I WANT YOU SO BAD (BoyxBoy) | ✔

16. Nothing can put me back.

JORDAN’S POV

       I knew I royally fucked up when I didn’t see Nick a whole week.  Freaking seven days.  And I have to give it to him.  He avoided me pretty good and whenever I heard his voice in the apartment, I relished in it because he would walk in to his room and close his door when I thought about chancing a peek at him.

        I wanted to beat myself for being so hard on him and myself but what can I do when he seemed to go out of his way to avoid my path.

      At office he never takes his eyes off the system in front of him and even if he did it was to talk with the two chicks who flock him every few hours.  It grated on my nerves and it made me scream internally whenever I head a burst of laughter from his side when he talks with them.

        I know I have no rights to claim him as mine when I can’t seem to accept, I like him even to myself.  And if he wanted to date one of the chicks he talks to, I should leave him to be.  I had been catching the cab for the past few days and whenever he comes home, he comes in late.  I wanted his car ride back, not because of the money I am wasting because I missed his silent company and I ached for it. 

        Then only I realized how much I loved his gaze and smile on me all the time and because I don’t have it now, it left me empty. 

        In the apartment he never comes out of his room apart from making his meal in the kitchen.  And then too he immediately retreats to his room.  And I was not the only one who noticed it.  It was a Sunday evening, me and Amelia were sitting beside each other on the couch and was binge watching Riverdale when Nick came outside of his room and took a water bottle from the fridge and marched back to his room and closed the door without so much as a glance at us.  Amelia noticed that too and arched a brow at the closed door.

       “What the hell crawled up his ass?”  She asked, irritated.

        Guilt swirled in my belly.  It was because of me he was not able to spend any time with his brother or Amelia and I wanted to bang on his door until he comes out with at least a pinch of reaction.

       Because this whole week I was seeing a different Nick I don’t ever want to meet.  He was cold and detached and there was no emotion playing at his face.  It was a little daunting to see him like that and it scared me to no end.  I did that to him.

      Shame and guilt slammed into to me until I felt nauseous.  I wanted to run into the bathroom and lock myself in there.  It felt like my whole body gained hundreds of pounds and I just want to lie down and never wake up.

        These depressing thoughts I have, I know is not normal.  It pretty much started on the sophomore year in my school when I seemed to be not able to wake up for some days.  It was draining me and I could connect the dots and see that it all started a few weeks after the impromptu assault on me.  I felt like giving up.  Not just because nothing was going in my life according to plan but because I felt done. 

       I talked to some people online and even listened to podcasts about anxiety attack.  It didn’t stop me from having these thoughts, though. 

       And whenever I do feel like that I just go lie down on the bed, even though it takes me hours to fall asleep.  I miss the person I was.  I was just a shell of a person I used to be.

      I used to smile at every person I cross, I generally was a happy person and a one stupid reason, one stupid night made me lose everything I seemed to love.  I could have just left the incident go but I had to make him mad.  Brayden.  The one who still occupies my mind even after five years.  I was doomed in this little box I called my life and I literally didn’t have any clue how to escape my past.