Heaven Knows

Thirteen

I'm in a bad mood today. Thank God I don't work today, but Gail has left. Now I don't have a buffer.

I munch on my salad but push it aside midway through. I pinch the bridge of my nose for the hundredth time. I couldn't stop thinking of Tyler and his words last night. I'm partially disgusted and amused by the conversation we had yesterday.

He seems different but he claims that it's God's work. How ironic. Where was God when Tyler was a monster?

Tears suddenly start to fall out of my eyes and I long for someone. I wish Gail were here but I can't ruin her vacation.

Anger rises at what I've done. I knew I shouldn't have let down my guard. I knew I would be more broken. I should've stayed in that office until he signed the divorce papers!

A sob slowly starts to come out now at these thoughts and I quietly fade away. I don't understand why I'm so angry. Why do I feel so lonely? What's worse is that my mind does not haunt me with dark memories of Tyler this time.

It brings memories of myself. Of my youth. Of those dark nights that became nightmares. I was used to nights like those when Tyler became unrecognizable. That's probably why I lasted so long to his bull eyes.

I hug myself like I used to. I feel like I've done this all my life until I met Tyler. But he convinced me that in the end, I'll end up hugging myself.

I wipe away tears but more keep coming out. My sobs become stronger and I reach for my phone when I can't take it anymore.

Gail responds at the second ring. "Hello, darling! I was just getting the kids ready to—"

"Gail, I need your help," I say in between sobs.

"Honey. Honey, what's going on? Are you hurt?! Did someone hurt you?!" I can't find words as my lungs ache from the sobs. "Okay. Okay. Sweetheart? You need to breathe. Listen." I hear her do a breathing sound and I copy it. "There you go, honey. Just like that."

I find my breath again but my heart still shatters. I'm left weak from its heaviness and I tiredly say, "I'm sorry, Gail. I didn't mean to—"

Another sob threatens to come out but I cover my mouth. Gail sweetly says, "No, honey. You are fine. You know you can always count on me. No matter how far I am!"

I sniffle and softly say, "Thank you.."

"Okay. Now tell me. What's got you so sad, hm? Who took that pretty smile off your face?"

I sniffle and look for a way to explain to her what happened last night. Now that I think of it, it's such a stupid reason to cry about. But I still tell Gail and she quietly listens to every part of it.

"I don't know why I'm crying," I say at the end. "I just...got bombarded with all these memories that it felt like I was back there."

"It's understandable, honey. It's okay to cry. Even if it is over spilled milk. Sometimes our bodies need a small moment like this to keep going."

"You're right," I say with a deep breath. "I'm going to continue with the divorce."

Gail stays quiet for a moment until she carefully says, "Do you think it's a good idea? You are going to marry Tyler, not God."

"Still. I don't want to risk anything anymore. I've done that all my life and look where it's got me. I finally got my life together and I don't want to throw it away for something that won't even work."

"Well, isn't that what he's doing?"

"No. He came to me when God supposedly told him that he needed to be back with me. How doesn't God know that Tyler is a monster?! Does He really hate me that much? No. I'm not falling for that trap again! I wish I would've never seen him on that night!"

"Okay, Tessa. You're all over the place right now. Go out for a run. Or take a walk. Do whatever cools you down. Call me when your head is clear."

And I'm back to the past. It's like I'm listening to my mother tell me to leave her alone. She would tell me to go out for a run whenever I wanted her attention. All I wanted was a hug but she'd always push me away. Everyone has always put me to one side...

So I give Gail a small goodbye and stay on the couch. My head hurts like a hammer is hitting against it so loudly that I don't hear the soft knock on my door. I get up with a groan and open it to see Tyler.

"Tyler?!" I quickly wipe my tears away and say, "What are you doing here?"

"Tess?" His eyes grow worried as he sees my puffy eyes and tear stains. "Is everything alright?" He puts the grocery bag on the ground and puts worried hands on my arms.

"I'm fine," I say as I gently step back and out of his hold. "I was just having a moment..."

His eyes turn sad as he says, "Do you want me to—"

"Leave. I want you to leave."

"But—"

"Please. Tyler." My eyes start to water again at his freighting softness. "Please..."

He understands now and does a small nod. His eyes fall but he takes out ice cream and says, "I thought that maybe we could talk but..." He puts the box in my hands and quietly waits for me to close the door with one last sad smile.

But I know he's still there. I know he's waiting a bit longer for me. From the beginning, he's always waited. It's what I loved about him the most.

A sob comes back as I take a bite of ice cream. It's so droopy and I cry even more when I see the mess it's making. Then I hear a small knock among my cry and I weakly make my way to open the door. And before I know it, Tyler holds me tight.

I let my heart break again...and again...and again. But this time, Tyler does not push the pieces to the side like he used to all those nights I cried to him.

He picks them up and sweetly tries to put them back in their place.

I stay in his arms for a long time. My legs hurt but the only thing I feel is his warm hand rubbing my back. He then gently pulls away and keeps his strong arm around my shoulders as he guides me to the nearest couch. My head throbs and I can barely hear him ask me if I want water.

I don't respond back as I let my head fall on his firm chest, and listen to his heart. He starts to hum a melody as his fingers tenderly run through my hair and that's enough to silence my screaming mind.

I sweetly fall asleep in his arms.