Heaven Knows

Forty

Tonight, it's the baby shower event but right now I have to check up on my own baby.

Four months. What a leap! It's like just yesterday I found out I was nine weeks pregnant.

My stomach does a quiet rumble as I eat a small mandarin. I wear a dress that's comfortable enough for me. I find myself wearing dresses more often since I haven't had the time to buy maternity clothes.

Tyler has been at his worst week yet. He insisted to come today, but I convinced him that I was okay on my own.

They call my name and Dr. Aaron is already inside. Her belly is much bigger now and she gives me her warm smile. The same one I saw at church that weekend I went with Tyler again. My poor cowboy couldn't stand for anything. All he did was close his eyes and quietly pray from his seat. The sight got me angrier with God.

Don't you see him? Can't you do anything?

How does God look away when Tyler is so loyal to him?

But my anger slowly subsided as people greeted us. They approached Tyler with warm hugs and he let them comfort him. The pastor came over to pray for him and I quietly observed on the side. He then tried to pray for me and when he started to touch my small bump, I instinctively stepped back.

The pastor laughed and Tyler only did a small smile. "I'm sorry," he said. "May I pray for you?"

I did a small nod and let his hand land on my shoulder. Almost immediately, I felt this warmth I still can't comprehend. But I do miss it...

"You look fancy today," Dr. Aaron says as she observes my baby from her screen. "You haven't gone maternity shopping or are you going to a party afterward?"

"Yes on both," I say. "I organized a baby shower today. I have to go prep it up after this."

"Oh. So you're an event planner?"

"I am."

"How nice. Maybe you can plan my baby shower soon."

"I'd love to!"

Dr. Aaron quietly goes back to the ultrasound and turns on the volume to hear the heartbeat. Once again, it's like music to my ears. The only music I've heard in a while since Tyler's chemo session.

"How's Tyler doing?" Dr. Aaron now says.

"He's okay. He has his good and bad days."

"I'm sorry you have to go through it all while being pregnant."

I do a sad shrug. "I guess so, but I have a great support team."

"That's great. It's always good to have friends. But you have a little someone around all the time for five more months."

We share a laugh at this and I take a look at my little person. It does sudden movements on screen and I let a gasp escape my lips. "It's moving! Why don't I feel it?"

"It's been moving for a few weeks now. You won't feel it just yet. Trust me. They will be strong and clear."

I tenderly look back at the screen and I wish Tyler was here. He would be smiling just as big. But the appointment ends too soon and I nod along to all the instructions she gives me. Once I'm back in the car, I put on my agenda to make an appointment for WIC and make groceries.

I finally arrive at the place I've chosen for the baby shower and I see Anna already starting the decorations with a big smile.

"Hey!" I say to her. "Thanks for starting. The appointment went longer than I expected."

"How's your little munchkin?"

"Big and moving so much!" I say with excitement. "The whole time I saw its little legs moving and twitching."