Heaven Knows

Fifty One

I have nowhere to hide and I can't run. I won't. Not anymore I guess.

So I slowly sit in front of her and quietly study the same face I left almost nine years ago. Her eyes are still sad. Her face is older but still has the tenderness I loved to see before I went to bed.

Before our worlds fell apart.

Tears slowly start to creep out of her eyes as she sees my bump. "You look...beautiful, Tessa."

She still has her soothing voice.

I swallow down my tears and nod. "Thank you. I want to eat. Can I before we—"

"Of course! Go ahead!" She does that smile I would see in my dreams and I quickly look down. As I dig into my pancakes, my mind starts creating so many questions.

But the first one I start with once I take a long drink of my almond milk is, "How did you find me?"

"Your brother. He sent me the address of this place. I've been calling you but no one answers."

I clear my throat and guilt comes at me as I softly say, "I blocked your number..."

Her brows furrow. "But why? All I wanted to do is hear your voice!"

"Why now? Because let me tell you, I am very tight on money."

"Please," she says as she raises a gentle hand. "Just...listen. Don't run away from me this time."

I sit back and fight the urge to get up. She does a sad sigh and says, "I realized I lost you. You and your brother. It was all my fault—"

I scoff. "Now you realize that?"

"No. I've been looking for you for over a year! It's like you disappeared! Just like your father! I looked for everyone and...and when hope seemed nowhere to be found...your brother found me."

"Of course, he did," I say with a clenched jaw. "He was always the golden boy."

"But you were always my princess."

I look back at her sad eyes and she has that tender smile I missed for so long. I quickly look away and cross my arms on my chest. "Well, her crown has fallen..."

"No. You took it off yourself. I came to give it back to you."

I scoff. "Enough with the child talks."

My mother does a small laugh that makes my heart flutter. "Well, you should get used to it now. It seems like you will have to do a lot of those talks."

Her eyes land on my large bump and for once, we share a small smile. I run a hand on it and say, "She is my last hope."

When her brows furrow, I realize I've said too much and start to run away again.

"Well," I say as I clear my throat. "I have to get going. You saw me. You may go."

"No, Tessa. Don't—"

But I'm already out the door and I hear her running steps after me. "Tessa!"

Angry tears start spilling out and I abruptly turn to look at her. "Why are you here?! Why do you make it harder for me?! I have enough! I don't need you! I've been fine without you!"

And just like, it's this...feeling in my heart that makes me stop talking. This feeling makes me realize my words and remember that these were thoughts I had with Tyler.

Once again, I'm back at stage one of forgiveness.

But why? When I asked you for help, I meant...you.

I wipe my tears away to see that peace on her face. The same one that's on Tyler's face and it breaks my heart. My stubborn heart stands firm as she tries to get close to me.

I'm sorry, God, but I ran away for a reason. I thought you knew. I thought you understood!

So I take a step back and straighten my shoulders. "Don't come back."

"But, Tessa, if you could just listen for a moment--"

I raise my hand to stop her. "I don't need any explanation. If my brother decided to forget, then I'm happy for him. But I know I would never forget my daughter. I...won't let grief take my eyes away from what's important. So you have no explanations. No excuses because I now know clearly what it's like to grieve and suffer."

I don't wait to hear her excuses again as I stomp my way back to my car. Anger makes my veins boil but as I drive away, there's that little feeling touching my stubborn heart. It brings guilt.

And I let it make me cry for a moment. But not for long. There's no need to go back. I keep my eyes on what's important.

I will not be like her.