Heaven Knows

Fifty

I've decided to have the church turn into my fortress. My new escape.

My world changed after I cried with them. The pastor and his wife were so kind. They listened and they hugged me. I've never felt so complete before. It was like God's warmth was transferred through them.

After I finally was able to breathe, they invited me to eat a small dinner with the rest of the church. I was extremely tired as I was hungry, so I gently agreed.

Once I got home, I felt as if I've been hit by a truck. My whole body ached and I literally just knocked out the moment my head hit the pillow.

I can tell it was finally a very peaceful sleep as I woke up with a refreshed strength. Though, I decided to stay in bed for a bit longer. I seem to be falling back to sleep and waking back up at the strong movements of my little bird. She jabs my rib and I groan.

"I'm sorry," I say as I turn to my left side. "Better?" I keep my eyes closed as my hand tiredly rubs my large belly. I only have two months left. Everything was so noisy that I hadn't realized how close I am to meeting her.

I have to get used to the idea of just the two of us just in case...

So I quietly feel her powerful kicks. I smile at one that kicks aiming for my hand. I bet my belly is moving so much with all her morning dances. I can literally feel her if I touch over my sheets sometimes.

I've read that some women tend to find these movements painful. They only hurt if she hits my ribs. Oh, man. Those are one big wince. But the other long slugs and thuds she does in there seem so small. I guess my heart has dealt with enough pain to not find her karate kicks painful.

My stomach slowly starts to growl and I understand why she giving me her wake up calls. I stretch under the sheets and softly say, "Your dad isn't here to give us breakfast in bed. What am I going to do now?"

She does a crazy flip that makes me chuckle. "You're making my belly jiggle! Did you dance last night? Because I was completely knocked out. I'm sorry I missed out last night."

I can feel her stretch and then fall silent at my words. I let a small sigh escape my lips as I hold my belly. "I'm...sorry. I've been so off lately and I...I promise I'll be okay. It's been such a..."

My eyes start to water as she gives me soft kicks under my hand. She's so smart. It's like she understands what my heart is going through and it brings tears to my eyes.

"I can't wait to see you. I just hope your daddy gets to hold you before—"

I take a deep breath before a sob comes out and I nod at her jab. "You're right. Let's get something to eat then we'll go visit Dad."

With that, she happily makes my tummy dance as I make myself breakfast. She's too happy that when I sit down, she jabs my ribs and it makes me wince.

"Alright! I have to eat, kiddo! Let's give the dancing a little break, okay?"

She surprisingly obeys and does soft movements. She tends to kick even harder when I ask her to calm down. She reminds me of Tyler.

But by the time I get to the hospital, she seems to be sleeping. So I give my belly a small rub before focusing on getting ready to see Tyler. It's always something new with him.

He's sleeping today. His eyes are closed but his brows furrowed. Dr. Sharpe should be back next week. Now, Tyler has to cope with his chest pain.

My heart starts to shiver again as I hold his cold hand. He slowly opens his eyes and tears start coming out. He wheezes and I gently put a kiss on his sweaty forehead.

"Hey, cowboy," I whisper. "I love you."

He takes a weak breath and says, "My chest hurts."

"I know—"

"Help me..."

I look up at the whiteboard by his bed and see that they've just given him medicine. "Honey. You need to let the medicine take effect."

"I can't," he says with quivering lips. "I can't." He starts to sob and my heart breaks. Tears of my own fall out and I realize that I'm of no help here.

So I walk out and take deep breaths. I try to hold on but my mind gently runs to God. It does a small prayer. Not for Tyler. For me.

I need your help. Please...

Then an idea pops up in my head and I smile knowing that God has once again heard me.

I step out of the hospital for fresh air as I dial Mr. Blue. He answers and I immediately hear the sound of horses in the background. I smile at the memory of life before Tyler's sickness.

Deep down, there's a new hope from yesterday. We will have those days again and even better. We will have a little cowgirl with us, too...

"Tessa. How are you, dear?"

"I'm doing well, Mr. Blue. How are you?"

"Doing well. Is everything alright?"

"Yes. Well, actually—"

"Did the money help out a bit? Did you get last week's check?"

"Yes, Mr. Blue. Thank you so much for all your help. It's helped us a lot."

"No problem, hun. It's the least I can do since the idiot of my son doesn't want to get a better job for the two of you."

My heart shrinks at these words. He will finally know the truth whether Tyler wants it or not. So I let out a small sigh and say, "Mr. Blue. There's something you should know."

I can't imagine his face when I told him everything. But he quietly said that he would be here as soon as possible. I have no idea how he got here so quickly but by dinner time, I saw him enter his room with watery eyes.

I watched Tyler's eyes grow surprised by his weakness, but they let out tears as his father holds his hand. I wipe my own happy tears at this sight and smile.

"We did enough today, pretty lady," I softly say with a hand on my belly. "We'll let Grandpa talk with Daddy and grab some delicious banana pancakes. What do you say?" I giggle at the happy dances she does to my belly and make my way to my car.

It's weird. I haven't felt this...good at the end of the day in a while. God was right when I read through Tyler's highlights. He will be there to refresh my weak bones. Proverbs is such a complex book to read so I've decided to wait on Tyler to explain.

Now my mind is focused on looking for banana pancakes. I've been craving it all day. It's actually a plate my mom used to make for me before Dad left...

But eventually, I find some in the cafe at my job. As I take my delicious plate to a table, I hear a familiar voice call out to me.

My steps stop, and I slowly turn around to see her soft smile and sad blue eyes.

Mom.