "Violet. It's not a big deal. I really just want to see you in person." He said as I sighed. "It is a big deal, Colby. I can't just have you dropping thousands of dollars on me when I can't pay you back. I wasn't raised that way." I said as he sighed.

"Don't you want to see me though?" He asked as I rolled my eyes. "More than anything, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna give my morals up. Why can't you just visit me?" I asked as he huffed out a breath.

"Because I can't just get up and leave LA whenever I feel like it." He said as I scoffed, "And I can leave whenever?! As if I don't have people counting on me too?" I asked as he huffed out a breath.

"It's different and you know it." He said as I shook my head. "No. I don't know it. Is it because you're some big YouTuber and I'm just some normal girl?" I asked as tears brimmed my eyes.

"Violet, stop getting so defensive." He said as I clenched my jaw. "I'm not being defensive Colby. I can't get up and leave! I have to pay twice as much in rent because my best friend LEFT me. She got up and left because I fell for you!" I screamed, feeling anger boil up.

"So that's my fault?!" Colby yelled as I groaned in aggravation, "My life was fine before I met you!!" I screamed without thinking.

"I didn't mean that. I didn't...I didn't mean it." I said quietly as every ounce of anger left my system, regret replacing it. "I don't think this is working." Colby said which made my heart shatter in my chest.

"You're leaving me too.." I whispered as tears poured down my cheeks. "I guess so. Goodbye Violet." He said then hung up as I screamed out a painful sob.

I knew I was in the wrong. I knew I shouldn't have snapped at him.

I knew that I fucked up.

But I couldn't take it back.

I laid on the ground and cried for a really long time. The pain in my chest was so painful I thought I was literally having a heart attack.

I felt like a zombie as I got up and looked for my weed. I needed to numb this pain. I needed to forget everything again. I grabbed my lighter and the biggest blunt I had then stripped my sweatshirt off and threw it across the room.

I walked out to the porch and sat down as the snow fell from the sky. I knew in my mind that it was cold, but I couldn't feel anything.

I was numb.

I didn't blame Colby for doing what he did though. What I said was horrible. I deserved everything I got.

I lit the blunt then inhaled deeply, begging my body to take as much of the drug as possible. I wanted to float into a different universe.

I wanted to fall asleep.

I wanted to be numb.

I couldn't stop crying even if I tried. I started to think about how everyone left me, whether they wanted to or not.

Maybe I was meant to be killed when I went to the asylum. Maybe that was my parents trying to tell me that this life wasn't for me.

I shook my head then looked out towards the mountains.

Maybe I could disappear for a while. I don't think anyone would even notice I was gone.

I felt my phone buzz and looked down to see Colby calling me again. I didn't want to fight anymore though. I didn't want to argue with him.

I still loved him.

I let the phone ring until it sent him to voicemail. I couldn't talk to him, I would only hurt him more.

I finished off my blunt then went inside so I could sleep off this horrible pain that was filling my chest. When I walked to the bathroom I cringed at myself in the mirror. I couldn't tell if my eyes were bloodshot from the weed or from my tears, but they were dark red.

I looked as bad as I felt.

I ended up staying up all night, crying as I held myself. I wanted to call Colby and tell him I was sorry and that I didn't mean it even though it was technically true. I wasn't happy before I met Colby but I wasn't crying all night alone in my apartment either.

I just really fucked up.